Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 21, 2007
Note: Our food service vendor has informed us that the yogurt served in the C&J cafeteria on Wednesday contained live active cultures that, instead of aiding digestive health, actually cause painful facial disfigurement. We regret the inconvenience.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2008 general election: 410
Days `til National Mud Pack Day: 9
Percentage of Americans without health insurance: 15.3%
Increase in the number of uninsured Americans from last year: +2.2 million
(Source: TIME)
Number of Americans' personal records that were stolen or inadvertently posted online since January, 2005: 160 million
(Source: Parade magazine)
Ad revenue generated from the Rugby World Cup in Paris: $200 Million
Number of participating rugby players I would kick out of bed: 0
And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded gut-feeling terror alert system has been in place: 2,019
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Jabba the...Spaniel?
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CHEERS to Republican Cat fiiiiight! Maine senator Olympia Snowe was planning to vote against cloture on a bill restoring habeas corpus rights for terrorist suspects Wednesday. But when she realized there were already enough votes to keep the American legal system in the dark ages, she switched her vote. In the process, she committed the unpardonable sin of not telling her Maine colleague, Spinster Princess Susan Collins about the switcheroo:
That is why Collins was steaming mad yesterday when Snowe, without warning, switched her vote to side with Democrats to restore habeas corpus rights for terrorism suspects. Collins...was visibly angry, according to eyewitnesses in the chamber's press gallery. She paced around the floor, confronting several members of the leadership.
Her exact words: "Give me back my friendship ring! And don't even think about coming to my slumber party, Senator Olickmyown Snot!" Touchy.
CHEERS to cleaning the slate. Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonements) started at sundown. A quick reminder: anyone caught blowing off the Lottery of the Goats will be tasered. Hey, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce 'em.
JEERS to snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I've had some time to think about the Democrats' performance in the Senate this week. Here's my take on it: Even though they failed to deliver on any of their promises to push back against President Bush's Charge of the Light Brigade in Iraq; even though could've easily batted away a Republican resolution condemning a newspaper ad but didn't and in fact helped it pass; even though the MoveOn resolution will give Republicans fodder for re-election ads; even though they could've stood up to the GOP's threatened filibusters but didn't; even though they keep drawing lines in the sand only to have their "friends and colleagues" on the other side of the aisle kick that sand in their face, I've had a total change of heart. Mainly because my old one exploded yesterday and doctors gave me three minutes to live if I didn’t get a new one. By the way, help yourself to the Prozac cupcakes...they're delicious.
JEERS to getting your panties in a twist. Somebody (probably Osama, since he's still at large) has been smuggling unauthorized underwear to the prisoners at Gitmo. Fortunately, a Bush is on the case:
Both prisoners were caught wearing Under Armour briefs and one also had on a Speedo bathing suit. ... Army Lt. Col. Ed Bush, a spokesman at the jail holding some 340 men on suspicion of terrorism or links to al-Qaida and the Taliban, said more was involved than just an uproar over skivvies. "There is no room for error when working in a dangerous environment, and constant vigilance is of the utmost importance," Bush said.
Yes, because they could use them to jimmy the lock, strangle the guards, hop the barb-wire fence, fashion a boat out of Dacron while using the elastic waistband like a rubber band to power a propeller made of driftwood, float over to Africa, hitchhike to Iraq, and fight us over there so they don’t have to fight us over here. Whew...that was a close one.
CHEERS to Carl the Greenskeeper. And Dr. Peter Venkman. And John Winger. And Tripper Harrison. And all the other characters brought to life by Bill Murray, who turns 57 today. We wish him a day full of dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria!
JEERS to the law of unintended consequences. The U.S. Treasury has gone too far! The day after they redesign the five-dollar bill, the dollar plunges against the Loonie and the Euro. Just think: with higher prices overseas, Americans won’t be able to travel en masse to other lands and learn about their cultures and languages and hopes and dreams so we can all work together to create a better world by realizing that we're not the only ones on the planet and in some instances we're not even superior. To put it another way: it won't affect us a bit.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Tony Sachs at The Huffington Post asks: Yankees vs. Red Sox: Who Needs the World Series?
