Bizarro Stimulus

In Earth's version of the US Senate, the purpose of a stimulus bill is to create jobs and get the economy moving . . .

SENATOR LANE: Fellow Senators, have you noticed that a shocking number -- as much as 20% -- of the job losses that our nation has recently experienced have been in the building and construction sector? It seems to me that if we want to create jobs and get the economy moving, one effective step would be to provide financial assistance to construction projects that are already designed and engineered, and which can start hiring unemployed construction workers as soon as they get financing.

SENATOR OLSEN: Gee, Lois -- I mean, Senator Lane -- what kind of projects like that are out there? Are there any?

SENATOR SUPERMAN: Indeed there are, Jimmy.  School construction projects. Why, there are ample school projects out there that are "shovel-ready" -- that is, projects that can start employing construction workers and providing immediate stimulus within a few months, if not weeks, of appropriation! They're primarily schools that states and municipal governments had planned to build or renovate, but aren't able to finance because of the recession. If we give them the funding, they'll start building right away. Why, the first $6.4 billion that we allocate to school construction will create over 100,000 construction jobs in 2009 alone, and additional funds will perpetuate the stimulative effect through 2010 and 2011!

SENATOR LANE: Wow, that's really stimulative. That's just what we need -- putting people in a depressed industry back to work right away. And of course, it's a long-term investment in our kids, who desperately need modernized school facilities. I'm pretty sure that the Senate will jump at getting those construction projects going -- in fact, I'll bet that even Senator Luthor will vote for it . . .

But on Bizarro Earth (or "Htrae"), the the US Senate (the "Etanes") thinks that the purpose of a stimulus bill is to grandstand and pose as "sensible moderates" by removing the most effective portions of the bill . . .

SENATOR NOSLEN: Us need to gut stimulus bill, make us look sensible! Then Divad Redorb will write big column say we responsible bizarro-partisans!

SENATOR RETCEPS: Governor of me home state of Ainavlynnep say he want big school construction money to make it easier for bizarro kids to learn and so us can get Ainavlynnepian workers back on the job. Many school projects ready to go, ready to employ workers. This bizarro bad! Us need take all school construction money out of stimulus bill!

SENATOR EWONS: Me agree! Fix bill with zero money for school building!

SENATOR NAMREBEIL: Me bizarro master. Always do bizarro thing. Take money from kids and Tucitcennoc workers is bizarro genius!

ALL: Us do opposite of all Earthly things! Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is big crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro World!

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Yeah, it's a tortured, geeky conceit, but these are tortured times.  We must be living in Bizarro World when reactionary senators are praised for stripping truly stimulative spending -- spending that will not only get America working, but which will have massive long-term benefits for our crumbling, failing educational infrastructure -- from a bill that is supposed to create jobs. Because on Earth, you'd think that any politician who proudly trumpeted his or her opposition to kids and jobs would get crucified.

Now, there's still hope -- the President spoke forcefully about the virtue of school construction at his presser last night, and David Axelrod did the same on Maddow. But Americans are going to need to put pressure on their elected representatives if they want to keep the stimulus in the stimulus.

Bizarro stimulus bad!