Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY!

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

My Thoughts on the Republican Convention:

Republicans sure are angry people. They should take a class or something to get that under control. Or maybe just do what Jesus did: chill, man.
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When John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his veep choice, she became an instant mega-celebrity, eclipsing even Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Whoops!
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The RNC would like to thank the fine folks at Crayola Color Wonder for the backdrops last night. Optometrists would like to thank the RNC for the influx of patients that streamed into their offices with retina burns this morning.
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Republican operatives have officially welcomed 9/11 into their bag of acceptable advertising and marketing tools. The families of the victims must be thrilled to know that the horrific deaths of their loved ones can now be used to sell stuff.
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If McCain doesn't get a 15-point bounce, the convention will be repeated over and over until he does.
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If we lose this election it will be traced directly back to one thing: our team didn’t have a balloon drop and theirs did.
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Sarah Palin is the new savior of the Republican party as long as she never takes a single question from a reporter ever again as long as she lives.
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I wonder if Republicans ridicule community service organizers when they need something from them, or if they just ridicule them during conventions.
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President George H.W. Bush said during his 1989 inaugural address: "I have spoken of a thousand points of light, of all the community organizations that are spread like stars throughout the Nation, doing good." Save it for your liberal pals, you no-good San Francisco Marxist hippie.
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Gee, what will the "proper authorities" in Mineapolis-St. Paul do with their time now that they no longer have innocent protestors to beat the crap out of and unlawfully arrest? Go back to kicking kittens, I expect.
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I agree: John Bush is his own man. Too bad John McCain isn't.
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Wardrobe malfunction: McCain didn’t have the common decency and patriotism to wear a flag pin. But I hear his nipple medallions had eagles on them.
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This is just my opinion, Cindy, but $300,000 seems a little steep for duds. I hope that wasn't the red-tag sale price.
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Compared to this, Bob Barr's convention is gonna rock!

My friends, it’s the weekend. Please spend some time delivering bottled hot toddies to dehydrated bloggers. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 5, 2008

Note: Windows has detected that a sex god is currently using your computer and is now shutting down.

               [RESTART]   [CANCEL]   [GET JIGGY]

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Rachel Maddow's new show debuts on MSNBC: 3
Days `til the Common Ground Country Fair in Unity: 14
Number of John McCain's 507 donation "bundlers" who are registered lobbyists: 70 (14%)
Number of Barack Obama's 361 "bundlers" who are registered lobbyists: 14 (4%)
Minimum number of times since 2000 that John McCain has voted against increased funding for Veterans Affairs: 10
(Source: Harper's Index)
The last time Minnesota voted for a Republican president: 1972
Value of the dress Cindy McCain wore Monday night: $300,000
(Source: Americablog)
Drop in the Dow Industrials the day after Sarah Palin's speech: 344 points

And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,376
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0

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Puppy Pic of the Day: "I didn’t think there'd be so much blood."

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CHEERS to the brawl in St. Paul!  The Republicans did what they needed to do this week: gather one last time for a few days of lying, denying, and fearifying before they get clobbered in two months.  The spectacle ended last night with John McCain mumbling, and then SHOUTING, from the lawn of...um...a middle school.  I guess that'll teach Obama not to ignore that crucial voting bloc of 12-14 year olds.

JEERS to playing the "defenseless woman" card.  Now that Sarah Palin's had her "Sista Blowtorch" moment, I'd like to nip a narrative in the bud that the traditional media established mere seconds after McCain announced her as his running mate.  It's  the one that says Joe Biden has to "be very careful" about debating Palin because his amazing intellect, experience and debating skills might reflect poorly on him.  Oh really???  So women are delicate little flowers who are no longer equal to men and can't take a verbal punch?  They have to be coddled so that we don’t hurt their feelings?  Women don’t serve alongside men in the military and in Congress and in state legislatures and every profession in the country with smarts and moxie and constitutions of steel?  If we're gonna go back to the dark ages, then Biden should be given permission to step onto the stage and yell, "Shut up, woman...know thy place!" and then send her to the kitchen to churn butter.  I'm sensing by the shoe you just threw at me that you're cool to the idea.

CHEERS to the bestest convention evuh!  On September 5, 1774, the First Continental Congress assembled at Carpenter's Hall in Philadelphia:

It was held because the colonists were very upset about the Intolerable Acts and the taxes.  The Intolerable Acts were punishments that King George III put on the colonies.  He put them on so the colonists would feel sorry about dumping tea into Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party.

I forget, how'd that work out?

