Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Note: Just a quick memo to my future self which I hope I'll read at 9:13pm on July 14, 2032: IT'S A TRAP! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! (But don’t forget to tape The Simpsons.)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next total solar eclipse (viewable in Asia): 8
Days `til the Mile High Music Festival in Commerce City, CO: 4
Number of the 16.1 million Americans who served in World War II who are still alive: 2.6 million
Rate at which WWII veterans are dying annually: 300,000
(Source: Dept. of Veterans Affairs via The Week)
Percent of Americans who trust "completely" or "somewhat" claims about products from people they know: 90%
Percent who trust the claims from ads shown before movies: 52%
(The Nielsen Company via Joe Trippi's blog)
Number of U.S. state quarters with a dairy cow on it: 1 (Wisconsin)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Your Lord and Savior–BO, is the lowest pile of excrement that has ever set foot in the White House, and when he’s finished rendering the United States into a panic-ridden landmass that has lost all identity of having ever been a nation, idiotic miscreants like YOU will still be singing his praises and railing against sanity and civility.
---Commenter "Atheling" at the Michelle Malkin blog
All together now: One...two...three... Classy!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Good Tuesday
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CHEERS to second thoughts. Well, golly, no one could've guessed that a tidal wave of bad press and possible lawsuits would've nudged Philadelphia's Valley Club into opening their pool back up to the mostly-minority Creative Steps kids. The tony club originally said that they cancelled Creative Steps's contract "because of safety, crowding and noise concerns, not racism." So now the kids can play in the...um...unsafe, overcrowded, noisy pool again. Yay?
CHEERS to getting under the right's skin. Ever hear of a site called Newsbusters? It seems to be a place where bitter people go to nitpick and cry. Apparently one of their generals stumbled into C&J, and gave us a special shoutout yesterday for our coverage of the military's proposal to phase out the use and sale of tobacco in the military. We're touched (not in a David Brooks kind of way), but disappointed that the author, Mr. Tim Graham, left out this important nugget that we quoted from USA Today, which kinda served as the lynchpin for our exaggerated "warmongering" idea:
Troops worn out by repeated deployments often rely on cigarettes as a "stress reliever." The study found that tobacco use in the military increased after the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan began. ... Combat veterans are 50% more likely to use tobacco than troops who haven't seen combat.
And while we're at it, we'll give 'em a bonus snip to suck on:
Tobacco use costs the Pentagon $846 million a year in medical care and lost productivity, says the report, which used older data. The Department of Veterans Affairs spends up to $6 billion in treatments for tobacco-related illnesses, says the study, which was released late last month.
But at least the commenters on the Newsbusters site reacted to my mock suggestion to "invade" RJ Reynolds by taking the high road:
Be sure and let us know when you're coming so we can take careful aim to provide the proper welcome you liberally deserve.
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... bring your wine sippin', heart bleedin', candy-asses down south and wage your little war on tobacco. We'll show you what an ass-whuppin' is!
So what these nitwits seem to be saying is that the devastating effects of their beloved crop on the health of our men and women in uniform (and their families) is A-OK. They seem to be saying that, contrary to the signs they hoist and slogans they chant at their little teabagger parties, it's just dandy to waste billions of dollars on something that is preventable. But worst of all...Mr. Graham misspelled "whimsy." You, suh---[Slap! Slap!]---I say, you suh, have gone too fah! Super Soakers at 20 paces tomorrow at sunrise. Bring witnesses.
JEERS to scaredy cats. Here's a bit of proof demonstrating that it isn’t just our current Congress that's a card or two short of a full deck. On July 14, 1798, Congress passed the Sedition Act, which made it illegal to say bad stuff about the government. From Joseph Cummins' book, Anything for a Vote:
People weren't even safe in the neighborhood bar---A New Jersey tavern patron was arrested and fined for drunkenly noting that the president had, to put it indelicately, a big ass.
