Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 24, 2008
"Save C&J" Update: Many thanks if you made a donation yesterday to keep C&J running for another year. (Details here). Subtracting existing recurring monthly donations and anticipated snail-mail donations, our goal is to raise $15,000. Yesterday you helped make a nice dent in that figure with roughly $2,400---Thank You! But we've got a ways to go. Here are the options Kos set up a year ago:
To send a check via snail mail, the address is: Bill Harnsberger, 16 Pitt Street, Portland, ME, 04103.
Hopefully we can hit the goal by Friday and I can stop pestering you for an entire year. (Let's see PBS make that promise!) But only donate if you're able to do so without losing one of your eight houses. I remain your shnockered humble servant.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Biden/Palin debate: 8
Days `til the Maine Oyster Fest in York: 18
Percent of the U.S. labor force that is made up of Hispanics: 14%
Percent of the American workforce downshifted from full- to part-time employment in the last 12 months who are Hispanic: 33%
(Source: Labor Dept. via The Week)
Number of Fortune 500 companies Sarah Palin is not qualified to run, according to McCain adviser Carly Fiorina: 500
Number of times John McCain specifically criticized earmarks requested by Sarah Palin when she was mayor of Wasilla, citing them as examples of wasteful spending: 3
(Source: Dan Kurtzman's Sarah Palin, By the Numbers)
Number of 25-cent gumballs $700 billion will buy: 2.8 trillion
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 164 (including 4 massive government bailouts and 1 music video that will make your ears bleed). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Walking billboard
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CHEERS to baby steps. I was watching the Senate's dog and pony Paulson show on the teevee yesterday morning, and Chuck Schumer had an interesting idea: why don’t we test the lying, cheating, incompetent Treasury chief's bailout plan on a slightly smaller scale---say, with $150 billion at first? It would let us see how the plan works (or not) and give us a chance to re-adjust it in January. Besides, there's no way we'll be spending $700 billion before Obama takes office, so why not start modestly? Paulson responded: "Nah." Oh. Okay, then. Sorry to interrupt.
JEERS to The Way It Works In Washington. Based on what I've been seeing this week it goes something like this: Lobbyists lay out a few million dollars in exchange for wielding enormous influence on the decisions Congress makes. American taxpayers, on the other hand, can lay out $700 billion and we have virtually no idea what, if any, influence we'll have on the decisions Congress makes. We can't join them in their offices, do a little wink-wink nudge-nudge act, shake their hand and say, "Deal!" It's not fair. I plan to write a letter. And this time no little hearts over the i's.
CHEERS to little riddles. Q: How do you know when something---like, say a massive government bailout of Wall Street---is bad? A: Because Dick Cheney is out stumping for it. Cue the laugh track.
JEERS to non-specificity. The idea was noble but flawed: on September 24, 1789, Congress passed the Judiciary Act that provided for an Attorney General and a Supreme Court. Too bad they left out the crucial adjective: "competent."
JEERS to not-so-fond-farewells. Yesterday President el Ducko Lame-o George Bush traveled to the United Nations to show his disdain for the organization one last time. Among other things, he said that rainbow-powered chariots would soon deliver bags of gold coins to all the peoples of all the lands, courtesy of the American taxpayer. And I got to thinking: the president of the United States will talk to the U.N. about the bailout, but he won’t talk to us? Lucky us.
CHEERS to the adventures of Miss Concheneyality. Yesterday Sarah Palin was stuck to the United Nations like Elmer's Moose Glue. The press coverage of her mingling with world leaders---all 40 seconds of it---was impressive. And her mastery of expertise-by-osmosis was breathtaking. Take a seat next to Hamid Karzai and, BAM!, she's an Afghanistanologist. Play kissy-face with Henry Kissinger and, ZOWIE!, she's an expert at killing countless innocent civilians and babysitting Richard Nixon as he talks to the presidential portraits. Breath in the essence of Colombian President Alvaro Uribe and, FLIBBIDEEFLOO! she's the Queen of Coffee...or is that blow? Each of the leaders came away very impressed. After all, it's not every day you get to meet the first vice presidential candidate in history who can do the splits.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Politico asks: What if the bailout plan doesn’t work?
Cry.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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JEERS selling out, part 238. Well, let's see: it's been five minutes since the Democrats sucked President Bush's wiener, and---DING!---they're right on schedule:
Congressional Democrats bowed to political pressure yesterday and agreed to let the ban on offshore oil drilling expire, a decision that would allow exploration just three miles off the Atlantic and Pacific coastlines unless the next president reinstates an executive branch order that prohibits drilling.
Democrats said they gave in to White House demands rather than risk a showdown over the "continuing resolution" Congress must pass to fund the federal government through next March. ...
[Nancy] Pelosi had hoped to include alternative measures in the continuing resolution that would have allowed drilling within 50 miles of either coast if state legislatures approved, but she faced objections from the White House.
Let's see---I'm 44 now, and the offshore oil will reach my local gas station starting in 2016 when I'm 52 and a third of the people who are now screaming, "Drill, baby, drill!" will be dead. I love short-term solutions, don’t you?
CHEERS to the Environment President. On this date in 1906, Theodore Roosevelt signed a bill designating Devils Tower---that kewl rock formation---as the country's first National Monument. Enjoy it while you can; Republicans think there's oil under it.
YAWN to the least-best-kept secret ever. Clay Aiken is gay. Just lie there quietly, I'll fetch the smelling salts.
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One Year Ago in C&J: September 24, 2007...
JEERS to getting your panties in a twist. Somebody (probably Osama, since he's still at large) has been smuggling unauthorized underwear to the prisoners at Gitmo. Fortunately, a Bush is on the case:
The discovery that two Guantanamo detainees were wearing unauthorized underwear---Under Armour briefs and a Speedo bathing suit---has apparently triggered a full U.S. Navy investigation. ... A U.S. military spokesman, Army Lt. Col. Ed Bush, told the Associated Press earlier this month the investigation was no laughing matter.
"There is no room for error when working in a dangerous environment, and constant vigilance is of the utmost importance," Bush told the AP.
Yes, because they could use them to jimmy the lock, strangle the guards, hop the barb-wire fence, fashion a boat out of Dacron while using the elastic waistband like a rubber band to power a propeller made of driftwood, float over to Africa, hitchhike to Iraq, and fight us over there so they don’t have to fight us over here. Whew...that was a close one.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to America's new online pooper scooper. As of this morning, there's $438,520,207,954 (and 49 cents) worth of ordinary Americans' crap collected at Buy My Shit Pile, Henry!, just waiting for that magic moment when our Treasury Director announces he'll pay us 50 cents on the dollar for it. Clap louder, people. I think he's close to caving.
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Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"We would be in a better situation, or at least the Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson would if this were known as 'Cheers and Jeers' rather than a 'bailout.' 'Bailout' sounds terrible. Who is for a bailout? A lot of people are for Cheers and Jeers.
---Fred Barnes
9/22/08
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