Cheers and Jeers: Rum Balls FRIDAY!
Fri Dec 19, 2008 at 04:50:08 PM PDT
From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Rick Warren: We must love gays. But only the sick ones.
Obama spokeswoman Linda Douglass defends Warren thus and so:
"Warren has been a passionate advocate on behalf of the poor and has really led evangelicals to champion the interest [sic] who suffer from HIV and AIDS..."
Interesting coincidence. Last week a local pastor here in Maine, Neil Farrar, wrote an op-ed against gay civil rights in which he echoed the same thing to distract from the fact that his main arguments are crap:
My own father, as a singles pastor in a megachurch in Texas during the '80s, told me of the countless times that he would go to the hospital and visit young men in AIDS wards who were dying; he told me how he would hold these men in his arms as they gasped in terror for their last breath. Fear did not take my father there, but rather love.
Here's my question: why is love and compassion so freely offered by conservative Christians when a gay person is dying, but so stingily withheld when a gay person is healthy and headlong in the pursuit of happiness? Why are we only worth a damn to them when we're gasping in terror for our last breath? What kind of mind makes such a distinction? Healthy one minute: "Damn you." Sick the next: "We love you." Talk about passive-aggressive.
Homosexuality is equivilent to incest and pedophilia in Rick Warren's mind. The countless gay couples legally married in California and Massachusetts are non-existent to him. That marriage in America is, ultimately, a civil institution, not a religious one, is immaterial to him. That marriage has been redefined constantly over the centuries matters not a whit to him. That reparative therapy is a disaster because homosexuality is an immutable characteristic falls on deaf ears. That many gays and lesbians are faithful Christians who love and contribute to their churches is lost on him.
Gay people do absolutely everything our country asks of them. From paying their taxes to donating their time and money to their communities; from raising happy, well-adjusted kids to covertly (for now) serving in uniform and putting their lives on the line in defense of Rick Warren and his followers. And yet the only way to get these conservative Biblical cherry-pickers to pat us on the head is when we're down for the count.
What cowardice.
Don’t get me wrong. Anyone who offers aid and comfort to people with HIV/AIDS---indeed, any affliction---deserves praise and thanks for doing that. No question about it. But why must gay people have to become profoundly weakened before the Rick Warrens and Neil Farrars of the world extend a hand and finally treat us as brothers and sisters? Why can't they embrace us---and our partners and families---right now, and acknowledge our ongoing and significant contribution to the American story? Why are they so damned afraid of us when we're thriving?
In conclusion: no rum balls for them. Not today.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 19, 2008
C&J Fundraiser Update: Oh, we're getting so close! We're 70% of the way toward meeting our final goal of $10k for the year (which runs Oct. thru Oct.). Just three teeny grand left. Here's how to buy yourself a piece of the C&J pie:
If it's easier for you to send a check via snail mail, the address is: Bill Harnsberger, 16 Pitt Street, Portland, ME, 04103.
And to everyone who has donated already: many thanks. To show my appreciation, I'm adding a bidet to the executive washroom. It has a cup holder!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til 2009: 13
Days `til the Mushers Bowl Winter Carnival in Bridgton: 28
Amount Americans say they'll spend on holiday gifts this year: $716
The last time that figure was so low: 1989
(Source: ABC News via The Week)
Rank of 2008 among warmest years on record: #9
(Source: NASA)
Percent chance that the 10 warmest years since record-keeping began in 1850 have all occurred since 1997: 100%
(Source: Britain's Met Office)
Price of lobster at Hannaford Supermarkets through January 3: $3.99/lb
C&J's approval rating for Barack Obama: 86%
And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,481
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Guess who got to light the candles on the menorah?
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CHEERS to the sweetest 43 words in the English language. Ear candy:
Al Franken took his first official lead in the Minnesota Senate recount this morning... It now appears that unless Coleman can win a major lawsuit to disqualify a high number of Franken ballots, Al Franken will be the next U.S. senator from Minnesota.
Thus officially knocking the words, Oh god oh god baby don’t stop oh god oh god oh god more more oh god oh god pour on that chocolate sauce oh god oh god oh god oh god more whipped cream now mmm your salty nuts yes yes yes! out of first place. Well, at least until the next time we make sundaes at our house.
CHEERS to new faces. Kossack Strobusguy makes a good point that "it's these next-level-down appointments, beyond the bright glare of public notice, that make such a huge difference." The latest example: Obama's nominee to head the NOAA, Jane Lubchenko:
This is a powerhouse appointment. I have had several opportunities to hear Dr. Lubchenco speak, and I regard her not just as one of this generation's great conservation leaders, but one of the strongest advocates we have for science and its necessary place in shaping policy. Her appointment will help bring the very best minds we have to the issues of marine conservation and climate change. She is one who understands the need for integrated solutions, and for clear communication links between the scientific world, policy-makers, the media, and the public. She will also make the job of reclaiming scientific integrity in the Obama administration a high priority.
Job #1: wipe the eight years of dust off all the idle lab equipment.
JEERS to gifts you'll "flip" over. Ladies, how many times have you said to yourself, "Gosh, if only my man smelled like the dumpster behind a burger joint!" Well, this is your lucky holiday season. Now you have a rare chance to pay a medium price for a gift over which your better half will say, "Well done." Introducing Burger King's new body spray, called---I kid you not---Flame. We'll file this story under: "Reasons why Burger King should stick to what they're good at: flame-broiled cow lips."