JEERS to yanking the football away one last time.  Remember when President Bush announced recently that we were victorizing so victoriously in Iraq that significant troop withdrawals would happen in Iraq this fall...like for really really really real this time?  Well, you'll never guess what!  It was all a dream:

Army Gen. David H. Petraeus has recommended that President Bush postpone sharp troop cuts in Iraq until next year, delaying a large-scale shift of combat forces to Afghanistan and reflecting concerns that widespread violence could return to Iraq.

Under the recommendation, the current level of about 140,000 troops would remain in Iraq through the end of Bush's presidency in January. Then, a combat brigade of about 3,500 troops would be removed by February, a senior Pentagon official said, speaking on condition of anonymity because the recommendation has not been made public.

But look at it this way: that means we get to enjoy six more months of winning!  Yeaaaargghhh!!!

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Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

This is anothher edition of The One Word Answer Man.  Paul Krugman asks a two'fer:

Can the super-rich former governor of Massachusetts---the son of a Fortune 500 C.E.O. who made a vast fortune in the leveraged-buyout business---really keep a straight face while denouncing "Eastern elites"?

Can the former mayor of New York City, a man who, as USA Today put it, "marched in gay pride parades, dressed up in drag and lived temporarily with a gay couple and their Shih Tzu"---that was between his second and third marriages---really get away with saying that Barack Obama doesn’t think small towns are sufficiently "cosmopolitan"?

Yes.

Now back to Cheers and Jeers.

Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

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JEERS to President George W. Pervert.  Four years ago tomorrow, President Bush said: "We got an issue in America.  Too many good docs are gettin' out of business.  Too many OBGYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."  Keith Olbermann's two-word reaction is priceless.  (And you thought Larry Craig was creepy...)

CHEERS to kibitzing in Real Time.  Tonight on HBO Bill Maher spars with Actress Kerry Washington, Republican Michael Steele, the fearless Dan Savage, journalist Jeffrey Toobin, and Kossack KarateExplosions' favorite punching bag, Scotty McClellan.  Our favorite moment from last week:

"New Rule: You can't put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead someone to build one.  As long as you're sending a camera crew to a farm, why not just take a picture of actual bullshit?"

Speaking of bullshit, it must hurt like hell for Republicans to pull these out of their asses all day.  Thank god for petroleum jelly.

CHEERS to winning the war on terrorism.  On September 5, 1996, Muslim extremist Ramzi Yousef and two other thugs who masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing (and planned to blow up a bunch of U.S. airliners), were sent to tiny, windowless cells for the rest of eternity.  But...but...how could that be?  I mean, using law-enforcement to crack the case and arrest the evildoers instead of using bunker busters and declaring World War III?  I gotta lie down...this is blowing my mind.

CHEERS to titillating transpositions.  If you're calling to order the latest migratory waterfowl stamp, you're in for a good time:

Seems the Fish and Wildlife [Service], which administers the duck stamp program, printed about 3.5 million  stamps attached to cards with the wrong number. Instead of the correct number---1-800-782-6724---the misprint directs callers to 1-800-872-6724. The first spells out 1-800-STAMP24.  The second?  1-800-TRAMP24.

Yeah.  It's a $1.99-per-minute sex line.  But, uh, if you tell me your Daily Kos user name when you call, I'll drop it to a buck fifty.  Just ask for "Sugar Lips."

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Two Years Ago in C&J: September 5, 2006...

CHEERS to the life of Steve Irwin.  It was inevitable, I suppose, but still a shocker.  The "Crocodile Hunter"---a poster child for Red Bull if ever there was one---was killed at 44 by a creature off the Great Barrier Reef Monday.  John Karr immediately took responsibility and is being flown to Sydney for DNA testing.  May he choke on his prawns.

JEERS to Katie MANIA!!  As if we needed more proof that the evening news has turned into a "Couricus," the new CBS anchor won't start her gig tonight with a simple "Here's the news..."  Instead, it'll be "Heeeeere's Clinton!  Limbaugh!  Cronkite!  SpongeBob!  And a suitcase containing One...MILLION...Dollars!!"  Good night...and good blech.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to the best one-man duo in stand-up.  Bob Newhart delivers humor the way I like it: dry as a bone.  The quiet, ever-put-upon comedian, who built his career on classic phone calls between himself and himself, turns 79 today.  We wish him many happy returns...and many blessings on your cheese dip.

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Have a great weekend...and use protection!  Oh, and if you're looking for another similarity between Bush and McCain: neither one knows how to eat a pretzel.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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