The Devil and King George

I just discovered a priceless database called the Online Library of Liberty. It's intended to help teachers and librarians bring works on freedom into the schools.

Someone about 230 years ago decided to write this incredible satire that rings so true it soulds like the Liberty Bell. I've edited it some, and shortened it. The edits in square brackets are my few substitutions, and there are some omissions. Other than that, this is the actual text.

Not a sermon and by an author anonymous and unknown, this satirical dialogue first appeared in 1782 in Boston, was reprinted in the Frederick-Town, Maryland, Chronicle on June 27, 1787, and appeared yet a third time in Augusta, Maine, in 1797. Much in the spirit in which we have rediscovered it, the Maryland publisher said of the piece, it "just come to hand." The dialogue covers the reign of George III from his ascent to the throne in 1760 to the defeat of Cornwallis at Yorktown and the overthrow of his and the Devil’s scheme to establish the greatest tyranny in the history of the world by first enslaving the Americans and then the native Englishmen.

A Dialog Between the Devil and King George III

1760

D. I doubt not you will equal my ancient servants Nero, Caligula, Borgia, Charles, and others; but you must use great art lest a spirit of liberty should rise among the people and blast your great designs.

G. I will begin with [Iraq, and then Iran]. The idea of enslaving them to the power of [my Administration], and make them tributary to [America], suits the pride and avarice of [the oil companies.] when this [is] done, the way will be open.

G.  Now the wheels begin to move—the torrent of blood is rapid: I trust you will never again have cause to lash my delays. In time past my counsels have been divided; & that timid goose of a [former commanding general] has been dilatory: But I have sent Howe, Burgoyne and Clinton to assist him, and push things: Howe is a true blood-hound; Burgoyne is ambitious as Lucifer, and would kill his father for promotion; and Clinton is obedient to his master as a shepherd’s dog. (I couldn't resist leaving this the way it was, even though it doesn't fit the edited version.)

1776

D.  You now begin to do something: But you in your speeches, and your generals in their proclamations, tell too many lies, and commit too many horrid acts of barbarity, for the success of your cause; in these you run too fast; they strike mankind with horror, and unite them against you—there is not a character in Tophet stinks (above ground) worse than yours.

G. You told me to make short work, and I said I had a heart for it: accordingly by perjury and lies, fire and sword, by the gallows & dungeons, freezing and starving, I have been subduing the rebels, and hope to finish the work in [Iraq] soon; for I want to begin with my subjects at home.

1777

D. Where [are your generals? They're bottled up, accomplishing nothing.]  Damn’d work, you’ll stink in hell George!

G. We are all in tears, but what can I do more? I sent fleets and armies, which all my ministers swore were more than sufficient to lay [Iraq] prostrate at my feet.

D. Instead of showing the spirit of a lion, you have the head of a goat and the heart of a sheep; and if you don’t pursue your plan until the work is complete, by the ghost of Nero, I hope the [public] will play [Nixon] with you. If you fail, what a deform’d mongrel puppy you will appear to all the world; neither generosity and benevolence to gratify your people, nor art and spirit enough to make yourself a tyrant—poor dog! you’ll be the scorn of the world, and the derision hell.

G. I wish I had not begun, but there is no retreat. I’ll move every wheel to increase my force by sea and land; I will send commissioners with great promises (which I can easily break when the business is done) and large bribes, and partly by art and partly by force, I may yet succeed. I know my crown will sit uneasy and my life be wretched after this, unless I gain my point.