JEERS to coming dead last in the spelling bee. Nineteen years ago Sunday, Vice President Dan Quayle sent out 30,000 Christmas cards that said: "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." My spellchecker didn't even flag the word when I typed it just now---it simply threw up a pop-up message that said, "Greetings, Potatoe Man!"
CHEERS to going green. The Wee Three automakers are going to get some cash to tide them over until next March. And all they need to do now is demand one buttcheek from each union member and figure out how to make their cars run on a mix of ethanol, electricity, magma and Twinkie filling. Everyone in the conference room for a meeting. Bring your cot.
JEERS to the Republican brain. You might think the rule President Bush passed yesterday granting medical workers a "conscience exemption" was a kiss to conservatives in the health care field. Blogger Hilzoy says it's more like a dream employment opportunity for lazybutts:
This is a wonderful rule for slackers, since it provides a legally protected way to get paid while doing no work at all. Here's the plan:
(1) Get an MD, and a job as a doctor.
(2) Become a Christian Scientist.
(3) Announce your religious objection to participating in any medical procedure, or to supporting such procedures in any way (e.g., by doing the other doctors' paperwork. This refusal would be protected under the rule.)
(4) When your employer protests, explain that your right to refuse to participate in any medical procedure at all is legally protected under this rule.
Voila: white-collar welfare! See how easy?
I would also object to working anywhere but home and in anything but a hot tub. I'm very strict.
FAREWELL to a nasty but very efffective nemesis. Heritage Foundation founder and conservative hero Paul Weyrich is dead at 66. His contribution to civil discourse:
More than any person, perhaps excluding President Ronald Reagan, whom he attacked as insufficiently conservative, Weyrich stitched the religious, social-issue voters into the secular fabric of the Republican Party. He co-founded the Washington-based Heritage Foundation in 1973 as a counterbalance to the liberal Brookings Institution and launched what became an influential network of conservative think tanks and talk radio shows that contributed to the culture wars of the past three decades.
I hate to speak ill of the departed, so let me see if I can say something nice. Um... Ah! He was a big fan of trains. Oh wait...he tried to abolish Amtrak. Damn, this is hard.
JEERS to walkin' in a #!%^$! winter &!#$#!! wonder#!@!$! land (skiers and snowmobilers may disagree). While some parts of the country will greedily bask in warmth on the first day of Winter Sunday, (okay, we get it, Hawaii: you're tropical...), others---like the northeast---are reeling from an onslaught of snow, ice, and howling winds. In fact, it's blizzarding as I write this. Oh, and Sunday's the darkest day of the year, too. Subtlety---not Ma Nature's strong suit.
P.S. On this date in 1777, George Washington parked his 11,000 troops at Valley Forge for the winter. The General tried to rally his men: "All we need to do is invent space heaters and create a power grid and it'll be like Club Med!" His words were effective. For about 30 seconds.
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One year ago in C&J: December 19, 2007
CHEERS to cacophony in the cornfields. For those of you who are just starting to pay attention to what's going on in Iowa, here's a brief recap of what you've missed:
"Did not!" "Did too!" "Did not!" "Did too!" "Cokehead!" "Question planter!" "Ass." "Creep." "Experience!" "Change!" "Experience and change!" "Change for a twenty?" "Jerk." "Corporate-ass kisser!" "If I have to eat another doughnut I'm gonna throw up." "Me too." "I can't feel my toes." "I said, NO farting in the minivan!" "Smile for the camera!"
Ya hate to see it end.
CHEERS to the Verisimilitudiness of the Villagers. John at Americablog is right: the traditional media, tired of covering everyone else in the Republican field, has made John McCain their It-Boy of the moment, thanks to a newspaper endorsement and a sloppy kiss from Joe Lieberman, neither of which will influence a single voter:
Reporters really can be such cheap dates. ... The media sees momentum for McCain. Not translating anywhere else, really. But that doesn't matter. The GOP field is in such disarray that reporters and editorial boards are pushing McCain's comeback.
But to attribute so much potential influence to Lieberman's endorsement is pretty laughable. Although there are ample mentions of Lieberman's VP run in 2000, not so much coverage of Lieberman's run for President in 2004---which famously went no where. In New Hampshire, Lieberman came in fifth with nine, yes nine percent, of the vote.
And, let's not forget, sixth in Iowa with zero percent...two notches below "uncommitted." Talk amongst yourselves...I'm laughing too hard to go on...
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Dreidl time! You'll never believe this, but...
It was Hanukkah and the tiny village was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour. Rudi, the rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.
He said, "don't worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!"
Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Mortey, you think it'll work?"
"Of course! Everybody knows Rudolph the Rab knows grain, dear!"
Starting Sunday, have a Happy Happy Happy Channuka, Channukah, Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanuko, Hannuka, Hannukah, Hanuka, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Kanukkah, Khannuka, Khannukah, Khanuka, Khanukah, Khanukkah, and Xanuka!! (But please...make up your mind.)
P.S. Here's your White House Hanukkah card. Nice Hanukkah tree!
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Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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