Overrated Cheers and Jeers: Thursday

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Obama Tube

President Obama's got the video bug bad. He releases new online messages almost daily. Not that we're complaining---we love the way he's taking the presidency to the masses in such a newfangled way (by government standards, anyway). But he might be a little too eager to share his thoughts, judging by these raw advance video transcripts we secretly obtained from David Axelrod an unnamed source...

"And so my fellow Americans, let me be clear: once you've planted your narcissus bulbs, it's best to leave 'em in a cool room until the sprouts are about two inches tall. Otherwise they might become floppy and useless. Not unlike Republicans in Congress. Ha Ha. You can edit that out, right...?"

"I mean, seriously, don’t ya ever wonder why we're here? What it's all about? I saw a squirrel on the White House lawn the other day digging up nuts or some such thing, and I thought to myself: what made him a squirrel and me President of the United States? Why is this our moment, why is this our time? I've appointed a special task force headed by Vice President Biden to find out."

"This is the challenge we face. In a world in which those who oppose us will use any means necessary to disrupt our plans with attacks and deception, we must think smarter, act more decisively, and be more resolute in our cause against the enemy. Like this: Queen takes bishop---checkmate. Here, let me show you again in slo-mo and then I'll teach you how to castle..."

"Once you've set your alarm, you're ready to achieve your great American dream. If you get too hot, toss a blanket to the side. If you get too cool, add another comforter. And above all, when your spouse says, "Turn off that damn video camera and go to sleep!" you must heed those words, and heed that call, just as our forefathers did before us, like the great James Madison, who once said, It is better to... Ow! Okay, okay! Thank you for watching and good night." [Click]

Pace yourself, sir. You've still got seven years and eleven months.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 19, 2009

Note:  I just finished reading every entry in Wikipedia and there's still one thing I don’t understand: spleens.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Conan O'Brien's last 'Late Night' show before he becomes the host of the Tonight show: 1
Days `til the first-ever Tucson Tango Festival: 14
Rank of the Honda Civic GX---which runs on natural gas---among greenest cars made in the U.S.: #1
(Source: Council for an Energy Efficient Economy)
Percent of Americans who say the economic crisis hasn’t affected their sex lives: 78%
(Source: Consumer Reports via The Week)
Number of times an actor has been posthumously nominated for an Oscar: 7
Number of winners in that group: 1 (Peter Finch, Network)
Number of consecutive years in which Maine resident Paul Schipper skiied every single day of the season at Sugarloaf Resort in Carrabassett Valley: 24
(Source: Portland Press Herald)

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

[P]erhaps what I object to most is the use of war as a metaphor for political differences. That way lies folly and worse.  Call it a spirited discussion, a disagreement, or an all-out slinging match, but don’t call it war.  That's how you get murdered abortion doctors and bombed buildings in Oklahoma.
---January, 1999

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Having suddenly found themselves the unlikeliest of allies, they planned their escape...

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CHEERS to northern exposure.  President Obama will cash in some of his 20 million accrued frequent POTUSflyer miles today so he can spend six hours in Canada.  After riding in a tickertape Zamboni parade, he'll discuss the environment and the economy (and probably get a little lecture about protectionism) with various muckety mucks, and also learn how to properly use the various subtle shadings of "Eh."  But the real theme of his trip is: "You can all come out of your homes now...the Sith lords are gone and the Jedi are in control south of the border."  Just before leaving he'll join Prime Minister Harper in releasing Celine Dion back into the wild.

CHEERS to fixing America's leaky roof.  Yesterday President Obama unveiled his new housing rescue package.  Yes, it will help nine million Americans renegotiate their mortgages.  Yes, it will help stabilize housing prices.  Yes, it will help revitalize neighborhoods.  Hell, even Charles Krauthammer likes it, fer crying out loud.  But it's not all rosy.  What they won’t tell you is that there's absolutely nothing in it for hut owners.  Ginger, Mary Ann and the Professor are not pleased.

JEERS to really bad ideas from really good presidents.  On February 19, 1942, President Roosevelt signed the order that would lead to the "relocation" (read: forced detention) of Japanese-Americans and Japanese nationals living here.  How do we know it was a really, really bad decision?  Because Michelle Malkin thinks it was a really, really good decision.  Case closed.

