Cheers and Cheers: Thursday

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

It was inevitable, I suppose:

Bill Clinton: 'Screw It, I'm Running For President'

After spending two months accompanying his wife, Hillary, on the campaign trail, former president Bill Clinton announced Monday that he is joining the 2008 presidential race, saying he "could no longer resist the urge." ...

In a show of respect, Clinton then completed his introduction of Hillary Clinton, calling her a "wonderful wife and worthy political adversary," and warmly shook her hand as she approached the podium. A clearly shocked Mrs. Clinton got halfway through her speech about the nation's obligation to its children before walking briskly offstage.

"No longer will I have to endure watching candidates like Hillary Clinton engaging in single-pump handshakes with voters, as I use every last ounce of restraint not to shout out, 'No! Warm double-clasp! Warm double-clasp!'" Clinton said. "America deserves someone who can do it right."...

Although some have pointed out that it is unconstitutional for Clinton to run for a third term in office, he has silenced most critics by urging voters "not to worry about the Constitution for now" and assuring them he will address those legal issues immediately after regaining control of the White House.

---The Onion

I can't wait to read the candidate diaries now!

Cheers and Cheers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Cheers for Thursday, January 24, 2008

Note:  One of these nights I'm gonna go to Mount Rushmore and secretly carve the face of Jimmy Carter next to Washington's, just to see the spontaneous load that Republicans drop the next morning when they find out.  I bet it'll make the papers.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til The Netroots Nation convention in Austin July 17-20: 175
Days 'til Bush and Cheney leave office: 361
Number of "false statements" Bush and his top officials made about the threat from Iraq in the two years leading up to the invasion: 935
(Center for Public Integrity/Fund for Independence in Journalism via Think Progress)
Number of registered voters in the 24 states that will take part in Super Tuesday primaries: Over 70 million
Number of Democratic and Republican delegates at stake: Over 2,700
(Source: McClatchy News)
Number of cases of champagne the telecommunications companies have sitting on ice in anticipation of the day they're granted retroactive immunity for helping the government spy on Americans illegally: 4,000
(Source: No source necessary...it's a given)

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

Our optimism [that the state of our republic will improve] is informed not so much by the stewards of the public trust in Washington but by the workaday American heroes in Oregon, South Carolina, Colorado, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, Texas...people from both political parties and people from no political party.  The principled women and angry men who stand up to the bullies, bastards, and ideologues who have hijacked our government and came dangerously close to destroying a document created by colonial subjects resolved to re-create themselves as citizens of constitutional democracy.

That fight ain't over.  But it's the courage and intelligence of the men and women we encountered while working on this book, and the courage and skill of the lawyers who went to court with them, that limited the damage George W. Bush has done to our constitution since he took office in January 2001.

---From Bill of Wrongs (2007, Random House, with co-author Lou Dubose)

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  "Ahhhh!  Run fer your lyeef!!  Eet's  Kittymonkeydogbear!!!"

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CHEERS to Doddley Do-Right.  The senior senator from Connecticut (and his too-few allies) will be fighting to prevent retroactive immunity for the phone companies from being included in the new FISA bill.  These are the words of a wise man who understands who he's workin' for:

"Few things are more detrimental to this country than the erosion of and attack on the civil liberties we enjoy.  This isn't a Democratic issue or a Republican issue; this is an American issue.  If after debate, the Senate appears ready to pass legislation granting telecom providers retroactive immunity I will use any and all legislative tools at my disposal, including a filibuster, to prevent this deeply flawed bill from becoming law.   More and more, Americans are rejecting the false choice that has come to define this administration: security or liberty, but never, ever both.  For all those who have stood with me throughout this fight, I pledge, once more, to stand up for you."

This is it, folks.  Take five minutes today and use this to give your state senators and Harry Reid a helpful suggestion on how to proceed.  And it might not hurt to call Senator Dodd's office and spread a little sunshine.  I plan on singing "My Little Buttercup" to him.  Right after I politely ask him to gut his "esteemed colleagues" like the slimy fish they are.

CHEERS to the big bounce.  Yesterday, in defiance of nearly-impossible odds, the Dow Industrials shot up 300 points.  The rally was traced back to a Stock Exchange floor director who reminded an auctioneer that George W. Bush had less than a year in office.  And he told two friends.  And they told two friends...and so on...and so on...and so on.  Maybe today they can keep the rally going by mentioning Cheney's imminent departure.  To fourteen thousand...and beyond!

