From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
This Late Night Snark Has 60 Votes:
"Former Vice President Dick Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the Emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'C’mon, it’s not like he’s the CEO of Exxon.'"
---Conan O'Brien
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"[Sarah] Palin says that women are held to a higher standard than men. She quotes Margaret Thatcher who said, 'If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.' It's an interesting theory. I guess that’s why she asked a woman to write the book for her."
---Jimmy Kimmel
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"Republicans Steve King and Pete Hoekstra attempted to wrap the Capitol with the 1,900-page healthcare bill. I mean, come on---shouldn’t that time be spent actually reading the bill? But you know the only way some of them will read it is resting it on the back of the hooker they're bonin' at the C Street House."
----Wanda Sykes
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"A tanker truck carrying 7,000 gallons of Canadian Club whiskey overturned on a Kentucky highway on its way to the Jim Beam distillery. Said a nearby child: 'It smells like uncles.'"
---Seth Meyers
Oh, and apparently the reason why Republicans have been freaking out this year is because they're just now finding time to read their back issues of Oh My God We're So Screwed magazine from 2004. Seriously...
Jon Stewart: There's a fear out there that seems irrational.
Exploiter of Irrational Fears Lou Dobbs: I think that part of that fear certainly is. I also think part of that fear is simply catching up with the events of some years ago...say, four or five years ago.
Jon Stewart: Why do [people] always catch up to the fears during Democratic administrations? It feels like all the people who want limited government really just want government limited to Republicans.
---The Daily Show
And now a brief Special Comment: Since the right-wing fringers enjoy sharing their favorite Bible verses with us, I'd like to reciprocate by sharing one of mine with them. It comes right after Psalm 109:8 and I believe it says:
And the wise man lookethed at the creepy people seething with un-Christlike rage at their duly-elected leader and saideth, "Bite me, douchebags." And lo the Lord respondedeth: "Amen, Brother. You getteth the pie and they getteth the clap."
Yeah. That's how I remember it.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 20, 2009
Note: How DARE you accuse me of being proactive. I'm an American!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the elections in Iraq (theoretically): 59
Days `til the Christmas Prelude in Kennebunkport: 14
Number of "unhealthy air days" Charlotte, NC had in 2009, down from its average of 36: 5
Number Cleveland had, down from 23: 3
(Source: EPA Ozone Seasonal recap via USA Today)
Reduction in the risk of heart attacks among women who are considered "optimists": 16%
(Source: Study of 100,000 women over eight years by the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, via Parade)
Number at which the world population will level off by 2050 if current trends continue: 9 billion
(Source: United Nations via The Week)
Number of Americans who intend to eat human brains for Thanksgiving dinner: 622 (and spreading rapidly from northwest to southeast---stay tuned to your short-wave radios for updates and lock your doors!!!)
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,810
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: What the...
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CHEERS to filling bellies. Keep your eye on the diaries this weekend. Noweasels and friends are "doing a two-day blogathon beginning Saturday morning to help Feeding America in their effort to provide nine million meals on Thanksgiving Day." But... But... Why would we need to do an anti-hunger blogathon when we're The World's Bread Basket??? Oh...I see:
The U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Economic Research Service (USDA) reported today that 49 million Americans, including nearly 17 million children, are food insecure. The 2009 report on Household Food Insecurity in the United States paints an alarming picture of the pervasiveness of hunger in our nation.
This is an increase of 36 percent over the numbers released one year [ago] by the USDA, which found that 36.2 million American were at risk of hunger."It is tragic that so many people in this nation of plenty don’t have access to adequate amounts of nutritious food," said Vicki Escarra, president and CEO of Feeding America. "There are likely many more people struggling with hunger than this report states.
Watch for diaries this weekend by Teacher Ken, rb137, Timroff, Noweasels, Buhdydharma and others, and if you can spare a dime, Feeding America will put it to very good use. And be sure to join me the following weekend when I do my own blogathon to permanently get the bureaucratic phrase "food insecurity" (aka "starving") stricken from our public discourse. It's a bit of Bush-era whitewash...and it displeases me.
CHEERS to the birthday boys. Many blessings on the camels of Senator Robert Byrd, who turns 92 today, and Vice President Joe Biden, who is 67. They've wisely decided to go to Denny's to celebrate. Not only will they get a combined 159% discount on their Grand Slams, but the place is open 24/7 in case they decide to "say few words" before they cut the cake.
JEERS to the waiting game. Yesterday there was an airline traffic control meltdown. Airline passengers across the country had to endure delays, cancellations, missed connections, long waits on the tarmac, crying babies, inconvenience, boredom, overpriced airport food, and excessive baggage fees. As opposed to a normal day where all they have to put up with are delays, cancellations, missed connections, long waits on the tarmac, crying babies, inconvenience, boredom, overpriced airport food, and excessive baggage fees.
