Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Late Night Snark builds a strong gallbladder (I have no idea how, but JAMA swears it's true)

"Today, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for mistakenly saying that Iran was sending aid to al Qaeda in Iraq, which is not true. And afterwards, President Bush told McCain, 'Don't worry about it. I didn't know that either.'"
---Jay Leno
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"Vice President Dick Cheney also paid a surprise visit to Iraq. And Cheney is very popular in the Middle East. I mean, he flashes them that nice, warm sneer and they just go crazy. In that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia."
---David Letterman
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"Barack is qualified. Personally, I wanna know what qualifies Hillary Clinton to be the next president. Is it because she was married to the president?  If that were the case then Robin Givens would be the heavyweight champion of the world."
---Tracy Morgan on SNL
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"Are you getting a little more excited about the presidential race now? ... Remember when it was 140 people running for president and you didn't know who they were? Now we're down to three. And the latest is Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain. They've all been arguing, claiming that they're the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3am. McCain said, 'I'm the most qualified, because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway.'"
---Conan O'Brien
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"This week, on the liberal website Daily Kos, a civil war has broken out. Clinton bloggers are...protesting what they feel is an abusively pro-Obama environment. Apparently, they were getting the crap hoped out of them. I read all 1,258 angry comments. Folks, I love when Democrats spend all their time in anonymous Internet feuds. Anything to keep them off the 'Casual Encounters' section on Craigslist."
---Stephen Colbert
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More here.

Ding Dong the week is dead! Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 21, 2008

Note: You are a thief and a traitor!  No, wait...that's Gladys in my jazzercise class.  Never mind.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2008 general election: 228
Days 'til Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Non-Existent Florida and Michigan Do-overs: 63
Number of delegates at stake in the Pennsylvania primary: 158
Maine's foreclosure rate for the 4th quarter of 1992 (the low point of the 1990s recession): 1.6%
Maine's foreclosure rate for the 4th quarter of 2007, a state record: 2.36%
(Source: Maine Sunday Telegram)
Percent of study subjects who reported relief after being given a placebo described as a newly-approved prescription pain reliever priced at 10 cents per dose: 61%
Percent who reported relief when they were told that the pills were $2.50 per dose: 85%
(Source: JAMA via The New York Times)
Size of the average pothole in Maine: 2 feet wide, 6 feet deep

And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,201
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  Time to say Gracie.

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CHEERS to the Best Political Team on Television (Hint: it ain't CNN).  Last night Keith Olbermann, aided by Howard Fineman, Pete Williams, Andrea Mitchell (speaking via phone from a plane) and David Shuster spent a commercial-free hour sticking to Passportgate like glue.  Watching them collectively put the scandal together brick-by-brick was a thing of beauty.  Here's what we learned, in the order we learned it:

There was a breach of a presidential candidate Barack Obama's passport file in the State Department.
The Obama campaign is livid.
Two employees were fired, one was disciplined.
The breach happened in January.
But the Obama campaign was only notified about it today.
No, wait, there were three breaches.
In January, February and March.
But the Obama campaign was only notified about it today.
Oh, and the State Department's Inspector General never did an investigation.
Because there is no Inspector General at the moment.
The senior muckety mucks at the State Department didn’t know about it, either.
But it wasn't politically-motivated and everything's fine.
Really, take our word for it.  We're the Bush administration and we invented the word "competence."
You're all traitors for even daring to suggest otherwise.
Besides, Obama thought he needed to get his passport stamped at all the "countries" at Epcot Center.  So, really, who looks silly now?

Meanwhile Condi Rice called Obama to apologize, saying: "Y'know, I have piano practice, and laundry, and I'm dating now, and I have all this paperwork, and of course the president is like, 'Hey! Another three hours on the stationary bike, let's go!' My life is tough too, y'know."  So, all's well that ends well.  (But let's start that independent investigation anyway.)

P.S. Clinton and McCain's passport files were breached, too.  Condi: resign.

JEERS to crude words.  Dick Cheney talked about oil today with the Saudi Arabian king.  To prevent a repeat of the embarrassing mishap the last time they discussed the subject, the vice president wore a condom.

CHEERS to the registered rabble.  One of the amazing (and underreported) stories of the primary season has been the stratospheric numbers of Democrats who are participating.  Pennsylvania---which makes its mark in 32 days---is no exception:

Since last fall's election, statewide Democratic enrollment has swelled by more than 111,000---an increase of about 3 percent in less than six months that state elections Commissioner Harry VanSickle said is apparently unprecedented. With days to go, Democratic registration is barely 5,000 votes shy of a record 4 million.

I'll say it again: the so-called McCain "surge" is bullshit.  This year Democrats have overwhelming cash, overwhelming energy, overwhelming ideas, and overwhelming numbers.  We can absolutely afford to let the primary season play out because it will take about 30 seconds to brand the other team as the incompetent nincompoops they are.  Okay, so I woke up on the right side of the bed today...sue me.

