Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, November 20, 2008
Note: How DARE you accuse me of being proactive. I'm an American!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Thanksgiving: 7
Days `til National Fritters Day: 12
Cost of getting the "Live Like a President" package at the Capitol Hill Suites hotel on Inauguration Day, which includes tickets to the inauguration, a replica of an inauguration ball meal prepared by a personal chef, and a $1,000 shopping spree: $20,000
(Source: USA Today)
Number of women who have achieved the rank of 4-star general: 1 (Ann Dunwoody, 2008)
Percent of Americans surveyed who have changed their eating habits because of food prices: 80%
Percent who are fighting the high cost of produce by planting their own vegetable gardens: 21%
(Source: Parade)
Average cost of using another bank's ATM: $3.43
(Source: Bloomberg.com via The Week)
Minnesota Recount:
Coleman's lead yesterday: 215
Coleman's lead today: 174
Percent of the votes counted so far: 18%
(Source: Minneapolis Star-Tribune)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Ever since 1994, the Republican Party has gone after Democrats with the frenzy of a foaming mad dog. There was the impeachment of Bill Clinton, not to mention the trashing of both Clinton and his wife---accused of everything from selling drugs to murder---all orchestrated by that paragon of manners, Tom DeLay. [...]
[A]fter 12 years of tolerating lying, cheating and corruption, the press is prepared to lecture Democrats on how to behave with bipartisan manners. Given Bush's record with the truth, this bipartisanship sounds like a bad idea on its face. Go back to the first year of the administration, when Bush double-crossed Ted Kennedy in the No Child Left Behind Act. Think about it: You've said at the outset of your administration that you need cooperation to get anything done. Then you double-cross one of the senior senators of the other party when your re-education and labor agenda is dependent on him?
These people are not only dishonest---they're not even smart. Not that I recommend nailing them at every turn, but I wouldn't be surprised if they try to do it to Democrats. If what Republicans have been practicing is bipartisanship, West Texas just flooded.
---November, 2006
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The housing bust is is hitting everybody.
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CHEERS to great problems in search of great solutions. So many people are going to show up for Obama's inauguration that planners are poring over maps to figure out how to accommodate them. If I may make the most brilliant suggestion ever made by a human being or even a talking animal: move the scaffolding to the other end of the Mall and let Obama take the oath on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. The headlines the next day would only need one word: "Closure." As for the overcrowding, I have no friggin' clue---what do you think I am, some kind of idea factory?
CHEERS to Dr. Tom's Magic Medicine Show. Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle has accepted his nomination as Secretary of Health and Human Services in the Obama administration. Among other things (like the National Gout Eradication Task Force), he'll be in charge of Medicare, Medicaid, Kool-Aid, Band-Aids, Hearing aids, marital aids (wink wink) and the FDA. He seems to be a capable feller to me. But I'll reserve judgment until I see the results of his pre-screening questionnaire and colonoscopy.
JEERS to a bad start. Yesterday the CEOs of the Big Wee Three automakers went to Capitol Hill to ask for Mo Money, Mo Money Mo Money, and promptly ran into a bit of a buzzsaw:
"There is a delicious irony in seeing private luxury jets flying into Washington, D.C., and people coming off of them with tin cups in their hand, saying that they're going to be trimming down and streamlining their businesses," Rep. Gary Ackerman, D-New York, told the chief executive officers of Ford, Chrysler and General Motors at a hearing of the House Financial Services Committee.
"It's almost like seeing a guy show up at the soup kitchen in high hat and tuxedo. It kind of makes you a little bit suspicious."
He added, "couldn't you all have downgraded to first class or jet-pooled or something to get here? It would have at least sent a message that you do get it."
It didn’t help matters when Ford CEO Richard Mulally was asked if he would work for a year on a salary of one dollar. Quoth he: "I think I'm okay where I am." Y'know, the more I think about it, the more I believe these people really need a bailout. As in, we need to throw 'em out of their jets at 20-thousand feet.
CHEERS to dropping the hammer! Senate Democrats are fighting back against the evil Bush administration's efforts to cram as many wingnuts as it can into career civil service jobs so that their smash 'n burn legacy will live on for years. And they're not just playing hardball with a simple letter. Oh no. This time they sent over a sternly-worded letter. How anyone can prevent this from escalating into pigtail-pulling and parking lot taunting I don't know.
JEERS to bad Mainers. (Bad! Bad!) I suppose I need to say something to calm the nation down after the story broke that some general store owner-slash-yahoo in Standish started a pool for customers to guess when President Obama would be assassinated. He advertised the contest with a sign that read: "Osama Obama Shotgun Pool. Stabbing, shooting, roadside bombs, they all count. Let's hope someone wins." It's my understanding that the sign has been replaced with one reading: "Osama Obama Shotgun Pool Cancelled. Threats of stabbing, shooting, roadside bombs, they all count...as legitimate threats against the President's life, which is illegal. Let's hope the Secret Service scares the crap out of the idiot who created this contest." The owner hasn’t been seen in days. I'd say the men in black are succeeding.