WHOA to off-the-charts paranoia. There were audible gasps on this blog yesterday when a new poll showed that a plurality of Republicans think the 2008 election was stolen by ACORN. Which shows how "nuts" they are (Ha Ha Ha) because that means they still have no idea who really stole it. But I'll be nice and give 'em a hint: it rhymes with "orange." (That oughtta keep 'em busy for awhile...)
CHEERS to dry land. On tomorrow's date in 1620 (or, as Republicans call it, "the year we're trying to obstruct our way back to"), after being denied boarding passes at Heathrow because they were on the no-fly list, a bunch of "pilgrims" from England with B.O. and no sense of humor landed in Provincetown, Massachusetts. The citizens of the budding gay hamlet had one word for the new arrivals: "Makeover!" (But the buckles on their hats? "Fab-o!")
JEERS to the Rudeness! I'm gonna say this one time, so listen carefully: You people need to get a life and leave Sarah Palin alone! Stop the shouting and the whining and the complaining about her. Quit pointing fingers. Quit dragging her through the mud and into the gutter. Quit your hating, dammit! She was a vice presidential candidate, fer God's sake! Sarah is a plain-spoken, America-lovin' hockey mom who comes across as your next door neighbor. So leave her alone! And, yes, I'm talking to you, Sarah Palin supporters! Leave Sarah Palin alone! (Just when you think they can't get any nuttier...)
CHEERS to home vegetation. "Ahh Eeeee, Ah Ah Ah Ah Ahhhhhhhh..." Oh, hello! I was just warbling the theme from Star Trek, the 2009 "prequel" of which is out on DVD this week, along with Sasha Baron Cohen's Bruno. Also suitable for the small screen this weekend: Joseph Gordon Levitt hosts SNL with musical guest the Dave Matthews Band. On 60 Minutes, the cost of end-of-life care is explored (but of course the liberal media refuses to say anything about how Nancy Pelosi would send grandmas to die on ice floes...that is, if there were any ice floes left), and director James Cameron outlines the plot of his next movie, Titanic II: My Heart Will Go On Harder. In exciting NFL action, Patriots coach Bill Belichick will strategically hand out coupons for free touchdowns to the Jets. And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Turkey Wattle Neck Index:
Meet the Press:: Dick Durbin, Diane Feinstein, Kay Bailey Hutchison and Joe Lieberman. Turkey Wattle Neck Index: A perfect 10!!!
This Week: Three Republicans (including Tom Coburn and DINO Ben Nelson) and 1 Democrat continue their 10-month discussion of how dead healthcare reform is. Then Liz Cheney heads up the "powerhouse" roundtable. George Stephapalooza says, "You won’t want to miss it." Wanna bet? Turkey Wattle Neck Index: 6
Face the Nation: Chuck Schumer, Jon Kyl, Dr. Jennifer Ashton. Turkey Wattle Neck Index: 7
The McLaughlin Group: John McLaughlin, Eleanor Clift, Pat Buchanan. Turkey Wattle Neck Index: 9
Bill Moyers Journal: The LBJ tapes: How and why Johnson stepped up the war in Vietnam, and the parallels with Obama's looming Afghanistan decision. Turkey Wattle Neck Index: 5
Fox Pity Party with Chris Wallace: No clue who's on. Turkey Wattle Neck Index: If Brit Hume's on the panel: 10
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: November 20, 2004
CHEERS to the Big Scandal. Dan Gurley is the National Field Director for the Republican Party. When he's not using gays as scapegoats he likes to have unprotected sex with multiple male partners. Not that there's anything wrong with...uhhh, yeah, there is. Ick. [11/20/09 Update: Gurley's now one of the good guys. Yay.]
JEERS to premature prognostication. Our brain still hurts from November 2nd, but for what it's worth, McLaughlin & Associates survey shows that, if the Democratic primary were held today, Hillary would get 31% of the votes. John Kerry...20%. John Edwards...6%. Among GOP candidates, Rudy Giuliani would win with 34% of the vote. John McCain...15%. Jeb Bush...7%. But these results are incomplete, since half of the door-to-door pollsters are still in the hospital with broken jaws.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to a decision that takes balls. I appreciate the recognition they get, but I have to say that the latest inductees in the Toy Hall of Fame are disappointing this year because none of my candidates were chosen. Instead, they went safe again by picking the Big Wheel, the Game Boy, and the ball. Despite the setback, C&J plans to continue its ongoing write-in campaign for the addition of the Mainway Toys classics that made our childhood so uniquely American: Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set; Mr. Skin-Grafter; General Tron's Secret Police Confession Kit; Doggie Dentist; Teddy Chainsaw Bear and, of course, Bag `O Glass. The cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die.
Have a weekend full of bounce and body! (And, if you play your cards right, bouncing bodies.) Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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