Boston!
Now back to Cheers and Jeers...
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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JEERS to the fall of the mighty. Eighteen years ago today, the Senate Armed Forces Committee unanimously confirmed General Colin Powell as the first African-American chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He kicked the Iraqi army's ass during the first war, got hung out to dry by neocons in his own party during the second ("Gee, fellas, this Kool-Aid doesn't taste quite right. Oh well, I'll drink it anyway..."), quit in disgust, and today is retroactively saying what needed to be said four and a half years ago. It's a tarnished record that could've been spotless. Pottery Barn gift card denied.
CHEERS to The War. No, not that war...the one that was actually worth fighting. Ken Burns spent six years interviewing people in four U.S. cities about their experiences on the battlefield and the home front during World War II, and his seven-part series starts Sunday on PBS. Last night Burns told Countdown host Keith Olbermann that he made the film for two reasons: 1) A thousand war vets are dying every day and their stories are dying with them, and 2) He wanted to educate the significant number of American students who think the war was fought by the U.S. and Germany against the Russians. Are there any of those Prozac cupcakes left?
CHEERS to Hannaford Bros. The Maine-based grocery store chain is building the World's Greenest Supermarket:
The proposed Hannaford market would be the U.S. Green Building Council's first platinum-certified "green" grocery store in the world, said the chain's President and CEO Ronald Hodge. ...
By pursuing the platinum designation, the company commits to a design including features such as solar photovoltaic panels, geothermal heating and cooling, high efficiency refrigeration, energy efficient lighting and an advanced recycling program, not to mention the vegetation-topped roof. It's estimated that the store will be 40 percent more energy efficient than the industry standard.
As Maine goes so goes the nation? Let's hope so.
JEERS to George W. Bush: Bad Santa. Hey, Iraq! Here's an early Christmas present for y'all, courtesy of the YOO-nited States: A cholera outbreak!!! No crowding please...there's plenty for everyone.
JEERS to the rhetoric of the right. Gee, I can't believe a Senate resolution hasn’t been proposed condemning Michelle Malkin for accusing Oscar-winning actress Sally Field of being "...the mom who buys her teenager beer, condoms, and a hotel room on prom night." I'd rather have a mom like that than one who tells her teenager that throwing her parents and grandparents into an internment camp is neato! But I'm just a spoiled brat, I guess.
CHEERS to Autumn. We're looking forward to the change of seasons Sunday. The crisp air. The feel of flannel. The brilliant colors. And New England takes on a certain old-fashioned---Hey! You kids turn down yer fucking gangsta shit, I'm trying to watch a porno here!!---a certain Norman Rockwellesque charm this time of year. Summer may get all the publicity...but fall is the real deal. Tonight: Chowder.
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One Year Ago in C&J: September 21, 2006...
JEERS to pungent proclamations. Yesterday at the U.N., Venezuela's Hugo Chavez took aim at President Bush: "The devil came here yesterday. I can smell the Sulphur still." Not that we're thrilled by the notion of defending the Decider-in-Chief, Hugo, but we have a saying in this country: He who smelt it dealt it. Nice try, Propanepants.
CHEERS to fighting corruption under the dome. A sign of the times: the FBI (via Daily Muck) says it's added three new squads to investigate all the corruption oozing from Capital Hill. That should be shocking, but my first thought was: Only three?
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And just one more...
CHEERS to `The Way Life Should Be.' On September 21, 1993, Michael and I arrived in Portland, Maine, having escaped the rust-belt hamlet of Saginaw, Michigan (motto: "Wipe That Smile Off Your Face"). We had no jobs, not much money, and an apartment with barely any heat. Fourteen years later, we're still here, and Portland is Home in the best sense of the word (minus a few choice words from Michael about our 7-month-long winters). Tonight we'll observe our annual tradition of releasing a Maine lobster into the wild. I hope this one fares better than the last 13 and makes it across the turnpike...
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Have a great weekend. And for all of our sakes, please change your socks. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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