Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY!

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

This Late Night Snark Has Not Been Vetted:

"A new study says that unhappy people watch more TV. I just want to say, Helllllooo, Republicans!"
---Jay Leno
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"It was so cold today, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test."
---David Letterman
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"Yesterday in Georgia, John McCain was campaigning for a Republican congressman who is facing a runoff election. You can tell McCain is a little bitter about his defeat because instead of saying 'My friends,' he now says, 'My ungrateful bastards.'"
---Conan O'Brien
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"Barack Obama met with Hillary Clinton on Friday to see if she would be interested in a role in his administration. 'Of course,' said Hillary. 'I'll take president.'"
---Seth Meyers
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"I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say things are not going well for the Republicans. Two years ago they controlled both the White House and the Congress. Soon they'll be controlling both the Coke machine and the fry station."
---Stephen Colbert

And our favorite, from The Daily Show:

Fox News announcer: Vice President Dick Cheney and former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales have been indicted. The South Texas indictment says there's a---quote---"money trail" of Cheney's prison-related businesses.

Jon Stewart: Dick Cheney has prison-related business. Is there any unpleasant aspect of our society that Dick Cheney isn’t making money off of?

Oh, hey... It's the last pre-Thanksgiving weekend of the Bush administration, and you know what that means: blogosphere-wide Lambada party! Show up nude and we'll waive the cover charge.

Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 21, 2008

Note:  I used to think robots would eventually take over the planet.  Now I'm leaning towards dungbeetles.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Inauguration Day: 60
Days `til the Netroots Nation convention in Pittsburgh, August 13-16, 2009: 266
Number of Netroots Nation attendees who have won the Nobel Prize: 2 (Al Gore, Paul Krugman)
Prevalence of autism in America: 1 in 150 births
Lifetime cost of caring for a person with autism: $3.5-to-5 million
(Source: USA Today)
Percent of Americans who plan to spend less on holiday travel this year: 56%
Percent who said they plan to spend more: 6%
(Source: The Week)
The last time a former Secretary of State was elected president: 1856 (Buchanan)

Minnesota Senate race recount:
Coleman's lead over Franken yesterday: 174
Coleman's lead today: 140 (...or less?)

And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,453
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  I can't wait until these people find out in the afterlife that God is a dachshund...

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CHEERS to change we can believe in.  Congressman John Dingell, who put "Detroit's auto interests above all else" as chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, got the boot this week.  His replacement is Henry Waxman.  In a word: Wheee!

The Energy and Commerce panel is one of the most important House committees, with sweeping jurisdiction over energy, the environment, consumer protection, telecommunications and health care programs such as Medicaid and the popular State Children's Health Insurance Program. ...

"Waxman's victory is a breath of fresh air---of clean air.  It was a stunning defeat for the corporate lobbyists on K Street," said Frank O'Donnell, president of Clean Air Watch.  "It shows that a majority of the House Democrats are ready to work with the incoming Obama administration on effective global warming legislation."

The first change you'll see: during hearings, those called to testify will run the lights by pedaling a generator.

P.S. "A stunning defeat for the corporate lobbyists on K Street."  Why, that would look lovely on a refrigerator magnet.

JEERS to self-parody.  Yesterday at noon CNN started their top-hour news with two minutes on the titanic collapse of the U.S. economy.  Then they moved to their #2 story, which they gave equal time and treated with equal gravitas: Madonna's divorce.  And coming up after the break on "The World's News Leader"---the Jonas Brothers are caught roughhousing again.

CHEERS to gravity defiance.  After closing just above the embarrassing 7,500 mark yesterday, the Dow Industrials shot up nearly 500 points today, ending the week just above 8,000.  Some people say it's because President-elect Obama plans to nominate New York Federal Reserve President Timothy Geithner as Treasury Secretary.  Now that we know what tickles Wall Street in its sweet spot, fixing the financial markets will be easy: all Obama has to do is nominate a new Treasury Secretary, each one a little more brilliant than the one before, at 3 o'clock every weekday afternoon until the Dow hits 30,000.  Occam's razor strikes again.

