By the Numbers: C&J poll results from July through September
Percent of Kossacks who saw more Obama bumper stickers than McCain stickers: 85%
As of August 19, 17% rated the campaign Obama was running an "A." 55% gave his campaign a "B."
Percent of Kossacks who love or like the idea of working four longer workdays, followed by three off: 81%
The top perk Kossacks say they're looking forward to as co-owners of AIG is "Unlimited penthouse suite sex" (34%), followed by "I can come in for a few hours and then go golfing" (14%)
In choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate, 7% thought John McCain was putting country first. 89% thought he was putting the interests of the "ultra-conservative fringe" first.
Of the Democratic candidates making their run for the Senate, 64% were most eager to see Al Franken win, followed by Mark Warner at 8%
Percent of Kossacks who believe the toilet paper goes over the roll: 75% (13% insist it goes under)
Kossacks' favorite Paul Newman movie is Cool Hand Luke (43%), followed by Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and The Verdict (11% each).
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Puppy Pic of the Day: My two favorite things
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Cheers and Jeers 2008 Flashback: July
CHEERS to burgers and brats with Barack. In a twist on the old "Who would you rather have a beer with?" question, most Americans---by a margin of 52% to 45%---said they'd rather have a barbeque with Obama than McCain. Meanwhile, the three people who picked Ralph Nader are in for a treat: listening to him rant about how there's absolutely no difference between hamburgers and hot dogs.
JEERS to rude awakenings. This is just awful: Orange to Blue candidate Darcy Burner's house burned down yesterday morning. She and the family (including the puppy) made it out okay. Special "Thank You" to five year-old son Henry, who woke up Mom and Dad in time to escape. Consider your allowance doubled, kid.
CHEERS to clearing your name. Nelson Mandela was officially removed from the federal terrorist watch list, so now he can travel to the United States freely. But make sure somebody checks his shoes, anyway. All that white hair and worldy gravitas looks suspicious.
JEERS to Fox News. The network that complains about not being taken seriously got caught doctoring photos yesterday to make two New York Times employees look slimy and devious. The Times responded by making the Fox anchors look slimy and devious by publishing their photos undoctored.
JEERS to the toughest job I'll ever hate. This is gonna hurt. Former Senator Jesse Helms, one of the absolute worst American role models to ever be birthed, has died at 86. And yet I feel honor-bound to note his passing with a word of praise. So here it is: Jesse Helms left the Democratic party. For that we can be truly thankful.
CHEERS to strapping on a pair. Memo from Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki to the United States of Sticking Our Nose Where It Never Belonged: "Thanks so much for the freedom and the soccer balls and suchlike...now cut and run. Run! RUN!!!" Fine, but only if you agree to prevent Blackwater from leaving. They creep us out over here.
JEERS to kicking James Madison in the teeth. Yesterday 69 Senators subverted the Constitution and passed the new FISA law, which will now go to President Bush's desk for signin'. (We hear Vladimir Putin sent a lovely congratulatory bouquet to the White House). Your communications devices will be working intermittently today due to the fact that all the telco executives celebrated by turning their uplink dishes into punch bowls.
CHEERS to Ted Kennedy. At least George Bush didn’t get everything he wanted yesterday. The President and his Medicare-hating goons thought they had the Dems by the short end of the popsicle stick, when the crazy (like a fox) old Massachusetts liberal walked in, raised his arms and bellowed, "Yippee Ki Aye, muthufukkahs!"
"I return to the Senate today to keep a promise to our senior citizens and that’s to protect Medicare. Win, lose or draw, I wanted to be here. I wasn’t going to take the chance that my vote could make the difference."
Did it make a difference? You bet---his vote now makes the bill veto-proof. Oh, and guess who was the only senator to miss the vote? Yep...McCain. He was too busy telling his town hall audiences how America isn't meeting its quota of death and destruction around the world. Naturally, his Orcs applauded.
CHEERS to the maverick's meltdown. I can barely keep track of all the circus-like behavior coming from our "esteemed colleague from across the aisle." But I'll give it a shot:
John McCain says Social Security is "a disgrace" because it's working the way it was designed to work by Franklin Roosevelt back in the 1930s.
