From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Republican Mad Libs
No doubt about it---the GOP knows how to scream "Danger!!!" better than anyone. But how do they do it so effectively? It's simple, really, and you, too, can convince people they should be scared of their own shadow. Just pick a phrase from List A, another from List B, and one from List C. Here...try it:
List A
A public option in health care reform
Curbing CO2 emissions
Gay marriage
Public funding of stem cell research
Immigration reform that doesn’t include mass deportations
Talking with our adversaries
Releasing the report/study/memo/photos
Restoring Clinton-era tax rates on multi-millionaires
Enacting tighter regulations in the financial sector
Investigating "enhanced interrogation techniques"
Closing down offshore tax loopholes
Actually listening to ordinary Americans
Anything President Obama does
will...
List B
Tear at the fabric of
Have a chilling effect on
Ignite a firestorm of woe upon
Erode the foundation of
Wreak incalculable havoc on
Lead us down a dark and dangerous path toward destroying
Lead us down a slippery slope on the way to bankrupting
Plunge a dagger into the very heart of
Unleash destruction on
Tear a giant hole in
Break the back of
Have devastating consequences on
Forever doom
List C
Our society
This great nation
Our national security
The family structure
Small businesses
Democracy as we know it
Our children!
Our children's children!
Our children's children's children! (etc.)
The Judeo Christian values on which this country was founded
The Homeland/Fatherland/Motherland
Everything we hold sacred
Our ability to prevent the socialists from taking over
Our vital institutions
My chances of getting re-elected
And, if you're feeling frisky, you can add a rhetorical flourish:
List D
Just wait---you'll see! And then you'll come crawling back to me!
I weep for my country!
My people don't want to secede from the U.S., but...we may have no choice.
This is the worst thing that's happened in the history of the world!
It's time to start stocking up on food and water. And gunnnnns.
Gosh darn it!
Also!!!
See? It's easy! And with a little practice you, too, can put yourself on a dark and dangerous slippery slope of woe as a Republican doomsayer. Not sure why you'd want to, but it's always nice to have options.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 14, 2009
Note: Oh, just a heads-up: Cabernet Sauvignon and Dubble Bubble are a terrible combination.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til TV signals go all-digital: 29
Days `til the 2009 Sasquatch Festival at the Gorge Amphitheatre in George, Washington: 9
Drop in consumer borrowing in March, the steepest since 1990: -5.2%
(Source: USA Today)
Percent increase in Advil PM sales during the four-week period ending March 22, compared with the same period a year ago: 16%
(Source: New York Times via The Week)
Percent of Americans who drink coffee: 54%
(Source: National Coffee Association of USA)
Amount a flawless 7.03-carat blue diamond sold for Tuesday at auction: $9.5 million
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Setting aside that Pat Buchanan is a racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic anti-Semite, what wonderful news from New Hampshire! It's the nuts! It's the berries!
Yes, well, that is rather a large mound of manure there connected with his name, much of it justified, I'm afraid. There's even more---he defends old Nazis or something.
But since Buchanan has just sent the entire Republican Establishment and half the Democratic Establishment as well into a wall-eyed, blue-bellied snit, what can we do but rejoice?
---February, 1996, after Buchanan's primary win
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The photo that finally brought down Miss Canine USA California.
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CHEERS to unexpected solutions to major problems. President Obama, whom I've been losing a wee bit of respect for every day lately (my approval of him has plummeted to 89 percent), flip-flopped by saying that the release of more torture photos, a move he originally supported, may be a tad premature. The reason:
Pentagon spokesman Geoff Morrell said military "commanders are concerned about the impact the release of these photos would have for the troops in Afghanistan and Iraq," and that [Defense Secretary] Gates shares their concerns.
Okay, that makes sense, I guess. So here's my solution. First, pull our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan so they're safe. Second, give everyone in the region a free penlight keychain. Then, once steps one and two are complete, release the photos in accordance with the Freedom of Information Act and publicly apologize to the world for the way the Bush administration acted like a deranged pack of bloodthirsty back-alley rodents. I think it'll work, because you know what they say: "Help a man find his keyhole tonight, and tomorrow everything will be all right." (In the interest of full transparency, "they" is me and the dog. Mostly the dog.)
JEERS to busted speakers. What did Pelosi know and when did she know it? An aide says she knew the Cheney administration was torturing prisoners in the name of the United States of America back in February, 2003. This directly contradicts her assertion that, "I knew nnnnnothing! I saw nnnnnnothing!" I know what I'm getting her for Christmas this year: gingko biloba and a pair of glasses.
JEERS to the death penalty. Because---say it with me, for the thousandth time---it's NOT FOOLPROOF:
A former death row inmate in Tennessee has been cleared of murder, three years after the Supreme Court raised repeated questions about his conviction. ... [Paul] House's appeal was championed by the Innocence Project, affiliated with the Cardozo School of Law in New York. "In the three years since the U.S. Supreme Court stepped into this case and sent it back to the trial court, substantial additional DNA testing and further investigation have shown that he is innocent," said Peter Neufeld, the group's co-director.
