Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Note: BRE KI G! Somebody broke our neon 'Breaking" sign! Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the Martin-Chambliss runoff election in Georgia: 13
Days 'til 2009: 42
America's rank among developed nations in terms of high school graduation rate: 13
Number of developed countries besides America in which young people are less likely to graduate than their parents were: 0
(Source: The New York Times via The Week)
Percent increase in male sexual arousal after inhaling the aroma of doughnuts and pumpkin pie: 40%
(Source: Men's Health)
Percent of Americans who intend to eat Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant: 2.6%
(Source: USA Today)
Number of Americans who intend to eat another human for Thanksgiving dinner: 2
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 159 (including 5 gogs and 1 flying nun). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Fido meets his match
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CHEERS to a small gathering of friends in an intimate setting. Barack Obama's inauguration is expected to draw 4,000,000 (yes, that's billion with an m) people. The Park Service assured organizers that they'd be ready for the unprecedented crush of people by setting up at least ten Port-O-Potties.
JEERS to your liberal media hard at work. Here are my thoughts on this week's "Belief Watch" column in Newsweek: It's bad enough that writer Lisa Miller thinks people who suspect Obama is the Antichrist are "not nuts." It's bad enough that she fails to balance her looney sources (Victoria Jackson??? The Rapture Watch guy???) with a single dissenting opinion from a respected religious figure who doesn’t eat Paranoia Flakes for breakfast. It's bad enough that she fails to mention that a key part of the Rapture is the death of all the Jews, which is why conservative Christians jerk off every night while staring at a map of Israel. It's bad enough that she fails to mention that the "Rapture Index"---which we make fun of every Wednesday in C&J (above)---shot past the magic 160 "Fasten Your Seat Belts" stage many times during George W. Bush's reign. It's bad enough that the article feeds the existing hatred against Obama, and blacks in general, by the cuckoo nut jobs who think assassination (or a good old-fashioned lynchin') can't come soon enough. It's bad enough that the article implies Obama has a secret "evil agenda," with nary a mention that Bush's agenda virtually destroyed our country and weakened world stability. It's bad enough that senior editor Jon Meacham, in a moment of temporary insanity, deemed Miller's article printable. But the worst thing of all is that the paper stock Newsweek uses doesn't do a very good job when one is wiping one's ass with it. You guys ever hear of two-ply???
CHEERS to off-the-charts eloquence. On November 19, 1863, President Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address as he dedicated a national cemetery at the Pennsylvania battlefield:
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
Click here and you can read it the way Abe wrote it (page 2 is here). Just a wild guess, but I don't think he busted the curve in calligraphy class.
JEERS to the coalition of the namby pamby. This is my first major "tut tut" to President-elect Barack Obama. See, in Obamaland, if someone in your caucus is a traitor, actively campaigning for your opponent and smearing your reputation, you shrug it off as nuthin' and send a signal to your former Democratic colleagues in the Senate to let the guy off with nary a scratch. But...if some lackey in your transition team leaks what you had for lunch today, they get vaporized. Just for that, I'm pushing back with drastic action: on inauguration day I'm only going to bawl out of one of my eyes.
P.S. Lest you think Democratic Senators are the only cowards around, the Republicans yesterday refused to kick seven-time convicted felon Ted Stevens out of the Senate. They didn’t want to go on record until they knew for sure he'd been re-elected. How brave.
JEERS to mission not accomplished. On this date seven---count `em, seven---years ago, the U.S. Gub'ment offered a $25 million reward for information leading to the location or capture of Osama bin Laden (tall guy, rides a donkey with a dialysis machine in tow). I'll take a wild guess and say Pakistan. Vegas if he's on vacation.
CHEERS to clumsy Democratic voters (bless their hearts). The Minnesota senate race recount starts today, and just to keep everyone thinking happy thoughts, here's this:
Professor Michael C. Herron of Dartmouth College, has put together a new study of the voting patterns in Minnesota, in the process determining that the majority of voters who cast unrecorded ballots in the Senate race were likely Franken supporters.
"If someone put a gun to my head and said, 'You have to bet,' I would bet Franken," Herron said, when reached by phone. "It won't be a wipe-out. Two hundred votes is effectively tied. We just know that, in this case, Democrats tend to [screw up their ballots] more often [than Republicans]." In Minnesota, the "intent" of the voter is considered during recounts.
For example, if a ballot's oval isn’t filled in, but "Norm Coleman is an ASSHOLE!!!" is scribbled in the margin, the vote would go to Al Franken. (And make sure someone mails that ballot to Coleman. Ha Ha Ha!!!) The breath-holding starts....now.
CHEERS to the new [oo-wacka-ooh-wacka-ooh... SOCK! POW!] Supercop! Barack Obama has made his choice for Attorney General, and I'm perusing his qualifications now:
>> Not named Ashcroft? Check.
>> Not named Gonzales? Check.
>> Not named Mukasey? Check.
>> Obama Nation author Jerome Corsi can't stand him? Check.
Okay, then. He's perfect.
CHEERS to President Blinkandyoullmisshim. Happy birthday to "#20" James Garfield, born 177 years ago today in a log cabin (the last president to have that distinction). He only got to enjoy his status as the first left-handed Commander-in-Chief for 200 days before he was assassinated. And shaaaame on him and running mate Chester Arthur for using $400,000 in campaign money to bribe Indiana voters with two-dollar bills. (I wonder if McCain's kickin' himself for not trying that.) Pay your respects here. And somebody bury the guy already.
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One Year Ago in C&J: November 19, 2007...
CHEERS to squints and sighs. Al Gore's Nobel Peace Prize win gets accolades from President Bush at the White House today. Our advice for the real winner in 2000: aim for the kneecaps.
TRIPLE JEERS to Chris Matthews. Jeer 1: He started his show yesterday with footage of Hillary and the caption, "She Devil?" Jeer 2: He and panelist Katty Kay had this awesome exchange:
Chris Matthews: "We know Hillary Clinton succeeded as a victim. After the whole mess with Monica and all, she gets elected senator. People of New York sort of cheered her on as a victim. Does victimization work for her?"
Katty Kay: "You know, Chris, this is soooo complicated! ... Looking at those debate clips, those moments when she seemed not to be doing well, were often the moments when she sounded shrill. It's an unfortunate fact of the female voice."
Jeer 3: Later in the show, a "Matthews Meter" poll of 12 of his D.C. pundit buddies asked, "Smart Politics for GOP to Demonize Hillary?" It was accompanied by a photo of Clinton with devil's horns sprouting from her forehead. Ahhh...Substance!
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And just one more...
CHEERS to one baked Alaskan. Yesterday Senator (and convicted felon, let us not forget) Ted Stevens turned 85. His opponent, Mark Begich, gave him a lovely gift. Namely, the gift of retirement. From our email in-box last night:
The AP has just called it---Mark will be Alaska's next U.S. Senator! The Division of Elections has counted roughly 24,000 of the remaining ballots today, and we have expanded our lead to 3724 votes! Here are the final numbers:
Mark Begich: 150,728
Ted Stevens: 147,004
There are an estimated 2500 overseas ballots to be counted. Those ballots are not enough to change the outcome of this election.
Begich is "the first Democrat to represent Alaska in the U.S. Senate in nearly 30 years," and his win gives us a 58-seat majority in the Senate. Oh, and y'know what else also? It also means Mrs. Palin won't be goin' to Washington anytime soon also. That sound you hear is God welding that door shut.
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Oh, and take that, you scurvy pirates!! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Vampires, sex make Cheers and Jeers a hit
---CNN
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