The penalty for sedition was "...a fine not exceeding two thousand dollars, and by imprisonment not exceeding two years." If that were the case today, so many of us would be considered seditionistas that we'd be having the Netroots Nation convention behind bars. As opposed to where we usually have it: in bars. But just to be sure the law was indeed rescinded in 1802, I'll now conduct my usual test: "THE PRESIDENT HAS A FAT ASS!" And now...we wait.
CHEERS to the new doc on the block. Ohhhh...she's a keeper! President Obama announced his nominee for the nation's new Surgeon General, Dr. Regina Benjamin. This is from her bio at the MacArthur Foundation, which bestowed one of its "Genius Grants" on her last year:
In 1990, she founded the Bayou La Batre Rural Health Clinic to serve the Gulf Coast fishing community of Bayou La Batre, Alabama, a village of approximately 2,500 residents devastated twice in the past decade by Hurricanes Georges, in 1998, and Katrina, in 2005. Despite scarce resources, Benjamin has painstakingly rebuilt her clinic after each disaster and set up networks to maintain contact with patients scattered across multiple evacuation sites. She has established a family practice that allows her to treat all incoming patients, many of whom are uninsured, and frequently travels by pickup truck to care for the most isolated and immobile in her region. Benjamin is skilled, as well, in translating research on preventive health measures into accessible, community-based interventions to decrease the disease burdens of her diverse patient base, which includes immigrants from Vietnam, Cambodia, and Laos, who comprise a third of Bayou La Batre’s population.
I think she'll be awesome if...IF...Obama gives her big bully pulpit and a lot of leeway. (Unlike the last guy, who locked his SG in the White House basement with a crate of beef jerky and yellowed back issues of Amputation Digest.) I hope she knows the Seven Words That Drive Conservatives Crazy: Condoms, Plan-B, Masturbation, Choice, IUDs, Bristol and Levi.
CHEERS to the Tooter-in-Chief. Nixon pardon or no Nixon pardon, every year that goes by makes Gerald Ford look like a bleeding-heart liberal compared to the GOP goons wandering in the wilderness now. Today is the late cover-boy model and U.S. president's 96th birthday. If for nothing else, we salute him for this (from Cormac O'Brien's book, Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents):
Lyndon Johnson once claimed that Gerald Ford was too dumb `to walk and fart at the same time.' Perhaps. But Ford could definitely fart while standing still, which he apparently did with alarming frequency and abandon. According to his Secret Service detail, the president would loudly let one loose and then always attempt to put the blame on one of them with indignant remarks like, "Jesus, did you do that? Show a little class."
Pay your respects here. Or at least wave from a distance.
CHEERS to getting mad as hell and not taking it anymore. Sacre Bleu! Today is Bastille Day, commemorating the important lesson the French learned 220 years ago, but which we Americans still haven't: it is better for the government to fear the people than it is for the people to fear the government. Thus they get two months of vacation, shorter work hours, universal health care, and a fresh beret every three months. Today you'll find us hoisting a ladder up to our neighbor's bedroom window, grabbing a pair of their underwear and sending it up the ol' flagpole. Because we refuse to break our daily routine just because it's a French holiday.
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Five years ago in C&J: July 14, 2004
JEERS to flip-floppers with Austrian accents. During his campaign, Governor Schwarzenegger criticized special-interest groups such as utilities, drug companies and insurance companies. Now AP reports he's raised over $10 million in political contributions since taking office, mainly from utilities, drug companies and insurance companies. My, what a quick learner.
CHEERS to Ken Jennings. Passes $1 million mark after winning 30 times on `Jeopardy.' Paging Charles van Doren---we smell a rat.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to what a "complete meltdown" looks like. Ordinarily I wouldn’t give Hitler any valuable time or space here. But in the hands of the Funny-or-Die crowd, his reaction to Sarah Palin's resignation is a thing of apoplectic beauty. There there, Li'l Corporal...you'll always have Eva. And Goebbels also.
Have a great Tuesday. Be cute. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Calling each other "Mommy" and "Bill in Portland Maine" in the bedroom may be one of the last sex fantasies people are reluctant to confess.
---Brian Alexander
MSNBC
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