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John McCain's chief economic advisor says America is "a nation of whiners" and should quit complaining about losing their stupid houses, jobs and retirement savings. (Dirt is edible, you know.)
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John McCain, clearly pandering to the crucial impotent white male vote, believes health insurance companies should cover men's boner pills but not women's birth control pills.
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John McCain says he's glad we're exporting lots of cigarettes to Iran because it will kill Iranian civilians faster.
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John McCain confused the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers.
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John McCain lied to a Vietnam veteran---right to his face---about his support from veterans groups and his voting record on veterans' health benefits. Now that's classy.
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Oh, and John McCain---while maverickly giving the sin of adultery a whirl---went ahead and "obtained an Arizona marriage license on March 6, 1980, while still legally married to his first wife."
If he keeps making me track his gaffes at this blistering pace, I'm gonna sue him for aggravating my carpal tunnel syndrome. The pain! The suffering! I want $20 million cash! (But I'll settle for Ohio on a Democratic platter in November.)
JEERS to a rough start. The new iPhone went on sale today and there seems to have been some sort of misunderstanding. Apparently customers were unaware that "3g" stands for three times more glitches. But they stayed in line anyway once they heard the new model comes with a retractable gas-tank siphon.
JEERS to moving in the wrong direction. So if we're winning the war on terrorism, shouldn't the terror watch list be getting smaller? Well, it says here that the list of suspects is growing faster than calories on a plate in the Country Buffet line:
The American Civil Liberties Union [announced] at the National Press Club that the U.S. government's terrorist watch list has added its 1 millionth name. The estimate stems from a Justice Department inspector general's report last year that put the watch list roster---four years after its creation---at more than 720,000 in April 2007, and growing by 20,000 records a month.
Would the last American not designated a terrorist please turn out the lights? Thanks.
CHEERS to Netroots Nation. My thoughts:
The event was insanely well-organized and orderly, especially the anarchy workshop.
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In my swag bag I received a condom with a note on the wrapper that said, "Protect the U.S. Constitution." I wasn't aware that the founding fathers wrote it on a penis.
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If we can ever figure out how to turn sweat into fuel, Al Gore will be able to power the planet for at least the next thirty years.
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Lining the walls in the rotunda of the state capitol are portraits of former Texas governors. Ann Richards' portrait sits next to George W. Bush's. If I was in charge I'd put yellow police "CRIME SCENE: DO NOT CROSS" tape between them.
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John Dean can catch flies with a pair of chopsticks. Richard Clarke can stop your heartbeat with his index finger. Paul Krugman has the nicest toes of any New York Times columnist. Don Siegelman is always the classiest guy in any room unless Jotter's there. Darcy Burner and Donna Edwards must be cloned forthwith. And if you meet Jim Hightower and don’t want to pinch his cheeks you're not human.
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There was a right-wing "counter-conference" in Austin at the same time as Netroots Nation. It sucked so bad that Bob Barr came to our place instead and even Michelle Malkin closed her laptop and spent an afternoon pole dancing.
See you in Pittsburgh?
CHEERS to travelin' man. After sneaking away from his media posse to single-handedly capture a nest of Taliban evildoers with nothing more than a revolver made of licorice, Barack Obama flew to Kuwait where he thanked the troops and sank a three-pointer from 50 feet. Then it was off to Iraq, where the government gleefully expressed support for his withdrawal timeline. Going through Barack's mind (a la Will Smith): "I make this look good." Going through McCain's head: "My friends...I'm fucked."
CHEERS to legislators in shining armor. The Senate approved a gazillion-dollar housing crisis bill over the weekend, and President Bush will sign it today. After hammering out a compromise with Republicans, the final bill ends up giving strapped homeowners a free box of shingles and a new welcome mat. Sweet.
P.S. Like my new T-shirt? It says, "I'm a renter and all I got was a bill for this lousy housing bailout." Edgy.
CHEERS to headlines we live for: Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) indicted on seven criminal counts. The full list of charges is twenty-eight freakin' pages long! Click your ruby slippers together and repeat after me: There is Christmas in July! There is Christmas in July!