The guy had been in prison for 22 years. The state issued a brief note to Mr. House: "We extend our sincerest 'Oopsie.'" Tossing in a few Denny's coupons was a nice touch.
CHEERS to Super Chuck and Warnerman! Senators Schumer of New York and Warner of Virginia are steamed because a bunch of unscrupulous predators are ignoring the Do-Not-Call list and badgering people into buying bogus auto warranties and other sham products via robocalls. To determine the extent of the problem, Schumer and Warner say they plan to call everyone on the list and offer them 20 percent off their next muffler if they'll answer a brief 53-question survey. And since they're such a busy senators, they'll have to squeeze them in between 1am and 4am. That's not a problem, is it?
JEERS to the wrong stuff. It's always exciting---!!!!!---when we get to add fresh fodder to our giant, throbbing C&J "Archives of Surprise." Here are some more economic whoopsies we scraped off the floor:
Retail sales fell 0.4 percent last month, worse than the flat performance many economists had expected, the Commerce Department reported Wednesday.
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The economic crisis is hitting the E.U. even harder than its economists predicted in January. According to a new European Commission forecast, the "E.U. is not spared" from the "deepest and most widespread recession in the postwar era." European economies will continue to contract, with unemployment expected to reach nearly 11% by 2010.
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"The increasing foreclosures will force RealtyTrac to rethink its forecasts, according to Sharga. "We had been predicting 3.4 million filings for the year," he said, "but we'll blow those numbers out of the water."
Lest you think we're nothing but Nervous Nellies, we also look for "better-than-expected" numbers to post. We might've even found some today, but our microscope's in the shop.
CHEERS to Gone with the Wind: 2009. When I was a kid growing up in Mount Vernon, Ohio, a tornado touched down near the park where we were playing minor league ball. It scared the crap out of us and, even worse, ripped my baseball cap off my head and ran off with it. Suffice it to say when I have the occasional dream about twisters, it's not pleasant. But we're still fascinated by 'em, which is why tonight we'll be tuning in to the National Geographic Channel to watch some mad scientists try to get close enough to kiss one:
[Tim] Samaras’ risky two-part mission is to first deploy scientific devices inside and outside a storm in hopes of gathering a 3-D snapshot of information that could improve tornado warnings, and then measure the impact of hail strikes to help passenger jet manufacturer Boeing improve aircraft safety. Braving unpredictable tornados, flooded gravel roads, downed power lines, lightening strikes and flying debris, Samaras’ team takes its chances on the next big superstorm looming overhead to get the data they need.
Next week they'll explore another phenomenon that twists and spins and blows lots of hot air as it wreaks havoc on the heartland: Cantor/Romney/Jeb!/McCain & Co.'s National Council for a New America tour. Talk about nightmares.
CHEERS to the original Jedi Master. George Lucas turns 65 today---that's 435 in Yoda years. Just under half of my life savings have been given to his empire over the years in exchange for movie tickets, action figures, trading cards, DVDs, Pez dispensers and comic books---yes, even the Han Solo Frozen-in-Carbonite ice cube trays. Hope he was disciplined enough to sock some of it away. We hear Social Security doesn’t go as far as it used to.
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Five years ago in C&J: May 14, 2004
CHEERS to Ohio. Latest ARG poll has Kerry up by 7 in Buckeye State---and he hasn't even opened an office there yet. Oh My-O!
JEERS to Pat "Two Face" Buchanan. Joins Grover "Dick" Norquist and Phyllis "Dick" Schlafly on CNBC to give Kerry campaign last rites...then runs over to MSNBC minutes later to tell Chris Matthews why Kerry has "golden opportunity" to beat Bush. At least your necktie was consistent.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to well-placed righteous indignation. One year ago, Keith Olbermann delivered one of his most stinging indictments of President Bush's little Iraq adventure. You can read it here. His last few lines are virtual poetry:
The war in Iraq -- your war, Mr. Bush -- is about how you accomplished the derangement of two nations, and how you helped funnel billions of taxpayer dollars to lascivious and perennially thirsty corporations like Halliburton and Blackwater, and how you sent 4,000 Americans to their deaths -- for nothing.
It is not, Mr. Bush, about your golf game!
[I]f you have any hopes that next January 20th will not be celebrated as a day of soul-wrenching, heart-felt Thanksgiving because your faithless stewardship of this presidency will have finally come to a merciful end, this last piece of advice:
When somebody asks you, sir, about Democrats who must now pull this country back from the abyss you have placed us at...
When somebody asks you, sir, about the cooked books and faked threats you foisted on a sincere and frightened nation...
When somebody asks you, sir, about your gallant, noble, self-abnegating sacrifice of your golf game so as to soothe the families of the war dead...
This advice, Mr. Bush...
Shut the hell up!
I only wish he'd given Cheney the same advice.
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"My dog is smarter than Bill in Portland Maine."
---Joe Biden
5/10/09
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