CHEERS to people who speak like real Americans. I don’t know about you, but I get verklempt at the drop of a hat these days. During Bush's reign of error, I always cheered dissenting voices on the left, but they rarely changed the course of events so I didn't stay excited for long. Now I read their words and I get choked up because I know that in two months they're gonna be in charge of things. Like this fine June rant from future Attorney General Eric Holder:
"I never thought I would see the day," Holder said, "when a Justice Department would claim that only the most extreme infliction of pain and physical abuse constitutes torture and that acts that are merely cruel, inhuman and degrading are consistent with United States law and policy, that the Supreme Court would have to order the president of the United States to treat detainees in accordance with the Geneva Convention, never thought that I would see that a president would act in direct defiance of federal law by authorizing warrantless NSA surveillance of American citizens. This disrespect for the rule of law is not only wrong, it is destructive in our struggle against terrorism. . . .
"Our government authorized the use torture, approved of secret electronic surveillance against American citizens, secretly detained American citizens without due process of law, denied the writ of habeas corpus to hundreds of accused enemy combatants, and authorized the use of procedures that violate both international law and the United States Constitution.
"Now, I do not question the motives of patriotism of those responsible for these policies. But this does nothing to mitigate the fact that these steps were wrong when they were initiated and they are wrong today.
"We owe the American people a reckoning."
But we'll settle for simple competence, thanks.
WHOOPS to the understatement of the week. "Oh, great." And with those words astronaut Heide McButterfingers, in the process of making repairs on the International Space Station, watched her tool kit float off into space, where it will one day collide with and destroy an Inkydinkyalite spacecraft rushing to save Earth from ecological destruction by its own inhabitants. But even worse, the bag also contained the only key to the mini bar. Let's just say it's a little tense at the breakfast table this morning.
JEERS to more Zawahooey. Al Qaeda's #2 guy (hey, haven’t we killed him, like, 30 times already?) Ayman Zawahri released another tape of mumblings this week. In addition to complaining that the TV series Lost is "confusing" and calling Sarah Palin an "Ilf" (Infidel I'd Like to F**k), he took a moment to label President-elect Barack Obama a "house negro." Ha ha ha...spoken like a true "cave dick." But trust me, Ayman: leave the racism to us. We're the experts.
CHEERS to unsolved mysteries. Achtung! After decades of speculation, it's official: Hitler really did have only one testicle. Now if we can just figure out who Carly Simon was singing about in "You're So Vain," we can finally get some sleep.
JEERS to fat food. Today is the 24th anniversary of McDonalds's 50 billionth hamburger. And just look at all the happy customers. Y'all want fries with that?
P.S. Isn't "fast food" an oxymoron?
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One Year Ago in C&J: November 20, 2007...
CHEERS to mooning Murdoch. Good lord, Fox News can't even get Republicans to show up at its debates. Iowa frontrunner Mitt Romney has made all the GOP bigwigs in the state cry because he said no to a Fox debate on December 4. The risky snub means he may not be the guy who gets totally shellacked by our team next November. Keep fighting, li'l nipper---you'd be the greatest loser ever!
JEERS to King Bush, Act XXII. He's up! He's down! He's...up again??? But everything's relative, so nobody should start laying the foundation for a Dubya Monument on the Mall anytime soon:
After more than two years of being buffeted by one political disaster after another, President Bush and his strategists think they may finally be getting back at least a bit of their footing. While still facing enormous challenges, from the crisis in Pakistan to the backlash over children's health care, they hope Bush has arrested his downward spiral and established a better foundation for the remainder of his time in office.
In many ways, the shifting political fortunes may owe as much to the absence of bad news as to any particular good news. No one lately has been indicted, botched a hurricane relief effort or shot someone in a hunting accident.
At this rate he may get back up to Nixonian levels by Easter. [11/20/08 Update: Or not.]
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the dude who makes the duds. I know nothing about fashion design, but when I think of the "American look," my pea brain is smart enough to think of Ralph Lauren. USA Today ran an interesting article about him yesterday. Among the tidbits: the company so far is bucking the economic trend; he's a big-time donor to the effort to preserve the flag that flew over Fort McHenry when Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner; and he's an Obama fan:
The parallels between Obama's story of ascendancy and Lauren's own are obvious, "absolutely," the designer says. "What's so amazing about this country is that you're able to earn it," whether it's a presidency or a retail empire. "So I lived what he's talking about."
The country of the past eight years is "not the America I want to be a part of," Lauren says, although it's "still my country," he's quick to point out. He has hope in Obama. "I'm very excited. I think he's going to be effective. I have confidence in him. He will equalize America."
And perhaps more than any other president in history---with the possible exception of Zachary Taylor on "Lederhosen Tuesdays"---he'll look damn sharp doing it.
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Oh, and happy birthday to Senator Robert Byrd (he's 91) and Vice President-elect Joe Biden (he's 66, but don't tell the end-times crowd or they'll figure out a way to spin it into something apocalyptic). The former gets a new skateboard, the latter gets a free de-bugging of his new home in January. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine: Sexiest Man Alive!
---People magazine
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