CHEERS to political analogies culled from the Larousse Gastronomique.  While discussing the bizarre on-air radio rant by Congresswoman Michele Bachman (R-MN) with Keith Olbermann last night, Chris Hayes of The Nation---one of the liberal punditocracy's rising stars---found a juicy way to explain how the loons on the right have hijacked their party.  Sounds like someone's been watching Rachael Ray:

"I was thinking, it's sort of like when you reduce a stew or something.  It's like each subsequent election more and more Republicans are boiled off until---Michele Bachman is like the demi-glace of Wingnuttia.  And that's really what the House Republican caucus is coming to resemble.  It's this very, very very right-wing group of extremists.  They have the control of the party apparatus, largely, and I think that spells continued electoral irrelevance, thankfully, for the Republicans."

Love it.  Although after hearing that I'll never be able to look at a gravy boat ever again.

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Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man.  Kos asks: [I]f Burris gets kicked out of the Senate for being a lying fuck, do you think he'll still carve "U.S. Senator" into his graveyard monument to his own greatness?

Aye!

Now back to Cheers and Jeers.

Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!

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CHEERS to deep thoughts.  Next time someone asks you how bad the economy is, try this: "People have more Spam in their cupboards than they do in their email."  My rubber ducky told me that one in the bathtub last night.  He also told me to help him release Satan.  Sorry, man, no can do.  Bad back.

CHEERS to disinfectink mit sonnenschein.  Add this to reasons why everything Phil Gramm touches turns to shit.  He just helped bring down Switzerland:

In the hush-hush world of Swiss banking, the unthinkable is happening: secrets are spilling into the open.  UBS, the largest bank in Switzerland, agreed on Wednesday to divulge the names of well-heeled Americans whom the authorities suspect of using offshore accounts at the bank to evade taxes.  The bank admitted conspiring to defraud the Internal Revenue Service and agreed to pay $780 million to settle a sweeping federal investigation into its activities.  

[T]urning over any names at all heralds the end of the secret Swiss bank account, whose traditions date to the Middle Ages.  "The Swiss are saying that this is the end of Swiss banking as they knew it," said Jack Blum, an offshore tax specialist.

Yes, um, I'd like a large popcorn, large nachos, large Dr. Pepper, large Twizzlers, and a large Sno-Caps.  Oh, and a front row seat, please.  This oughtta be a great show.

JEERS to slowpokery.  On February 19, 1986, the Senate approved a treaty that said genocide—y'know like the Darfur kind---was unacceptable.  What's really amazing is that the treaty was first introduced in 1949...and was signed 37 years after the pact had first been offered up for ratification.  Or, as the Senate call it: the speed of light.

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Five years ago in C&J: February 19, 2004

CHEERS to Howard Dean.  The Governor did the right thing, bowing out after Wisconsin primary loss like he said he would.  He vows to help Dems---including House and Senate candidates---win in '04.  Never forget: he stapled the balls back on the donkey.

P.S. You'll always be #1 with a green `up' arrow in my DKos Cattle Call, Guv.

JEERS to America's credit card balance.  Latest U.S. Treasury statement came in the mail Tuesday: $7.015 trillion.  But look what came with it---a special offer on this lovely Thomas Kinkade lighthouse collectible figurine.  Only 3 easy payments of $16 billion!  [2/19/09 Update: Only seven trillion?  How quaint.]

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And just one more...

JEERS to eyeball whiplash.  The Arabica coffee shop in downtown Portland not only brews a mean cup of high-octane Earl Grey tea, they also keep their jars stocked with awesome fresh cookies.  One of them was snarkily labeled, "PERFECTLY SAFE peanut butter cookies."  Ha Ha, we laughed.  Then we saw the tiny legal disclaimer at the bottom: "WARNING: CONTAINS PEANUT BUTTER."  The chocolate chip ones were delicious.

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Oh, and now here's today's edition of Pootie Politics: How to Act Like A Modern-day Republican.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

"Everyone should be Bill in Portland Maine...but it isn’t realistic at all."
---Bristol Palin
2/16/09

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