Cheers and Jeers: Thursday

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Keeping It Civil

The conservative Christians in Maine, along with their carpetbagger allies from Michigan, California and elsewhere, have apparently gathered the 55,000 signatures needed to put our marriage equality law---passed by the legislature and signed by our governor after getting massive input from citizens on both sides last spring---to a statewide vote in November. The Maine Sunday Telegram opines:

The debate in the Maine Legislature showed that even this emotional issue can be discussed with civility and respect for opposing views. As the fall campaign heats up in Maine, let's hope that tone can be maintained, and voters will be given the respect that they deserve.

Yes, let's maintain that civil tone. Just like Michael Heath, one of the top leaders of the repeal movement, is doing. He's setting the bar mighty high:

Homosexuality and other forms of aberrant behavior are on proud display in Portland, home of Maine's "Gay Pride" parade, with its seven hundred foot long Rainbow Flag. The Rainbow Flag is everywhere in Portland. Certain bars cater exclusively to homosexuals, including the club called Styxx, shown at below right.

Trash collectors are apparently overwhelmed in Portland. City streets were pristine in 2002, much cleaner than say, Manhattan or Chicago. Now litter and household trash is seen in every part of town, and when the wind blows, the garbage is simply blown down the streets. ... Evidence of crime is often seen, as in the photo below, where a smash and run burglar has smashed out the windows of a parked Audi. ...

These photos taken on an average day in Portland are meant to illustrate the fact that the call for same sex marriage and other forms of sexual immorality is not happening in isolation. It is part and parcel of a society which calls itself progressive. But is it really progressive? Is it even Maine? These days, Portland looks like somebody put the city in reverse, and stepped on the gas.

Don't think for a second that our descent from a Norman Rockwellesque hamlet to a coastal garbage dump hasn't gone unnoticed. Why, just this year Portland was savaged by Forbes for what we've become: America's Most Livable City. And just a few years ago we were dragged through the mud by Outside Online, which coudn't resist kicking us while we were down by smearing us as one of America's Dream Towns.

We hang our collective heads in shame. If we weren't running around willy nilly not getting gay-married left and right from 2002 until today, maybe none of this wouldn't have not happened.

Anyway. I hope it's not too uncivil of me to ask that you consider donating to my new online political action committee, Exclusive Maine Homosexual Bar Catering Audi Smashers for Gay Marriage when it goes live. Until then, please support Maine Freedom to Marry. They're great people. But, unlike Michael Heath, terrible garbage flingers.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, July 16, 2009

Note:  I'm resigning as Governor of C&J (I'll retain my title of Viceroy, though) so that I can more effectively serve you and all of our nation's citizens.  Specifically, so I can serve you as appetizers to my new alien overlords.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Netroots Nation convention starring Meteor Blades and Ed Begley, Jr., August 13-16 in Pittsburgh: 28
Days til the 44th annual Yarmouth Clam Festival: 1
Percent of drivers in a roadside survey who had blood alcohol levels of .08 percent or higher in 1973: 7.5%
Percent who did in 2007: 2.2%
(Source: National Highway Traffic Safety Administration)
Minimum number of bald eagles struck by U.S. aircraft since 1990: 147
Number known to have survived: 9
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number known to have filed a class-action lawsuit, resulting in an award of two tons of fresh salmon: 1
(Source: Wrongipedia)

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

I don’t know how the political world looks to you, but it seems to me in my lifetime liberals have been right about three important things.  We were right about race.  We were right about Vietnam.  And, by 1980, when our deficit was $50 billion dollars (!) under Jimmy Carter, I thought: "Gosh, maybe we should let the conservatives run things for awhile.  At least they understand the bottom line."

Two trillion dollars of debt later, I was not quite so persuaded.  That was the last time I ever thought the conservatives should be in charge.

---August, 2001

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  Saved!!!

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CHEERS to finding a pulse.  A day after the House unveiled a health care reform plan that includes a strong public option, the Senate I May Need For To Request Some Assistance Please (HELP) Committee followed suit with one of their own---including 160 Republican amendments---that makes coverage "undeniable, available and affordable."  Meanwhile the DNC is going to start running an ad that puts a human face on the shortcomings of our health care system.  They "will run on national and District of Columbia cable as well as local stations in ME, AR, IN, FL, LA,  ND, NE and OH, calling on Senators in those states to support reform."  I think it's pretty good.  Oh, by the way, I won’t sign off on any plan unless it guarantees that my hospital-room filet mignon will always be bacon-wrapped.  My line in the sand.

JEERS to idle hands.  If you want to click this link and get hit in the face with more bad economic news from a Federal Reserve report released yesterday, that's up to you.  Or, you can just listen to what Paul Krugman has to say (approximation):

"This is bad.  This is really, really bad.  It's...it's...it's bad.  Bad bad bad.  Just bad.  Really, really bad.  Baaaaaaaaad.  Oh, very bad.  Not 'naughty' bad but 'bad' bad.  Y'know, its not entirely hopeless, there are a few signs that things might not be freefalling as fast as they were.  But this is bad.  Seriously bad.  I, uh...I, uh...it's bad.  Really, really bad."

And that's just his opinion of the cover sheet.

CHEERS to booster shots.  After five delays due to, respectively, weather, weather, weather, weather and locking the keys in the cockpit, the sixth time was the charm for the Space Shuttle Endeavour yesterday.  A transcript of the event:

"We have liftoff! Shuttle Endeavour has begun its two-week mission to link up with the International Space Station."

"Uh, Mission Control?  This is Commander Polansky."

"Roger, Commander.  Go ahead."

