Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Welcome to Osmosis University!

Last week the Republican party rolled out a line of logic that instantly raised America's IQ by several points. Fox News's Steve Doocy and John McCain's wife, Cindy, explain...

Mr. Doocy:  "But the other thing about [Sarah Palin], she does know about international relations because she is right up there in Alaska right next door to Russia."

Mrs. McCain: "You know, the experience that she comes from is what she’s done in government, and remember, Alaska is the closest part of our continent to Russia."

We all know Republicans can say some pretty crazy things, so I decided to test their theory of Proximity/Absorption Intelligence Design. Turns out they're right!

Maine borders Canada, so I'm a foreign policy expert.

The Atlantic Ocean laps at the Maine coast, so I'm now a marine biologist and a Coast Guard Admiral.

I live next to a Burger King, so I'm a Chef de Cuisine.

I live next to the Dollar Store, so I'm qualified to chair the Federal Reserve.

An old lady lives next door, so I'm president of the AARP.

I live "next to" the moon, so I'm a NASA rocket scientist and an astronaut.

I live close to a church, so I'm the Pope. (Okay, a Pope)

There's a parking lot across the street, so I'm in line to be the next Secretary of Transportation.

I am a high-priced prostitute and there are...um...actually, there are no high-priced prostitutes anywhere near me.

Okay, so it's not a perfect theory. But thanks to the Republican party's out-of-their-gourd-the-box thinking, my resume is now ten pages long---with virtually no fluff!

What, or who, do you live next to, my little geniuses?

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday September 3, 2008

Note: Matt Damon---get an exorcism now.  You're freakin' us out!

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the general election: 62
Days `til Great State of Maine Air Show starring the Blue Angels: 3
Average amount spent lobbying Congress last year for each day it was in session: $16,279,069
(Source: Harper's Index)
Percent chance that Montreal and Riga, Latvia occupy the "Boardwalk" and "Park Place" spots on the new global edition of Monopoly: 100%
(Source: USA Today)
Year that Sarah Palin got her first passport: 2007
(Source: Think Progress)
Alaska's population as of 2006: 670,053
(Source: why, Classbrain.com, of course)
Amount lost in worker productivity due to fantasy football league activity during the NFL season: $9.2 billion
(Source: Portland Press Herald)

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 161 (including 3 marks of the beast and 1 case of premature ascension).  Soul Protection Factor 6 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.  

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Impasse

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CHEERS to September.  Congress straggles back to work after a month off.  The kids are back in school.  9/11 turns seven (as if it needs to be said, that is not included in the cheer).  Shoppers jam stores looking for the perfect Ramadan, Rosh Hashanah and Mexican Independence Day gifts.  ("Another tie? You shouldn’t have!")  Democrats and Republicans clash like shoppers at a Filene's Basement bridal sale.  New England gets insanely beautiful as summer turns to fall.  And I feel confident enough to make the following prediction: John McCain will turn petty and vindictive.  Just a hunch.

CHEERS and JEERS to Gustav.  As much as it wasn't as bad as expected, it didn’t exactly tiptoe into the Gulf Coast on little cat feet, either.  But the big question remains: was this an act of God to disrupt the Republican convention?  I don’t know, but I do know this: Gustav is a Swedish name.  ABBA is from Sweden.  John McCain's favorite song is "Dancing Queen" by ABBA.  ABBA songs were used in "Mama Mia" starring Meryl Streep.  And Meryl Streep starred in "The River Wild" with Kevin Bacon.  History will be the final judge.  A harsh one, I expect.

SHRUG to the worst convention ever.  Watching CNN and MSNBC yesterday, I almost felt sorry for the talking heads who look like they're pearl-diving in an ocean of shit.  They'll try and put a happy spin on the affair, but Jack Cafferty pretty much sums up the atmosphere:

For four days, they will labor under the illusion their party is still relevant. It's not.  It is entirely fitting that the headliner for this masquerade is a feeble looking 72-year-old white guy who doesn't know how many homes he owns. ...

Republicans stand to be turned out of office at every level---from the U.S. Congress to governors' mansions and state legislatures.  Republicans who remain in office will be rendered impotent by their shrinking numbers.