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August
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CHEERS to the pen stroke heard 'round the world. It's official: same-sex couples from out of state can now get married in Massachusetts:
Gov. Deval Patrick signed a bill repealing a 1913 law that had blocked most out-of-state same-sex couples from tying the knot. ... "In five years now ..the sky has not fallen, the earth has not opened to swallow us all up, and more to the point, thousands and thousands of good people---contributing members of our society---are able to make free decisions about their personal future, and we ought to seek to affirm that every chance we can," Patrick said.
By the way, Bay State marriages, as well as those performed in California, will also be recognized in New York, meaning marriage there can't be too far away. The fundies at the Family Research Council were so pissed that instead of an official press release they simply went up to the roof of their headquarters and launched giant blobs of rabid spittle from their catapults.
CHEERS to the return of the Jedi. Notorious, mysterious, studious and gregarious, blogger Billmon used to be a daily must-read before his Whiskey Bar blog went dark. So the blogosphere was all atwitter yesterday when he poked his head into Daily Kos to post back-to-back diaries. Unfortunately his third one was only two lines long so I had to ban him for violating the rules. But, man, it was great to see him again, wasn't it!
CHEERS to possessors of off-the-charts courage. Alexander Solzhenitsyn wrote about the horrors of Stalin's work camps at a time when to do so was---to put it mildly---a "nyet nyet." So, while we're sad he died, we're happy that he spent nearly 20 happy years here in the U.S. and returned to Russia a hero. But if I may add a bittersweet note: I got docked more points in high school and college for misspelling his name on tests and reports than I can count. Alexander Smith would've had such a nice ring to it.
JEERS to the last straw. This is getting ridiculous! Now we discover, via Pulitzer-winning journalist Ron Suskind's new book The Way of the World that, in addition to lying about aluminum tubes and the origin of the anthrax attacks and smoking guns and mushroom clouds, President Bush ordered the CIA to write a fake memo linking Saddam Hussein to 9/11 attacker Mohammed Atta. It was one of the lynchpins to his successful bid to panic America into approving war with Iraq. Which now means that absolutely everything the administration told us about the run-up to war was a bald-faced lie. In response, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid took decisive action---by buying up every single copy of Suskind's book and burning it, then kidnapping him and throwing him in the prison underneath the House chamber. Because impeachment hearings might muss up their hair.
CHEERS to playing the slut card. Mr. McCain to Mrs. McCain at a motorcycle rally in South Dakota Monday: "Honey, show 'em your tits!" That sound you hear is the religious right raising the white flag.
JEERS to botching the big rescue. About that $76 billion stimulus package that George W. Bush said would cure the sick, clothe the naked, feed the hungry and monetize the Republic: it didn’t work. Plan B---shipping the elderly off to Alaskan ice floes---won’t work either because they've all melted (the ice floes, not the elderly). So that leaves us with Plan C: Get naked and rob banks. Remember: unmarked bills only and hire a lookout you can trust.
CHEERS to a good start. I gotta admit, Friday's Olympic opening ceremonies in Beijing were pretty spectacular. But I'll take any red-blooded United States high school marching band doing pinwheels to the theme from Three's Company over China's synchronized jiu-jitsu team any day. And since they made the $300 million, 15,000-person production look that easy, I'll just assume that it was that easy. Grade: B. Memo to 2012 host London: there's only one way to top it---flying kittens.
CHEERS to Michael Phelps. The American swimmer won his 7th and 8th Olympic gold medals over the weekend, the latter in the new category of longest abdominal gravy boat. Needless to say, he's very popular at Thanksgiving.
JEERS to weekend concern trolls. It was inevitable, I suppose. On This Week, Stepford pundit Cokie Roberts criticized Barack Obama for taking a few days off in his home state of Hawaii---where he was born, went to high school, and where his grandmother still lives---because it might be perceived as "too exotic" and---say it with me---"elitist." Instead, says the Very Serious Cokie, Obama should have gone to---no kidding---Myrtle Beach. My point: Cokie wasn't wearing a flag pin. Shameful.