"Uh...we're all standing right behind y'all here."

"Oh.  Hi, Mark.  So...who's in the craft?"

"Beats me."

"Shuttle Endeavor, this is Mission Control. Do you read me?"

"Moo."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a problem."

I knew this was gonna happen when they slashed the security budget.

P.S.  Today is the 40th anniversary of the blastoff of Apollo 11, which climaxed with Neil Armstrong's immortal words from the moon: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for...  Mmmm!  It's cheddar!"

CHEERS to Soniapalooza...Day 3!  Fearless prediction: after today's hearings have concluded, Judge Sotomayor will dominate the Republicans on the Judiciary Committee so wholly that she'll escort them out of the chamber on a leash and take them for walkies.  Can we get a vote already?

CHEERS to Rep. Patrick Murphy.  The Congressman who is taking the point on getting the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy overturned spent some time in an online chat at Americablog yesterday.  This exchange tells you what kind of legislator he is:

Q: Thank you Congressmen Murphy for your service and your leadership on this issues.  Are you concerned about the mid term elections delaying any momentum of a repeal of DADT and is there sense if this is not accomplished this year, that it might have to wait.

A: A lot of folks are asking me if this is in the best interests of my political future, especially considering I only won my first election by 0.6%. But too often in Washington people worry about keeping their own seats safe as compared to doing the right thing and bringing about the change our country needs. So in this matter specifically, national security and equality trump political expediency.

And damn if we don’t need more like him.

JEERS to buying your way to the top.  Dick Morris, who may or may not still be sucking hookers' toes (I'll assume he is until he can prove he's not and even then I'll be skeptical of his proof...a tactic I learned from Republicans), has co-"written" a new Obama-bashing book in what seems like record time.  "Catastrophe" (catchy!) zoomed up to the top of the New York Times bestseller list in its first week.  Wowie Zowie!  But, of course, if you look carefully, you'll see the little (+) symbol that indicates "bulk orders."  In fact, Morris and his publisher maxed out so many credit cards that it's got TWO of 'em!  But, hey, now he can print "#1 New York Times Bestseller" on future editions.  Moral of the story: no loophole on earth ever goes unthreaded.

CHEERS to clashing mashies. The British Open begins today at Turnberry, Scotland.  To level the playing field, Tiger Woods will spot the rest of the field twenty strokes and play with nothing more than a spatula taped to a stick.  Aw hell, just give him the trophy and go have a pint.

JEERS to fucked-up priorities.  BiPM writes a letter:

Dear Sudan,

You mean to tell me that you have nothing better to do than flog your women because they wear trousers?  Really?  No, seriously...REALLY???

With all due respect, flogging is what Captain Bligh did on the Bounty two hundred years ago.  And he ended up in a dinghy with midshipman Stinky McBoogerflicker.  So knock off the bullshit lashings and join the 21st century.  Heck, you'll be advancing your society by leap years if you can at least act like it’s the 1970s.

Flogging your women.  Really?

Sincerely,

Bill in Portland Maine

P.S. Now, if you catch 'em mixing stripes and plaids?  You give 'em the evil eye...all damn day.

Two stamps oughtta be enough, right?

CHEERS to real-life scenes even Monty Python couldn’t have dreamed up.  As I write this, some guy is operating a jackhammer across the street...about ten feet away from the speaker of the Burger King drive-thru menu board.  The guy in the red SUV has been parked in front of it trying to order a Croissan'wich for 25 minutes and is now slumped over the wheel sobbing.  God bless the federal stimulus project managers for bringing levity to a weary nation at war.

CHEERS to more magic.  After a months-long delay, Warner Bros. finally released their latest celluloid ATM, Harry Potter and the Cold-Blooded Toxic Asset Peddlers.  The reviews are mostly boffo.  SPOILER ALERT!!!  Hogwarts defaults on their subprime mortgage and Dumbledore ends up forcing the kids to beg for spare change at teabagger rallies.  Meanwhile a recently-unemployed Lord Voldemort applies for a hosting gig at Fox News and is rejected because his resume is "impressive on the evil, but a little light on the crazy."  Bring your hankies.

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Five years ago in C&J: July 16, 2004

CHEERS to slipping off the leash.  Young Republican Ryan Sager smacks the rabid right with a rolled up copy of his own paper: "The Republicans have put themselves on the wrong side of a generation gap.  And it won't be easily papered over as today's young voters age into older voters---who are more likely to show up at the polls."  GOP to investigate how this guy's muzzle slipped off.

JEERS to intolerable living conditions.  U.S. drops to---[shakes head in disgust]---8th place among world's best places to live, says Herald Tribune.  We got our asses kicked by (in descending order) Norway, Sweden, Australia, Canada, Holland, Belgium and Iceland.  Of course...they're peaceful, progressive and polite.  Cheney says we invade the fuckers at dawn.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to mysteries solved.  Sonia Sotomayor is a fan of Perry Mason, but when Senator and Judiciary Committee member Al Franken (also a Mason fan) grilled her on the name of the one case that the famed TV lawyer lost, she drew a blank (and, we would add, so did Franken).  Fortunately, as her most trusted volunteer research assistant, I've got the answer:

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"The Case of the Deadly Verdict."  10/17/1963.  But it wasn't his fault. His client withheld evidence needed to win.
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Yeah yeah...that's what they all say.

Oh, and happy 42nd birthday to Will Ferrell.  I was going to create a poll asking who his best character is, but...HehHehHeh...it's no contest.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

"If I read the phrase 'You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find Bill in Portland Maine' one more time, I'm going to lose it."
---John DeVore
The Frisky.

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