Republicans under George W. Bush have done a lot of damage to this country in the last eight years---but they have done more damage to themselves.  It will take a good long while and a great deal of soul searching before their brand returns to the shelves in good standing.  Don't look for it to happen in St. Paul, Minnesota.  This week, Republicans will be happy in the land of make believe.

Which reminds me: there's been a small change in tonight's schedule.  Instead of Rod Parsley, tonight's benediction will be delivered by Tinkerbell McUnicorn.

P.S.  Even though they had no choice in the matter, we can't help but appreciate how the Republicans handled Day 1 by focusing on hurricane relief.  But c'mon...using Dick Cheney to plug a hole in the dike was just a stunt to score cheap points with Americans who have a pulse.  But nice try.

CHEERS to the happiest ending...evuh!  On September 3, 1783, our War of Independence ended when a treaty was signed by Great Britain and the United States.  Afterward, the founding fathers got together in a circle, held hands, and recited the Pledge of Allegiance.  And then Jesus rode in on a dinosaur with news he had just finished digging the Grand Canyon.  The things you learn on Conservapedia...

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Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man.  Kossack FleetAdmiralJ asks:  Does the gop have nothing but shitty speakers?

Yes.

Now back to Cheers and Jeers.

Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

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CHEERS to pigskin fever.  On this date in 1895, the first professional football game was played.  The Latrobe (PA) YMCA defeated the Jeannette Athletic Club 12-0.  Scandal erupted when half-time entertainer John Phillip Sousa---in the first documented "wardrobe malfunction"---reached down and "accidentally" ripped a piece of a piccolo player's stocking to reveal...an exposed ankle!  Thank god she was wearing a "fibula medallion" or there woulda been a riot.

JEERS to losing the youth vote.  Democrats, you're doing it all wrong!  See, to endear yourself to your party, you need to follow the Republicans' example and woo them gently with tear gas and Tasers and rifles and night sticks and Gestapo tactics.  And Miley Cyrus CDs---the kids love 'em.

CHEERS to a steaming cup of STFU.  For months and months---and months---the press has been howling that Barack Obama "is a loser because he hasn’t hit 50 percent in the polls against John McCain!"  Well, suck on this, you Very Serious People: Obama stands at 50 percent in the latest USA Today/Gallup poll, 50 percent in the Gallup daily tracking poll, and 51 percent in the Rasmussen poll.  Now all eyes are on John McCain to see if he can clear the bar the media has set for him: staying up past 9 O'clock.

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Two Years Ago in C&J: September 3, 2006...

JEERS to people Jesus would go postal over.  Unscrupulous loan sharks are skittering around military bases like cockroaches, preying on soldiers and their families:

The report says "payday loan" stores (so named because their loans are often due on a borrower's next payday) have sprung up by the thousands around military bases and elsewhere in the past decade.

Lenders typically charge $15 to $25 per $100 loan for two weeks, and most loans are extended for several weeks. The report says the average loan is $350 and has an annual interest rate of 390% to 780%. The average borrower, it says, pays back $834 for a $339 loan.

May your tallywackers get caught in your coin-rolling machines.

JEERS to the guy who will never step behind the desk in the Oval Office.  Yeah...Bill Frist.  Turns out he's not a real doctor after all...he just plays one on the Senate floor to diagnose brain-dead patients as "fine and dandy."  Today there are a few hundred of his former surgery patients walking around.  Very, very scared.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to "the biggest single-issue voter bloc in history."  Think it's a fool's errand to try and put the kibosh on partisan bickering and unite Americans once and for all around a common cause?  You may be right.  But if anybody can do it, it's Kossack Dave Praeger, who is launching a campaign that appeals to Republicans, Democrats and Independents alike:

All across the continent United States, the voter rolls are piling up with men and women who look down in disgust at what they see left behind. It wasn't an accident that the mounding fathers instituted a three-ply system of checks and balances--such a system ensures the regularity of our democracy. It cannot grow loose.

No more stalling. It is someone else's turn on the throne. The air must be freshened. The logjams bunging up the progress of our nation must be pushed out.

Yes, this campaign slogan even fits on a bumper sticker: I Poop and I Vote!  I'm Bill in Portland Maine, and I approved this message.

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Damn, this still makes me laugh.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

"Bill in Portland Maine is a big blowhard doofus."
---Karl Rove
9/1/08

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