GET WELL SOON to Michael Mukasey.  The Attorney General collapsed last night while giving a speech, and it looks like he'll be fine (he was up smiling and endorsing torture from his hospital bed this morning).  Mukasey told doctors it sometimes happens when he thinks about who his boss is.

CHEERS to dry land.  On November 21, 1620, after being denied boarding passes at Heathrow because they were on the no-fly list, a bunch of English people with B.O. and no sense of humor landed in Provincetown, Massachusetts.  The citizens of the budding gay hamlet had one word for the new arrivals: "Makeover!"  (But the buckles on their hats?  "Fab-o!")

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Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man.  Digby watches the Senate conduct a farewell circle jerk over outgoing lawbreaker Ted Stevens and asks: "[J]ust today the congress decided that they can't do anything about the auto industry until next year, unemployment is the worst in 16 years, and the stock market completely tanked.  And they spend over an hour lauding this convicted felon as a hero on the floor of the Senate?  What were they thinking?

"Towel!"

Now back to Cheers and Jeers.

Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

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CHEERS to unpleasant surprises.  This afternoon I reached for a tomato and it collapsed into a mass of green mold and slimy entrails of rot.  For a few seconds it took my mind off the economy.  I think I'll do it again tomorrow.

TSK TSK to the Family, Friends & Inmates calling plan.  Little problem's been discovered in America's prisons:

Thousands of illegal cellphones are being smuggled into prisons, where inmates, including some on death row, use them to threaten victims, conduct drug deals, plot escape and seek legal help, prison officials say.  The phones, most operating on prepaid accounts bought by relatives and friends, often are not caught in searches at visitor entries.

Guards started getting suspicious when they heard Nickelback coming out of an inmate's ass.

JEERS to tiny taunts.  Demonstrations broke out today in Iraq over a tentative agreement between al Maliki's cabinet and the U.S. (the Iraqi Parliament is still squabbling over it) that would allow our troops to stay in the country through 2011.  Now, I don’t have a degree in civil disobedience, but this sounds like a weak chant to me: "No, no to America; No, no to Israel."  Memo to Muqtada al Sadr: you're leading an army of Islamic Jihadist thugs, not a roomful of kindergarten teachers.

CHEERS to spinning in circles.  On this date in 1877, Thomas Edison announced to the world that he had invented the phonograph.  In fact, he broke the news via a phonograph recording, which sounded like this:

"Hello, is this thing on?  Testes...testes one two three.  We begin bombing the Russians in 30 minutes.  Ha ha!  That always cracks 'em up at the Elks Lodge!  But seriously, folks.  Mary had a little lamb---her parents were mortified.  I just can't help myself...  You folks fly in from out of town?  I bet your arms are tired!  I slay me...  Bwock Bwock Bwock...  I'm bored.  Can I invent the light bulb now?"

Crazy geniuses.

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One Year Ago in C&J: November 21, 2007...

JEERS to another heckuva job (no Brownie required).  The Army Corps of  Engineers would like to make a brief apology to the people of New Orleans.  Ahem...

"Okay, y'know those flood maps we drew up for Lakeview and other neighborhoods that showed our new flood-control efforts would offer protection up to five and a half feet?  Funny thing...  We, uh...  Really, you'll laugh when you hear this...  We really mean to say six inches.  Gosh, do we feel silly or what?"

But whatever we do, we mustn't call in the Dutch to save our hides.  That would show weakness.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to amazing discoveries.  This is pretty cool: scientists have found the remains of Nicolaus Copernicus.  The father of modern astronomy (and pain in the Catholic church's ass) was among the first to theorize that the Earth revolved around the sun.  And not many people know this, but he also theorized that after he died he would eventually come back and star in a hit movie with a pig.  Scary.

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Have a great weekend.  And follow Jonathan Turley's advice: Be the goat.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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