P.S. Obama's on the air in PA.  We approve this message.

CHEERS to transparency.  Hillary Clinton's White House doings were revealed this week when the National Archives (motto: "We stick it where the sun don't shine") released 11,000 pages of her schedule as First Lady.  I'll let you guess which day this is from:

6:00  Wake up, breakfast
7:00  Meeting
7:25  Pee
7:35  Meeting
8:15  Pee
8:20  Photo op with Girl Scouts
8:30  Yogurt break
8:52  Unscheduled briefing
9:00  Claw husband's eyes out
9:03  Render husband's penis inoperative
9:05  Pee
9:10  Motorcade to senior center for photo op

I get chills when history comes alive.

CHEERS to talking heads.  Josh Marshall at TPM is one of the most intelligent, level-headed and gosh-darn likable bloggers in Bloggerland.  If you're not clicking on his weekly must-watch election recaps, then I suspect you're the kind of person who goes to nursing homes and short-sheets the beds.  Here's his latest.  By the way, no need to go to the Ruddy Pines Nursing Home in Falmouth.  I did their beds this morning.

JEERS to Mother Nature: vindictive asshole.  I can't believe it.  Just because humankind totally fucks up the world's oceans, rivers, streams, mountains, valleys, air, icecaps and skies, little Miss Priss responds with tornadoes in downtown Atlanta, biblical-size floods in the Midwest, and a blizzard in Maine on the second day of spring.  This is war, baby.  Quick, Robin...to the Hummermobile!

JEERS to sleeping at the switch.  Oh, boo hoo.  General Motors' Vice-Admiral in Charge of Cluelessness finally admitted that not making a hybrid vehicle sooner was a mistake that led to a spectacular implosion of the company, costing countless employees their jobs and jeopardizing thousands more.  So can we assume that means they'll bring back that fantastic electric car that everyone loved, but which the company recalled and destroyed a few years back for absolutely no reason except deference to Big Oil?

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Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man.

Bill in Portland Maine asks the Vice Admiral in Charge of Cluelessness at General Motors: Can we assume that means they'll bring back that fantastic electric car that everyone loved, but which the company recalled and destroyed a few years back for absolutely no reason except deference to Big Oil?

No.

Now back to Cheers and Jeers...

Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

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CHEERS to Easter Sunday.  It's the day Christ the Savior rose from the dead.  It's also the day Lenny the tomb attendant checked into rehab.

JEERS to disengaging brain before opening mouth.  I kinda feel sorry for former PFC Lynndie England, who became the public face of the Abu Ghraib scandal when those photos were published showing her "holding a naked prisoner on a leash, while in others she posed with a pyramid of naked detainees and pointed at the genitals of a prisoner while a cigarette hung from the corner of her mouth."  Like many others serving in Iraq, her moral compass got so screwed up that she became the very thing she was fighting against.  And in a new interview, instead of placing the blame where it belongs, she says it's all the media's fault.  Lynndie, dear, please take a tip from the late, great Molly Ivins: "The first rule of holes: when you're in one, stop digging."

CHEERS to climbing off the fence.  Bill Richardson---a former member of the Clinton administration---endorsed Barack Obama for president today, calling him " the kind of once-in-a-lifetime leader that can bring our nation together and restore America's moral leadership in the world."  Spoken like a true Secretary of State to-be.  (We hope.)

CHEERS to throwing the bum out.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  Scooter Libby got disbarred yesterday, and there's not a goddam thing President Bush can do about it.  Wait a minute...  I've just been informed that Congress has granted President Bush an authorization for the Use of Force against the U.S. Court of Appeals.  Film at 11.

JEERS to how far we've fallen.  On March 21, 1790, Thomas Jefferson reported to President Washington as America's first Secretary of State.  Today Condi Rice reports to President George W. Bush as Secretary of State.  Still waiting for the punchline?  That was the punchline.

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One Year Ago in C&J:  March 21, 2007...

CHEERS to swingers.  In Iraq they hanged another one of Saddam's goons (let's not forget these are truly evil people).  I hope they followed the checklist:

1. No unruly mobs...Check

2. No phone-cams...Check

3. Head still attached...Check

Nicely done.  Welcome to the 18th century.

CHEERS to orange-tinted milestones.  Ding Ding Ding!!  Kossack #120,000 registered this week, officially giving DailyKos the ability to invade any medium-sized country (assuming it's very poorly armed).  Meanwhile the latest registrant (#120,040) is "Public Citizen."  Here's yer Swiffer™.  Get busy.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to a tiny pang of conscience.  Wow, mark it on your calendar: this morning not one but two Fox News hosts tried to be f...f...fair and b...b...balanced toward Barack Obama.  Toss a nitroglycerin tablet under your tongue and take a gander if you think your heart can take it.  Congratulations, you two.  You've officially entered Bill O'Reilly's "Pantheon of Satan's Spawn."

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Have a great Easter weekend.  Try not to run over the Cadbury Bunny (or its surrogates).  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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