JEERS to gravity. Fannie Mae is still coming in for a hard landing---they lost $2.3 billion in the second quarter...three times worse than predicted. To save money the company will now be operating out of CEO Daniel Mudd's basement. If no one answers the door just use the key under the garden gnome to let yourself in. He'll be down in the basement curled up in the fetal position next to the furnace.
JEERS to making sense of it all. For those of you who are confused about the current conflict between Russia and Georgia, here's what's going on in a nutshell: A bunch of dickheads got pissed off at a bunch of other dickheads and they went running to the Big Dickhead who got all ticked off and sent a bunch of dickheads to teach the other dickheads a lesson about who the real alpha dickhead is. This caused a bunch of American Dickheads---led by Dickhead Dick and Dickhead McCain---to make a bunch of dickhead statements at the Big Dickhead and his little dickhead puppet president who warned our dickheads not to mess with his dickheads. Meanwhile, the Dickhead Decider had this to say about Big Dickhead:
"I looked the Big Dickhead in the eye. I found him to be very straight forward and trustworthy and we had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his Big Dickhead soul."
And the poor civilians who are stuck in the middle of this carnage? They get dick.
CHEERS to the new host on the block. The moment Rachel Maddow appeared on MSNBC, we all noticed she had that twinkle of mischief in her eye. Then when she started swatting down Pat Buchanan like a pesky mosquito, we knew we had a tough, razor-sharp and quick-on-her-feet progressive analyst on our hands. And when she flawlessly substitute-hosted while Keith Olbermann was off soaking in hot tubs and getting seaweed beauty wraps, the writing was on the wall: she's a rare broadcast natural for whom a TV venue was just a matter of time. So, while we should be yawning over the news, we're instead jumping up and down over the announcement of her very own primetime gig on MSNBC. And while we don’t expect the set to be decorated with pink triangles and Melissa Etheridge posters, her nightly presence will serve as yet another positive role model for the gay community. But the best part is: if you listen carefully, you'll hear the sound of Sean Hannity's sweat glands awakening from their long slumber. The powder lady in his makeup room is about to get very busy.
CHEERS to the life and times of Stephanie Tubbs Jones. The Democratic Congresswoman from Cleveland passed away at 58 after suffering a brain aneurism. For this (and many other things, like protesting voting irregularities after the 2004 election) she deserves our praise and gratitude:
Tubbs Jones compiled a solidly liberal voting record during her decade in office and was one of only 11 Democrats in the 435-member House who voted against a 2003 resolution supporting President George W. Bush and U.S. troops at the start of the Iraq war.
Since she suffered through all of Bush's insufferable State of the Unions, this seems an appropriate way to remember her. Our condolences to her family, colleagues and friends.
CHEERS to that magic moment. Last night, at the Democratic National Convention in Denver, Hillary Clinton graciously thanked her supporters, admonished the hardliners in her camp to think of "we" instead of "me," and turned the keys to the White House over to Barack Obama. Best lines: "It makes sense that George Bush and John McCain will be together next week in the Twin Cities. Because these days they're awfully hard to tell apart" and "We don’t need four more years of the last eight years." And the bumper sticker: "No way. No how. No McCain." Can you hear her now, PUMA?
CHEERS to stark contrast. During the 2004 Democratic convention, it seemed like our party's slogan was, "Let's Keep Our Powder Dry." This year it seemed to be, "You May Fire When Ready, Gridley!" Michelle was perfect. Ted was perfect. Hillary was perfect. Bill was perfect. Joe was perfect. Obama was perfect. The unity bounce was sweet. The whole thing was a platter of GOP-smashing red meat with a basket of progressive-idea fries and a side of Americana pie. And the best the wounded, shell-shocked Republicans could do was criticize the columns on the stage. Then again, when your party is made up of white, calcified stonefaces that advocate ancient ideas, I guess I can't blame 'em for taking umbrage.
JEERS to adults who prove every day they're not smarter than a fifth-grader. Steve Doocy of Fox News says Sarah Palin is a fantastic choice for vice president. He thinks she's got the chops she needs to handle foreign affairs because... Um, because... Because Russia is in her backyard. Which I guess means that if McCain wins, Steve Doocy will be a shoo-in to be appointed Ambassador to Pluto.
