Cheers and Jeers: Thursday

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

(Applause)

Bit of an energy crunch we're in, ain’t it? I was pondering how we got caught so seemingly flat-footed, so I went back and revisited President Bush's State of the Union speeches to see if there was a way we could've avoided this mess. (He said nothing about energy in either his 2001 or 2005 inaugural addresses.) Turns out he was quite the visionary:

2002:  "Good jobs also depend on reliable and affordable energy. This Congress must act to encourage conservation, promote technology, build infrastructure, and it must act to increase energy production at home so America is less dependent on foreign oil."  (Applause.)
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2003: "Our third goal is to promote energy independence for our country, while dramatically improving the environment. (Applause.) I have sent you a comprehensive energy plan to promote energy efficiency and conservation, to develop cleaner technology, and to produce more energy at home." (Applause.) ...
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2004: "Consumers and businesses need reliable supplies of energy to make our economy run---so I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy." (Applause.)
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2006: "Keeping America competitive requires affordable energy. And here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world. The best way to break this addiction is through technology. Since 2001, we have spent nearly $10 billion [Less than the cost of waging the Iraq war for one month. --BiPM] to develop cleaner, cheaper, and more reliable alternative energy sources---and we are on the threshold of incredible advances. (Applause.)
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2007: "For too long our nation has been dependent on foreign oil. ... It's in our vital interest to diversify America's energy supply---the way forward is through technology. We must continue changing the way America generates electric power, by even greater use of clean coal technology, solar and wind energy, and clean, safe nuclear power. (Applause.) We need to press on with battery research for plug-in and hybrid vehicles, and expand the use of clean diesel vehicles and biodiesel fuel. (Applause.) We must continue investing in new methods of producing ethanol -- (applause) -- using everything from wood chips to grasses, to agricultural wastes.
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2008: "Our security, our prosperity, and our environment all require reducing our dependence on oil. ... Together we should take the next steps: Let us fund new technologies that can generate coal power while capturing carbon emissions. (Applause.) Let us increase the use of renewable power and emissions-free nuclear power. (Applause.) Let us continue investing in advanced battery technology and renewable fuels to power the cars and trucks of the future. (Applause.)

Now he's down to his last five months---goals unmet and promises broken---and the best he can do as he sleeps through the rest of his term is this:

"And so we discussed a variety of strategies about how to affect the supply of oil, and one way that we can affect the supply of oil is to increase access to offshore exploration on the Outer Continental Shelf. ... Once they solve this problem, they can allow us to drill in northern Alaska."

Great president...or Greatest President Ever?

P.S. Congressional Dems, if you're gonna collapse on drilling, at least try to collapse intelligently. I know, I know...probably too much to ask.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 21, 2008

Note: About the pecan pie special in the C&J cafeteria yesterday: our thanks to Kossack Playswithnitroglycerin for pointing out that pecans don’t usually jump off the plate and eat your face.  C&J regrets the loss of the entire city's population (except for those of us who made it to the safe room in time), and thanks local law enforcement for bringing the mutant outbreak to a moderately speedy resolution.  Sorry, no refunds.

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By the Numbers:
Days `til Ramadan: 11
Days `til the Crown of Maine Balloon Festival in Presque Isle: 1
Percent of Americans who know that Condoleezza Rice is Secretary of State: 42%
Percent who know the Democrats are the majority party in the House: 53%
(Source: Pew Survey)
Hours of sleep that Calvin Coolidge required every night: 10
The last year the Democratic National Convention was held in Denver: 1908
(Source: The Nation)
Days of sunshine Denver gets per year: 300 (more than San Diego or Miami Beach, so nyah nyah nyah!))

U.S. Olympic gold medal count: 27

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

I am not anti-gun. I'm pro-knife.  Consider the merits of the knife.  In the first place, you have to catch up with someone in order to stab him.  A general substitution of knives for guns would promote physical fitness. We'd turn into a whole nation of great runners.  Plus, knives don't ricochet. And people are seldom killed while cleaning their knives.

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  I knew it!

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CHEERS to the life and times of Stephanie Tubbs Jones.  After conflicting reports of her status, it was confirmed yesterday that the Democratic Congresswoman from Cleveland passed away at 58 after suffering a brain aneurism.  For this (and many other things, like protesting voting irregularities after the 2004 election) she deserves our praise and gratitude:

Tubbs Jones compiled a solidly liberal voting record during her decade in office and was one of only 11 Democrats in the 435-member House who voted against a 2003 resolution supporting President George W. Bush and U.S. troops at the start of the Iraq war.

And since our intro had to do with Bush's insufferable State of the Unions, this seems an appropriate way to remember her.  Our condolences to her family, colleagues and friends.

JEERS to Cindy McPantsonfire.  For years John McCain's wife---the current one, not the one he cheated on and was married to even after he got a marriage license for this one (it's kind of a long story)---misled our nation into thinking that Mother Theresa had, in 1991, "implored" her to bring a couple orphans home, one of whom is now her daughter.  It now turns out she (Cindy, not Mother) lied like a rug, and the campaign has erased all mentions of the bogus story.  But thanks to the miracle of the cached web page, you can still relive that special non-moment.  Need a hanky?

CHEERS to an early Christmas present.  Wow---FCC chairman Kevin Martin says broadband internet access should be FREE for anyone in America who wants it:

The way Martin sees it, broadband is quickly becoming what copper phone lines were for decades: the main means of communication for millions of Americans.

