Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Oh! More Things I Know:

The moment President Obama signed the stimulus package Eric Cantor felt a tingle in his pants (and he kinda liked it).

You'll be gobsmacked---in a good way!---when you find out why the stimulus package contains $20 billion for curbside hitching posts and feed bags.

Captain Chesley Sullenberger would shorten our recession by six months simply by going on TV and saying: "There, there---It's gonna be okay." He'd lengthen it by six months by going on TV and saying: "Brace for impact!" Man, that's power.

TIME magazine thinks Daily Kos is overrated. Yes, we're overrated because we don’t publish serious cover stories like, The Iraq Study Group says it's time for an exit strategy. Why Bush will listen. Shame on us.

Facebook sounds like something Hannibal Lector would create.

We're not sending a man to Mars. Just put that out of your mind right now. It'll be a woman.

America really jumped the tracks when politicians stopped yelling, "My countrymen, I prithee...!"

Eric Holder hasn’t thrown tarps over the nekkid statues at the Justice Department or anointed himself with Crisco. He's no fun at all.

Hillary is going to kick ass as Secretary of State.

Now that my new converter box is installed, I'm no longer farting in analog.

I found General David Petraeus's Achilles heel: he sucks at Skee Ball.

A happily- and openly-gay Pastor Ted Haggard will be grand marshal in a major gay pride parade within five years.

Orion is the most awesome constellation in the sky and I'll thumb wrestle you to the death if you think otherwise.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Note:  Damn.  My helicopter's late again.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the post office raises 1st-class stamp prices 2 cents, to 44 cents: 84
Days `til the International Cherry Blossom Festival in Macon, Georgia: 30
Percent of Americans who trust financial firms: 22%
(Source: The Economist via The Week)
Estimated number of Americans who have epilepsy: 3 million
Percent of cases called "severe," which means the person could have "hundreds of minor seizures a day": 5%
(Source: Parade)
Weekly increase in daylight now: 20 minutes
(Source: Channel 6 meteorologist Roger Griswold)
Weeks Leopold Wrobel must spend in jail for "continually whistling the theme music to The Addams Family whenever his elderly neighbors passed by": 20
(Source: Jonathan Turley)

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 160 (including 3 false prophets and  $45 billion in real Exxon Mobil profits).  Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.  

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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Um...waiter???"

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GULP!!! to Man on Wire (with no net).  As Robert Livingston said to George Washington after administering the oath of office in 1789: "It is done."  President Obama signed the massive Economic Hair On Fire Bill yesterday, saying it marked "the beginning of the end."  Journalist Ron Brownstein, who was really on a tear Sunday on Meet the Press, best describes the significance of that presidential signature:

"This bill was a presidency in a box.  He achieved more of his aims in this single legislation than many presidents will achieve in an entire term.  I mean, there is more new net public investment here on things the Democrats consider essential for long-term growth---like education, scientific research, alternative energy---than Bill Clinton was able to achieve in two terms."

Lest we forget, it bears repeating: the party who fostered the conditions that made this bill absolutely necessary is the same party that voted in lockstep against it.  Will we ever trust the Greens again?

P.S. You can keep track of where the stimulus dollars are going by checking in at the new White House web site, Recovery.gov.  Pay no attention to the $8 billion marked "Other."  That'll all be explained in good time.  (Hint: It involves ice cream, chocolate sauce, whipped cream, a forest of bananas and 300 million spoons.)

CHEERS to the travelin' man.  Obama is in Phoenix today to unveil a housing bailout package viciously opposed by John McCain that will help prevent John McCain from losing any of his twelve houses (don't ask, I don’t get it either).  But it's too late for poor Mitt Romney, who's already had to dump two of his four sprawling mansions so the family can afford to keep the pantry stocked with Spaghetti-Os.  Even more sad: Mitt sold his hair so he could buy his wife a watch fob, and his wife sold her pocket watch so she could buy Mitt a set of tortoise-shell combs.  Life is cruel.

CHEERS to stalling for America's future.  168 years ago, on February 18, 1841, the first continuous filibuster in the U.S. Senate began.  It lasted until March 11.  One thing we'll never have to worry about---a politician running out of words.

WHAT THE...??? to brawling loons.  Well, here's something I never thought I'd see: Pat Robertson fighting with Rush Limbaugh over Barack Obama.  I'm not ready to brace for the apocalypse yet, but after this I'm at least gonna start sleeping with my boots on.

CHEERS to the right's worst nightmare: more proof of evolution.  Scientists say they're closing in on completion of a map of the Neanderthal genome.  As of now they're about 63 percent done.

But there is argument about just how closely humans and Neanderthals are related.  While some anthropologists believe Neanderthal was a direct ancestor, others believe the ancient hominid bred with other primates in Europe and Asia, which led to the explosion of modern humans.

They say they'll be able to make a final judgment once they've compared their results with the DNA of a modern-day knuckledragger.  Unfortunately they can’t find anyone willing to swab the roof of Michelle Malkin's mouth.  They could lose a finger.  And get rabies.

JEERS to the tone-deaf party.  At last count, the Republicans have managed to piss off the following artists for using their music without permission: Van Halen, Heart, Foo Fighters, Jackson Brown, Frankie Valli, Orleans, and even the guy who wrote the music for the video game Medal of Honor: European Assault.  Now you can add one more to the list: Aerosmith.  Feeling sorry for their string of bad luck, Paul McCartney called and granted them full and unlimited use of I'm A Loser in GOP ads, campaign rallies, or as a lullaby to cry themselves to sleep with at night.

P.S. You don’t recognize freakin' Aerosmith, spellchecker???  What rock have you been living under, pal?

CHEERS to the human abacus.  In California a kid was born with "24 perfectly-formed fingers and toes---six on each hand and foot."  After a brief nap and diaper change, he was immediately appointed the new state treasurer.

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Five years ago in C&J: February 18, 2004

CHEERS to the Cheeseheads.  Voters give Kerry a good scare in Wisconsin, extending the primary season and boiling it down to a two-man race versus Edwards.  May the best hair win.

JEERS to double standards.  Christians moan and wail about excessive R-rated movie fare...but now they want to take their 10 year-olds to see the nightmarish bloodbath that is "The Passion of the Christ."  On the bright side...FREE refills when you buy the Cup of Christ Super Value Combo!

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And just one more...

CHEERS to setting the record...um...not so straight.  When I came out of the closet in 1992 and started meeting gay people for the first time, I'd go to shake their hands and they'd almost always respond by giving me a big ol' hug instead.  Coming from a family that rarely showed intimacy (especially the dudes), that was new---uncomfortable at first, but soon gratefully accepted and reciprocated.  Gays are big on teh hugging, and have been for decades (often at risk to our personal safety if the wrong crowd sees us).  So while we're thrilled that a growing number of straight men are catching up with our penchant for treating our friends and acquaintances like human accordions, we must say "tut-tut" to TIME magazine for failing to note our contribution to the emerging national squeeze-a-thon.  But, quibbling aside, we're always glad to see a little plaster fall from the testosterone wall.  Okay everybody: {{{Group}}}

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Well Whaddya know---John Boehner can fit inside a monkey's ass.  I regret that I ever doubted him.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Sen. Lindsay Graham: There are things in Cheers and Jeers that make the public want to throw up.
Congresswoman Maxine Waters: I don't see anything in Cheers and Jeers that would make anybody want to throw up. ...
---ABC's This Week
2/15/09

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