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September
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CHEERS and JEERS to Hurricane Gustav. As much as it wasn't as bad as expected, it didn’t exactly tiptoe into the Gulf Coast on little cat feet, either. But the big question remains: was this an act of God to disrupt the Republican convention? I don’t know, but I do know this: Gustav is a Swedish name. ABBA is from Sweden. John McCain's favorite song is "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. ABBA songs were used in "Mama Mia" starring Meryl Streep. And Meryl Streep starred in "The River Wild" with Kevin Bacon. Go ahead...tell me I'm crazy.
My Thoughts on the Republican Convention:
Republicans sure are angry people. They should take a class or something to get that under control. Or maybe just do what Jesus did: chill, man.
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Republican operatives have officially welcomed 9/11 into their bag of acceptable advertising and marketing tools. The families of the victims must be thrilled to know that the horrific deaths of their loved ones can now be used to sell stuff.
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If we lose this election it will be traced directly back to one thing: our convention didn’t have a balloon drop and theirs did.
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Sarah Palin is the new savior of the Republican party as long as she never takes a single question from a reporter ever again as long as she lives.
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I wonder if Republicans ridicule community service organizers when they need something from them, or if they just ridicule them during conventions.
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Gee, what will the "proper authorities" in Mineapolis-St. Paul do with their time now that they no longer have innocent protestors to beat the crap out of and unlawfully arrest? Go back to kicking kittens, I expect.
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I agree: John Bush is his own man. Too bad John McCain isn't.
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Wardrobe malfunction: McCain didn’t have the common decency and patriotism to wear a flag pin. But I hear his nipple medallions had eagles on them.
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Compared to this, Bob Barr's convention is gonna rock!
JEERS to more blahblahblah. Now that they've had their fill of skinny-dipping and kickball, the members of Congress---aka the most undisciplined children in America---are back in session after their summer vacation. The Republicans will shamelessly pander to their base while ignoring the needs of the other 80% of Americans, and Democrats will spend a lot of time shouting, "Dagnabbit!" as they collapse and cave and act bipartisan without reciprocation from the other side. At least it keeps 'em off the streets.
JEERS to the next bunch of pigs at the trough. Boy, it must be so sweet to be a major corporation. When things go south, you can count on taxpayers to bail you out. Wheeee! We're bailing out banks. We're bailing out investment companies. We're bailing out mortgage giants. And now the Detroit automakers want a slice of the pie:
The loan program being pushed by auto makers as Congress meets this month would be the third government intervention of private industry this year, following bailouts of Wall Street firm Bear Stearns and now Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Several auto-industry officials and congressional aides said they will emphasize differences between the proposals for the mortgage giants and the auto makers, framing the auto loans as an energy-saving program rather than a " bailout."
Uh huh. Right. If my nipples get suckled any harder they're gonna fall off.
JEERS to my little tiny pea brain. I'm just a simple caveman, so please help me understand the bombshell that dropped yesterday afternoon. If I'm reading this correctly, government officials exchanged oil for sex. Here's where I'm confused: was it canola or olive? (We can probably rule out extra-virgin, that's for sure...)
JEERS to liars in lipstick. Republican veep nominee Sarah Palin gave her first media interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson, who defied expectations and actually challenged her. (Think Progress has a summary of her biggest gaffes on national security here.) Prediction: the McCain campaign will cancel the vice presidential debate due to a "scheduling conflict." If they're smart.
CHEERS to the new kid in the Green Zone. General David "Saint" Petraeus turned over the reins to General Ray Odierno this week in Iraq:
There are a number of unresolved issues: Upcoming provincial elections could shift the political balance in Iraq. A plan for Iraq's Shiite government to take over the largely Sunni local security groups could cause sectarian rifts. And the U.S. and Iraq are negotiating a security agreement that will determine their long-term relationship.
Said Odierno: "Yeah, yeah, whatever...where's my body armor?" At least we know he understands priorities.
