Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Note: Has Ralph Nader declared his presidential candidacy for 2012 yet?
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Daylight Saving Time begins: 12
Days `til 7th annual March Mandolin Festival in Concord, NH: 10
Home owners who hold mortgages in the United States: 52 million
Number of homes worth less than the mortgage balance: 13.8 million
(Source: Portland Press Herald)
Rank of Vermont among least religious states in America: #1
Percent chance that NH, ME and MA are ranked 2, 3 and 4: 100%
(Source: Gallup aggregate of 355,334 interviews with U.S. adults in 2008 via USA Today)
Number of Januaries in which the movie industry grossed $1 billion: 1 (Jan. '09)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
I think a good way to protest the Porkolous is to claim that printing so much money is environmentally unsound. Do you think the envirofacists will then come on board against the porkolous?
---Commenter "AU" at Little Green Footballs
All together now: One...two...three... Classy!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Beads! More beads!
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CHEERS to walking confidently into a nest of vultures. President Obama addresses a joint session of Congress tonight, where he will---say it with me, you must know the words by now---"deliver the most important speech of his life." Before he transfers his final draft to the teleprompter, we hope he see this:
President Obama is benefiting from remarkably high levels of optimism and confidence among Americans about his leadership, providing him with substantial political clout as he confronts the nation’s economic challenges and opposition from nearly all Republicans in Congress, according to the latest New York Times/CBS News poll. Most said Mr. Obama should pursue the priorities he campaigned on, the poll found, rather than seek middle ground with Republicans.
Mr. Obama’s approval rating is about 10 percentage points higher than either George W. Bush or Bill Clinton were at this early stage of their presidencies. His job approval rating of 63 percent includes 88 percent of Democrats and 44 percent of Republicans.
There will be time after Obama speaks for a "Republican response" by Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. Or as we like to call it here: a "potty break."
JEERS to trouble in the land of Hummers and sparkle ponies. The "leading economic forecasters" saw their shadow the other day, which means the recession will deepen for the rest of the year---like, duh. But there may be some light at the end of the end of the end of the tunnel:
NABE predicts GDP will rebound in 2010, averaging 2.4 percent over the course of the year. The Fed, too, is forecasting that the economy will grow again in 2010---and will pick up momentum in 2011.
They added: "Of course, this hinges on finding our own source of the spice mélange, defeating Baron Harkonnen, and establishing ties with the CHOAM corporation. So...5049, tops." Specificity breeds confidence, you know.
JEERS to the shocker of the day. Before I tell you what it is, I'm going to have to immobilize you in the C&J Chair of Woe so you can't hurt yourself:
[Latch] [Buckle] [Tie] [Snap] [Clip] [Twist] [Hook] [Lock Lock Lock Lock] [Zzzzzip!]
Okay. Now try not to freak out: Rove blew off another subpoena. "Nurse---smelling salts, stat! And because it's after 8am...add a couple daiquiris."
CHEERS to Mardi Gras. The one day of the year you have total permission to get stone drunk at lunchtime, then come back and strut nekkid in front of your co-workers. Trust me...as long as you toss some beads their way, you're golden.
CHEERS to creative stalling. In Zephyrhills, Florida, employment-endangered Kathy Lovelace discovered---as many others have---a way to buy herself a commodity she was running short on with her bank: time...
"I got a letter they were going to foreclose," says Lovelace. But she found these words to say to the bank and her foreclosure came to a screeching halt: produce the note. She hasn’t heard from the bank since. "I haven’t heard a word from them," she says.
Lovelace and other homeowners around the country are using this tactic to buy time and stay in their house. It’s a strategy that reveals the mortgage mess that’s been going on in this country the past decade. When real estate was booming, companies sold and resold mortgages over and over again. "No one really knew who owned what," says consumer attorney Chris Hoyer. "They were sold and resold so many times..."
That's right, kids. The genius bankers got so starry-eyed over the prospect of infinite profits that they lost the paperwork. Yay! Free homes for everybody!
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. The Portland Press Herald asks: Gay marriage $60 million boon for state?
Fab!
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to a really smooth ride. In Utah a man took his SUV to the garage so the service guys could figure out why the fuel gauge never went below half-full. Turns out the gas tank was filled with 35 pounds of plastic-wrapped pot. The owner says that probably also explains why the SUV tended to run better on Twinkies.
JEERS to night of the living brain-dead GOP. What IS their problem???
>> Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning proudly predicts Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be dead in nine months.
>> Alabama Senator Richard Shelby suggests that President Obama might not be an American citizen.
>> Missouri Representative Roy Blunt insists that President Obama is trying to create a depression...so he can save us from it.
>> GOP chairman Michael Steele goes from saying that "I think that’s an important opportunity for us, absolutely" to consider civil unions for gays...to saying "No, no no. What would we do that for? What are you, crazy?"
No, sir. But I think we have a good way of finding out who is. It's called a mirror. Look into it.
CHEERS to a guy whose death has been slightly exaggerated. Happy Birthday, Abe Vigoda! The Barney Miller and Godfather star (and long-time New York Friar's Club member) turns 88 today. His future has been cloudy ever since Conan O'Brien released him into the wild last Friday. I just hope his electronic tracking tag stays clipped on his ear. (Forgive our snark, Tessio... It's nothing personal. Just business.)
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Five years ago in C&J: February 24, 2004
JEERS to Tom "Lay Down" Daschle. Rapid City Journal reports Daschle "praised Bush administration's war and nation-building work in Iraq and said he has no serious concerns about the lack of weapons of mass destruction." Get this guy to the Dean Clinic for the Treatment of Infectious Bush Lite Diseases. Stat!
JEERS to bad jokes. Education Secretary Rod Paige brands NEA "a terrorist organization." Tom Ridge suffers chest pains over thought of airlifting 2.7 million people to Guantanamo.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to stories that give me hope. As the world crumbles around us there are still signs that, if nothing else, America continues to rank #1 in unintentional comedy:
First came the iPhone. Then, there was the "iFart" flatulence noise download. Now, there's "Pull My Finger"---and next could come the lawsuits. A Florida-based company has accused a Colorado competitor in federal court of trademark infringement and unfair business practices over the phrase "Pull My Finger."
Yes, folks, we're going to weather this storm. As long as the great American frivolous lawsuit survives, America survives.
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Happy Mardi Gras!!! Whoooooo!!! Show us yer boobs!!! Ladies, you too!!! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
[Bouncing up and down on stage] "My kids are too old to remember this now, but when they were much younger, I swore to them that if this miracle ever happened, that I would receive it in the spirit of Bill in Portland Maine...and that's what that was."
---Director Danny Boyle Oscar acceptance speech
2/22/09
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