Look at Me! Hey, A**holes, LOOK AT ME!

Hey, over here!  You!  With the fanny pack and the Yankees hat!  Yeah, hey, check me out!  I'm not going to vote for Obama if he gets the nomination!  That's right, I'm super-badass like that!  Oh, and let me tell you why.  It's because I have reasons.  SO MANY REASONS!

First of all, this is NOT ABOUT ME!  Ok, well it is about me, but let me start by saying that it's not about me but rather, uh, it's about THE COUNTRY!  Yeah!  That's why I'm YELLING SO LOUDLY - because what I'm saying is SO important!  This is about the future of our country!  And because I'm not entirely sure if Obama is the right candidate for the job, I've decided - six months before the election - that there is no way I can vote for him.  Man, I hate that guy!

Look, I've spent my life working for the things I believe in.  I've done some things I'm ashamed of.  I've broken the law.  I've broken hearts.  But I did them all because I believe so passionately - SO GODDAMNED PASSIONATELY - in the things that are important to the health, security, and well-being of this nation.  The things that REAL DEMOCRATS believe in.  No unjust wars.  A woman's right to choose.  A more equitable society.  A more just society.

And obviously you can see that that's why I'm supporting ANYBODY BUT OBAMA in November.

Not only that, but listen to me - DON'T WALK AWAY FROM ME, BUDDY! - I've been involved in local politics.  That's right.  I've mailed stuff to people.  I've LICKED ENVELOPES for goddsakes!  So don't tell me I don't know what it's like to be President of the United States.  I know EXACTLY what it takes to do that job well.  Hell, I'm an old hand here in the Democratic Party.  And that's why I am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that Barack Obama isn't up for the job (Ralph Nader is, though, and that's probably why I'll vote for him).

Sure, Obama talks a good game.  But what exactly has he done?  Do you have an answer for that, smart guy?  And don't start with all those bills he passed in the Senate - you know that he didn't write those, right?  I READ THAT SOMEWHERE ON THE INTERNET.

No, see, the problem here is that I AM RIGHT.  I am, in fact, always right.  I would rather poke my own eyes out than - heaven forbid - be wrong.  No, friend, the problem here is that I chose the RIGHT CANDIDATE, and all of you assholes chose the WRONG CANDIDATE.  And the people who chose the candidate that I didn't like need to BE PUNISHED.

That's right, Sherlock.  Congratulations, you figured it out.  This isn't about the well-being of the country at all.  This is about me PUNISHING people that made a DECISION that I thought was WRONG.

Because in my world, in my insular little talk-radio, treat-me-like-a-king fishbowl of my own making, people who disagree with me are NEVER RIGHT.  And when they call into my show, I cut them off.  And that's what I'm doing here.

All you assholes who voted for Obama - I'm disconnecting the line.  HE WON'T GET MY VOTE.

This isn't about the future of the country.  I could give a shit if some woman has to get a back-alley abortion with a rusty coat-hanger or if some shit-for-brains kid in West Virginia gets his head blown off in a skirmish in Fallujah.  You think I give a shit about OTHER PEOPLE?  If I gave a shit about other people I would probably vote for Obama.  But if I did that, how would I PUNISH the people who I think are WRONG?

Look, I'm a REGIONALLY SYNDICATED radio talk show host.  And at the end of the day, this election is about me, and my decisions, because everything in the entire world is about ME and MY DECISIONS.  That's why I became a regionally syndicated talk show host in the first place.  And this election is about one thing - the degree to which my self-righteous piety can expand without reaching the level of farce.

Wait, HEY, DUDE, COME BACK!  I haven't shown you my myspace page yet!

FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!

I'M STILL NOT VOTING FOR OBAMA!

Hey, you, in the red jacket, come over here, I need to TELL YOU SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT...