Winning the War on All Hallows Eve

The denominationally-confused Reverend Cavendish has just published his latest Sunday Sermon, and it is true to form:

Do you people even know what the Feast of All Hallows is? It is celebration of the saints, of all the saints who couldn’t have their own day! It is sort of like President’s Day, a generic day to remember martyrs for Christ! And today, the number of martyrs is growing astronomically. So, while putting pagan symbols on your lawn is blasphemous at any time of the year, it is doubly insulting to God on All Hallows Eve! So we need to recapture the spirit of the original holiday, before the forces of materialism and secularism ruin it.

His proposal is chilling:

Here are my suggestions on alternate costumes for your children:

Popular Halloween Costume: Princess
Proper All Hallow’s Costume: Saint Cecilia
Description: Saint Cecilia should carry a musical instrument and have three bloody axe wounds on her neck to signify the three initially failed attempts to behead her.

Popular Halloween Costume: Harry Potter
Proper All Hallow’s Costume: Saint Peter
Description: Since Saint Peter was crucified upside-down, children will need their parents to hold the base of the crucifix. Don’t use a candy bag with an open top!

Popular Halloween Costume: Spiderman
Proper All Hallow’s Costume: Thomas the Apostle
Description: Since Thomas was was killed by a spear, make sure that Spidey appears to be impaled. A small pump can be used to similate bleeding. Helpful Hint: Use tomato juice for arterial blood and grape juice for venous blood!

Popular Halloween Costume: Witch
Proper All Hallow’s Costume: Saint Agatha
Description: Saint Agatha had her breasts cut off. She is usually depicted carrying her breasts on a tray (which should be held in the opposite hand from the candy bag).

Can you imagine all the little martyrs running around the neighborhood? You can call me a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

Somehow he connects this to the benefits of attacking Iraq. I think that this is tortured reasoning, and will dress my children as a witch and a fire-fighter this year.