JEERS to trouble in the sack. A new study by clipboard-toting people in white coats shows that cell phone use can have a negative affect on your sperm. Scientists say the damage is especially pronounced when women set their boyfriends' balls on fire after they stop during sex to answer their cell phones. More study is needed.
JEERS to having AIG on our face. The Secretary of the Treasury, Henry the Cartoonishly Hulking James Bond Villain (all he needs is steel teeth), spoke on every Sunday news program, cooking show and infomercial over the weekend to allay fears of another Great Depression. His diagnosis: we're suffering from "a clog."
Paulson told ABC it was essential to prevent the financial system from clogging up, "because if it does clog up, this is going to have an adverse effect on people's abilities to get jobs, on their budgets, on their retirement savings, on lending for small businesses and so that's where the first priority has got to be."
No wonder the bailout is gonna be so expensive. We're hiring plumbers.
JEERS selling out, part 238. Well, let's see: it's been five minutes since the Democrats sucked President Bush's wiener, and---DING!---they're right on schedule:
Congressional Democrats bowed to political pressure yesterday and agreed to let the ban on offshore oil drilling expire, a decision that would allow exploration just three miles off the Atlantic and Pacific coastlines unless the next president reinstates an executive branch order that prohibits drilling.
Democrats said they gave in to White House demands rather than risk a showdown over the "continuing resolution" Congress must pass to fund the federal government through next March. ...
[Nancy] Pelosi had hoped to include alternative measures in the continuing resolution that would have allowed drilling within 50 miles of either coast if state legislatures approved, but she faced objections from the White House.
Let's see---I'm 44 now, and the offshore oil will reach my local gas station starting in 2016 when I'm 52 and a third of the people who are now screaming, "Drill, baby, drill!" will be dead. I love short-term solutions, don’t you?
YAWN to the least-best-kept secret ever. Clay Aiken is gay. Just lie there quietly, I'll fetch the smelling salts.
BWOK BWOK!! to cutting and running. John McCain says he's suspending his campaign so he can go to Washington and save the nation from ruin by gazing thoughtfully at the giant 700 Billion Dollar Taxpayer Money Pile being airlifted to Wall Street. The Republican base assumed this meant that Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin would take his place at the top of the ticket, prompting them to lose control of their bladders in a spontaneous display of 'glee pee.' Overheard yesterday at Wal-Mart Stores across the country: "Cleanup in Aisle 1, Aisle 2, Aisle 3, Aisle 4..."
CHEERS to a pleasant conversation. Barack Obama and John McCain duked it out Friday night in Oxford, Mississippi. Our verdict: McCain was lucid, if repetitive and at times grumpy. Obama was sure-footed on foreign policy and gave us hope that we may yet have a president who knows how to actually pronounce the names of countries ("EE-rahn," "EE-rahk," "PAH-kee-stahn"). And I believe this was the first debate in which there was a tussle over who had the best bracelet. Winner of the night: apparently, metrosexuals.
P.S. McCain didn’t wear an American-flag lapel pin. Where's the outrage? Oh yeah, I forgot: Democrats are the ones who have to jump through hoops to prove their patriotism. Silly me.
CHEERS to Paul Newman. No matter what character he played, I always wanted to be on his side. And given how effortlessly he seemed to juggle his acting career, his creation of the Hole in the Wall Gang camp for kids, his pro racing hobby, and his Newman's Own vittles empire, I find it hard to believe that he didn’t have a twin running around. Now he's gone at 83---another victim of f**king cancer. Our heart breaks for Joanne. On the breakfast table this morning: 50 eggs.
HOLY SHIT! to September 29, 2008. This is so fucked up---I always thought when something stopped at "777" it meant we won something. Yesterday, thanks to a 777-point drop in the Dow (and all the other markets collapsed similarly), it meant America lost $1.1 trillion in market value in seven hours. So what to do? For me, it's baby steps. Really, really easy stuff I can do without thinking: 1) Feed cat. 2) Put on socks. 3) Wipe cat food off feet. 4) Remove sock from cat's head. Okay, so maybe I'll just sit quietly and grind my teeth for awhile.
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Tomorrow: The thrilling conclusion!
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