From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Margaret and Helen speak for me
Margaret lives in Maine, Helen lives in Texas. They're 80-something spitfires who maintain their own must-read blog and aren’t timid about letting loose with salty language. Here are a few of their "concepts we think most everyone could get behind if that fat ass Rush wasn’t blocking the view":
HELEN: We want the best healthcare system in the world, but we don’t want it to be the most expensive.
MARGARET: When we say healthcare we mean Vision Care too. Howard says if I turn the coffee maker on one more time without the pot in place he is going to trade me in.
HELEN: No child should go to bed hungry and no parent with a sick child should have to worry about not having health insurance.
MARGARET: And no child should ever play with plastic wrap. It is not a toy.
HELEN: The tax on cigarettes should be about $10... per cigarette.
MARGARET: I think smokers should have to smoke the entire cigarette...or eat their butts.
HELEN: Religion has no place in politics and politics has no place in the bedroom.
MARGARET: But a bedroom full of religious politicians is an Ass Hat Convention waiting to happen!
HELEN: When I call an American company and ask to speak to the help desk, that desk should be in America damn it.
MARGARET: When I call my neighbor Bernice even though her name is Lucille, she shouldn’t get all upset about it. I’m old. It happens.
HELEN: If war is your answer, then you were obviously too stupid to answer the question.
MARGARET: Stay in school.
HELEN: To all the young people out there. The only way to guarantee that you won’t get pregnant is not to have sex. But if you are going to have sex and don’t want to get pregnant, use protection. Honestly, it’s not that difficult to understand.
MARGARET: Wear a seat belt even if you are just going to the store. Most accidents happen within 5 miles of home.
HELEN: At the intersection of all the major world religions, you will find the Golden Rule. It’s a place where you will never run into Limbaugh, Coulter or Palin. We all should have directions to that intersection.
If you'll adopt me as an honorary grandson, ladies, I promise to come over and massage your gams.
Thanks, unions, for giving us the weekend! Much obliged. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 27, 2009
Note: I'm using a teleprompter tonight. If you don’t like it, then... then... er... ["HEY! Scroll the #@#!&! thing down!"] ...then balls to you.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Star Trek: 42
Days `til the Wakulla Wildlife Festival in Florida: 6
Number of governor's offices that have been the victims of a fake anthrax scare since 2001: 50
(Source: L.A. Times via The Week)
Percent of Parade magazine readers who say the color-coded terror-alert system makes them feel safer: 21%
Percent of Americans who say spring is their favorite season: 38% (versus 27% for summer, 28% for fall and 6% for winter)
(Source: USA Today)
Number of screws installed in Lance Armstrong's broken collarbone: 12
(Source: MSNBC)
And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,572
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Welcome home!!!
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CHEERS to Kossack idea factories. The organizing elves at Netroots Nation are hard at work on the agenda (we assume it's a far-left liberal smear-merchant agenda) for August's big event in Pittsburgh. And the door is still open for you to put your stamp on it in flashing energy-efficient neon lights. From our in-box:
Two weeks ago, we asked you to tell us what kinds of sessions you want to attend at Netroots Nation in Pittsburgh. Some of you have already responded to our call for submissions (thanks to those who have), but there's still time to submit your idea!
The deadline for submitting proposals is this coming Tuesday, March 31. Just click here to fill out the short form. You don't have to be a front-pager or executive director to submit a proposal. We want this year's agenda to reflect your interests, be it healthcare, the environment or the economy. Thanks for helping us create the most well-rounded agenda possible!
Karen, Nolan, Mary and Raven
Also don’t forget to register. You'll have a mind-bogglingly amazing time there (the convention, I mean, not the registration page). As a special bonus, I'll be giving piggyback rides from the hotel to the conference center until the convention ends or I pop a vertebrae, whichever comes first. I have a sneaky suspicion which one is going to come first. I hope they serve daiquiris in the ICU.
JEERS to a day at the worst circus ever. I couldn’t believe the dodge 'n weave act I saw yesterday when Norah O'Donnell grilled a smug, smirking Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN) about the lack of numbers in the Republican party's pitiful excuse for a budget plan. Given the seriousness of the crisis we're in, this 19-page "document"---reproduced using sophisticated carbon-paper technology---is insulting, embarrassing, and so childish it made second-graders roll their eyes. Here are the highlights of their 10-point "Roadmap to Irrelevance":
- Eliminate the estate tax
- Drill, baby Drill
- Ban the gays
- Increase gun ownership
- [TBA]
- [TBA]
- [TBA]
- Oh! Destroy the unions!
- [TBA]
- Bomb stuff
They'll release their expanded plan next week, once they've gotten approval from Rush Limbaugh. (Don’t forget to wipe the dirt off your knees when you're done, Congressmen.)
CHEERS to embracing the dark side. Tomorrow night at 8:30, you can get an idea of what it looks like inside Glenn Beck's mind when cities and homes around the world draw attention to global warming by going dark for Earth Hour:
[It] began in Sydney in 2007, when 2.2 million homes and businesses switched off their lights for one hour. In 2008 the message had grown into a global sustainability movement, with 50 million people switching off their lights. Global landmarks such as the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, Rome’s Colosseum, the Sydney Opera House and the Coca Cola billboard in Times Square all stood in darkness.
This year organizers expect a record number of people to shut off their lights (yes, that includes lava lamps!) for Earth Hour. And in a related story, emergency rooms will be double-staffed to handle an expected record number of people seeking treatment after colliding with walls and lampposts between 8:30 and 9:30 tomorrow---an annual observance doctors call "Fat Lip Hour."