As people turn to the Internet for work, play, telemedicine, education and more, Martin says, it's incumbent on U.S. regulators to make sure no one gets left behind.  Ditto for cutting-edge wireless technologies, which have the ability to deliver a circus of advanced new services, including the mobile Web.

Consumers living in rural areas are one of Martin's biggest concerns.  In these areas, he says, dial-up and satellite-based Internet still rule.  Owing to technical limitations, they don't offer enough speed to handle advanced, interactive services.

He added: "Plus, have you ever tried to download porn with dialup?  You get just above the chick's titties and then it stops loading.  So you hit refresh and the same damn things happens, and I'm sorry but titties are part of the package, y'know?  Why's everyone staring at me?  Like it's never happened to you."  How can you not appreciate a guy who does his homework?

JEERS to shooting the messenger.  After speaking up about the military's incompetence at winning the War on Mold ("The spores are in their last throes!") in wounded soldiers' quarters at Oklahoma's Fort Sill, the social services coordinator who spilled the beans was summarily kicked out.  But a colonel at the base, apparently having left his conscience in his duffle bag, lied by claiming the timing of Chuck Roeder's ouster was just an itty bitty coincidence.  But here's the real scary part: Fort Sill houses 142 wounded soldiers.  But USA Today reports that "there are about 12,000 soldiers in such units nationwide."  Wild guess here: they ain't Club Med.

CHEERS to securing macadamia nuts for the homeland.  On August 21, 1959, President Eisenhower signed an executive order proclaiming a foreign, exotic, and elitist island chain as our 50th state: Hawaii.  Or as Cokie Roberts calls it: Not Myrtle Beach.

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Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

And now an important message from Senator Joe Biden:

"A successful dump!"

Now back to Cheers and Jeers.

Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

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CHEERS to cheap eats.  With food prices forcing more and more Americans to switch to dirt casserole and ragweed stew, here in Maine we're stuffing ourselves to the gills with the cheapest lobster in eons.  Just for fun I like to sneak up behind out-of-staters in restaurants and whisper, "Can you hear the lobsters screaming, Agent Starling?"  Getting thrown through a window ain't so bad once you learn how to roll on impact.

CHEERS to message discipline on steroids.  Make no bones about it: I despise the modern-day Republican machine.  But, gee whiz Beav', sometimes ya gotta step back and just admire how they march in lockstep.  Take the Russo-Georgia War, for example.  I mean, what kind of Iraq War-loving flag-waver would look at that week-old conflict and then---with a straight face---condemn Russia for its "willingness to act militarily against a sovereign nation?"  Oh...how about George Bush, John McCain, Joe Lieberman, Condi Rice, Dick Cheney, the talk radio crowd, the Fox News gaggle...and now Mitt Romney's in on the act.  It's like pulling your pants down, sitting on a high-speed copier, and making a million copies.  It's hard to keep up with all the assholes.  Damn, they're good.

CHEERS to a pleasant discussion.  On August 21, 1858, the first of the famous debates between Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas took place.  They were going toe-to-toe in a battle for a U.S. Senate seat.  Here's a sample exchange:

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah  blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah  blah blah blah..."

"Good Christ, man, don't you ever shut up?"

Ha Ha!  Just kidding!  Here's how it really worked: the two men beat each other with sticks until one was left standing.  Sucks that Lincoln had such a high center of gravity.

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One Year Ago in C&J: August 21, 2007:

JEERS to the worst Democrats in the World.  couple 'o crazy Aszes in Iowa:

"Hillary can go to hell," said Alice Aszman, 66, a Democrat from Ottumwa.  "I'll never vote for her.  I don't think a woman should be president.  I think a man should.  They've got more authority."  Her husband, Daniel, 50, also a Democrat, agreed: "I think women should stay home instead of being boss."

When asked why he violated his own rule by allowing his wife to come to the Iowa State Fair, Mr. Aszman shrugged, placed the bit in his mouth and, to Mrs. Aszman's cries of "H'yah!!!", pulled the Aszman carriage back to the homestead at a full gallop.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to the new kid on the teevee.  If you want some more background info about Rachel Maddow as she prepares to host her own show on MSNBC, here ya go.  Some interesting factoids:

>> She doesn't own a TV
>> Her dad was a captain in the Air Force during the Vietnam War
>> She once held a job cleaning buckets for a baked bean factory
>> During her first radio gig she sometimes had to put on a calculator costume and make appearances at a car dealership
>> She got her Bachelor's degree at Stanford and her doctorate at Oxford on a Rhodes Scholarship
>> She's a "defense policy wonk"
>> Fox News tried to book her once...to talk about the critical issue of the Madonna/Britney Spears kiss at the MTV Video Music Awards.

Oh, and she's also an Aries which, according to The Wikipedia, means she's "assertive, brave, energetic, kind, action-oriented, intelligent, individualistic, independent, impulsive, full of strength, competitive, eager, straightforward, forceful, headstrong, pioneering, a leader, focused on the present and freedom-loving, and an expert in kicking Pat Buchanan in the balls."  Scary accurate.

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Okay, that's all I got.  I think I may spend the rest of the morning doing this.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

The summer is in its final stretch, and after Labor Day weekend, you’d think you could say goodbye to overpopulated Cheers and Jeers until Thanksgiving.  Take it from me, you can’t.  In fact, the opposite will probably be true.
----James Wysong
Tripso

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