CHEERS to the master of blood, toil, tears and sweat.  On January 24, 1965, Winston Churchill died at the age of 90.  Pay your respects here.  And bask in the knowledge that sometimes drinking, smoking and overeating are the secret to a long life.

CHEERS to the latest bug to hit the windshield.  Jim Walsh of New York's 25th District is retiring so he can spend more time with random families who agree to take him in.  (Warning: he calls out points of order in his sleep.)  That makes him the 149th  Republican comgressman to cut and run like a yellow-bellied, lily-livered coward in the face of a Democratic tsunami in November.  I think House rules state that when #150 drops we all get a free Slurpee.

CHEERS to unexpected reprieves.  Good news: a new study by the NOAA and the University of Miami suggests that global warming will generate higher "vertical wind sheer" and reduce the number of hurricanes to make landfall.  Now the fine print: a new study by Bill in Portland Maine---funded by the DUH Institute---suggests that hurricanes won’t matter all that much when all of the most hurricane-prone cities are sitting underwater as a result of rising ocean levels caused by global warming.  But the point is: if you clench a pipe in your teeth while you're doing studies, you can tack an extra fifteen percent to your bill.  Twenty percent if your client's a real dumbshit.

CHEERS to balloon drops and ticker-tape parades.  Hooray!!!  After nearly seven years of doggedly pursuing the terrorist evildoer axis of poopysnots, the Bush administration can finally put a chalk mark in the WIN column.  Jose Padilla, a bona fide thinker – of – maybe – committing – a – naughty – thing – one - day, was sentenced on Tuesday to seventeen years in the pokey with nothing but bread, water and Bill O'Reilly books-on-tape.  I think it's safe to say that when the other wannabe terrorists hear about this, they'll become choirboys.

CHEERS to great moments in traction.  On January 24, 1899, Humphrey O’Sullivan patented the rubber heel.  That’s nice, but we’re partial to the steel-tipped toe (and the exposed Republican shin).

CHEERS to peace in our time.  After five years of Churchillian blood, sweat and tears (see above), it's finally time to arrange a surrender ceremony on a battleship.  According to the Great Village Poobah Fareed Zakaria, the war in Iraq is over "precisely because our troops are in the middle of it."  Huffington Post blogger Bob Cesca has one teeny question:

Okay. The war has largely ended because our troops are---huh what?  The war is over but if our combat soldiers come home, the war won't... be... over... anymore? The only thing I can make sense of here is that this is exactly the Bush Republican position on Iraq: The surge worked, the war is over, but noone can come home because the surge worked and the war is over.

Bob Cesca is shrill.

CHEERS to brilliant deduction.  Experts have finished their investigation into what caused the I-35 bridge in Minneapolis to collapse last August.  Their conclusion: there was something wrong with it.  It's like they have a sixth sense for these things.

CHEERS to good eatin’.  On this date in 1922, Christian Nelson of Iowa patented Eskimo Pie.  And they say Jeffrey Dahmer was crazy.

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One Year Ago in C&J:  January 24, 2007...

CHEERS to the Dream Team.  C&J agrees with former FCC chairman Reed Hundt on the Democratic candidates.  It's a strong field:

There are differences among our candidates, and I have views about who would be the best. But that’s not my topic today. I want to celebrate the spectacular range and depth of the field. As the next year unfolds, the Democratic candidates can lead Americans into a far-reaching and enlightening discussion about the great future that our country can make real for our citizens and the rest of the world. That alone marks 2007 as a year of hope.

...assuming the current president doesn’t push the red button in his "lunch box" before 2008.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to second looks.  Yes, I'm a Democrat.  Still, there's something about John McCain that makes me...I dunno...tingle.  I started feeling it after I watched this ad for the maverick marshmallow man in Abigail's X-rated Teen Diary.  If you need me for anything I'll be in therapy.

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"Matlockvear...veddy nice!"  Floor's open...What are you modeling on your runway today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Cheers and Jeers is the best cold medicine on Earth."
---Dr. Alan Greene
Lucile Packard Children's Hospital

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