P.S. Shame on the organizers for pushing this year's gimmicky "vote" theme too far, proclaiming: "Switching off your lights is a vote for Earth, or leaving them on is a vote for global warming." That's not necessarily true---plenty of environmentally-conscious people might have to keep their lights on for perfectly legitimate reasons. Leave the 'false choice' tactic to the Republicans, please. It just looks silly when progressives try it.
CHEERS to delivering a big brown turd to Bill-O's door. Several thousand emails have gone out to Bill O'Reilly's advertisers, protesting the stalking of Think Progress's Amanda Terkel by one of his goons last weekend. Lo and behold, it's having an effect, as a major sponsor announces that Ferretface is guilty of Unacceptable Public Stalking:
Thank you for sending an e-mail expressing concern about UPS advertising during the Bill O'Reilly show on FOX News. We do consider such comments as we review ad placement decisions which involve a variety of news, entertainment and sports programming. At this time, we have no plans to continue advertising during this show.
You can help Think Progress pour on the pressure with other sponsors---just click here. Y'know, it's endlessly fascinating to watch O'Reilly pick fights he can't win. All he's done here is give Think Progress a massive amount of free publicity while drawing attention to his sleazy tactics and journalistic dishonesty. His public feud with Al Franken sent Franken's book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them to the top of the best-seller list; his public feud with Keith Olbermann caused a spike in Countdown's ratings; and his public feud with Daily Kos increased both traffic and user registrations. If I didn’t know any better I'd swear he was the one getting paid by George Soros to help Democrats win. Psst...Bill: start a feud with me next! Please!!
CHEERS to famous firsts in the land of Ringy Dingies. On March 27, 1884, the first telephone line connecting Boston and New York went live. It was soon followed by the first introduction of telephone "poles" between Boston and New York, mainly because people's horses kept tripping over the damn thing.
JEERS to pills with gills. Hello, friends! Say, do you suffer from high blood pressure? Elevated cholesterol? Depression? Allergies? Seizures? Or do you suffer from all of these things simultaneously? Well, here's the solution you've been waiting for! Just take two fish and call me in the morning:
Prescription drugs used to treat depression, high blood pressure, seizures and other ailments are turning up in fish caught downstream from a Chicago sewage treatment plant, according to a new study that highlights some unintended consequences of our medicated lives. Little is known about the potential effects on people and wildlife, but scientists and regulators increasingly are concerned about long-term exposure to drugs in the water, even at very low levels.
Here's a simple test to gauge whether or not your fish might be overmedicated: if it experiences dizziness, vomiting or an erection that lasts for more than four hours, toss it back.
JEERS to the weaklingest former boxer in the history of the sport. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Harry Reid. First he chastises his Democratic base for having the audacity to point out that the "moderate" wing of the party is helping Republicans more than Democrats. Then he admits that he's a Jedi master in the art of shitty judgment for finally figuring out that---.[smacks forehead!]---Chief Justice John Roberts is a lying sack of conservative activist shit. Commenter "KC45s" sums up our Senate Majority Wussie with the best line of the day:
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To paraphrase an old MASH joke: "I honestly think Harry Reid could be held up through the mail."
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We're so lucky to have him.
CHEERS to the great American couch potato. Some suggestions for what to watch on your picture box this weekend. Tonight on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher's panel includes Bill Bradley, Christopher "Hic!" Hitchens, Mos Def, and Salman Rushdie. New DVD releases include the animated Bolt, the entertaining but lesser Bond entry Quantum of Solace, the intellectual Stephen Hawking and the Theory of Everything (I hear it involves pie). Also some flick called Fling---I'm not sure which adulterer it's about: McCain, Gingrich or Vitter, but it sounds exciting! Plus: President Obama will be on Face the Nation Sunday. And, of course, there's lots of hoops, hoops, hoops. Me, I'll be watching Oliver Stone's W with a bowl of popcorn in one hand and a shoe in the other.
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Five years ago in C&J: March 27, 2004
CHEERS to DeLay's early departure. Tom the Cockroach may have to step down temporarily because of a Texas Grand Jury "Raaaaaid!" into campaign finance shenanigans. The time off will give him a chance to enjoy his favorite hobbies: kicking puppies, shaking down kids for their milk money, and short-sheeting nursing home beds.
JEERS to Bush humor. Knee-slapper at Radio & Television Correspondents Association dinner: "Those Weapons of Mass destruction have got to be somewhere." Bet that's just crackin' up the coffin-receivers at Dover AFB.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the legacy of humankind (link via Gerald Weinand, so blame him). Once upon a time, after the Great War of the Apocalypse and Rapture Party/Pie Fight, Earth became silent and uninhabited. Long after the smoldering cities crumbled into nondescript mounds of weed-covered rubble, a spaceship from Planet [Unpronounceable symbol] touched down on its mission to map the surface of our once-thriving home. While exploring the region formerly known as New England, the visitors happened upon a laptop computer buried in the dirt. After cautiously sending their helper drone to open it, the PC beeped, paused, and then flickered to life! Amazingly, it was still connected to the one and only web page that was still live after the thousands of years that had passed since President Jindal accidentally sat on the red missile-launch button in the Situation Room. Surely the last inhabitant on the planet left this page open to show future visitors a representation of the glorious civilization that had once spanned the globe. The [Unpronounceable symbol]-ians put on their quintuple-focal glasses, peered at the screen, scrolled down...and fled for their lives!!! The End.
Have a great weekend. Maybe take a bath with your friends. Floor's open...What were you cheering and jeering about today?
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