From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Penalties
Soccer: Red card (Serious foul play) = ejection
Football: Intentional unnecessary contact with an official = ejection
Retirement: Early withdrawal of 401k funds = 10 percent penalty
Baseball: Unsportsmanlike conduct = ejection
Driving: Speeding = $150 (average)
Hockey: Match penalty = ejection
Jacks/Marbles/Tiddlywinks: Shoving objects up any opponent's orifice = ejection
Portland, Maine, Public Library: Not returning a book on time = 25¢ per day
Golf: Posting a score lower than recorded = Disqualification
Basketball: Two technical fouls for unsportsmanlike conduct = ejection and minimum $1,000 fine
Neocon Republicanism: Lying about and/or being completely wrong and/or incompetent and/or deceitful about WMDs, torture, terror threats and civil liberties between 2001 and 2009 = Book deals, TV appearances, regular guest columns in major newspapers and magazines, huge speaking fees, credibility and authority inside the D.C. beltway, invitations to cocktail parties, lobbying power, Twitter/Facebook stardom, and serving as "balance" on talk shows against those who didn’t lie and were completely right and competent and candid about WMDs, torture, terror threats and civil liberties between 2001 and 2009.
And I hope y'all have learned your lesson.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Note: Today's note is on vacation in the Ozarks with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. No, we weren't invited.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Festivus: 120
Days `til the Blue Hill Fair: 9
Percent of Mainers who said last October that they were worse off than a year ago: 57%
Percent who now say they're worse off than a year ago: 47%
(Source: Market Decisions survey via the Portland Press Herald)
Number of miles members of a British family traveled by solar-powered paraglider, setting a world distance record: 1,242
Height at which they traveled: 5,000 feet
(Source: Telegraph.uk)
Number of secret Kenyan births of future U.S. presidents that got phony announcements published in the Honolulu Advertiser last year: 14
(Source: A really, really, really anonymous one. Okay, it was Tom DeLay.)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
[Unintelligible babble]
---From...oh, pick a right-wing blog. Any right-wing blog will do.
All together now: One...two...three... Classy!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: (pic via Kossack Blonde Moment) Puppy chessmaster notices that he's losing to opponent who hasn’t even moved any pieces yet, grabs King, buries it in the backyard, and makes a secret vow that the rematch will be an event not easily forgotten by historians.
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CHEERS to a little R&R. President Obama and the famdamily are now resting and recreating on Martha's Vineyard. Shortly after landing, Obama made a brief plea for privacy:
"We all understand that you want to cover our comings and goings 24/7, but we ask that during our stay here that you use a little restraint so we can spend some quality time alone and... HEY, is that Carly Simon??? Carly! I love yew! Ah bet you think this song is a bow CHOO...bow CHOO...bow CHOO! Ha Ha!! And that's...James Taylor!!! Brother James! I got every song you ever wrote on my iPod, man! Hang on, I wanna get about a hundred pics and a bunch of autographs for eBay. Sign here...here...and here... can I come see your house and then follow you all around watching everything you do? Please???"
2.5 minutes---fastest restraining order ever filed in the history of the Island.
JEERS to staying put. I was hoping that on this, Sean Connery's 79th birthday, the crew of the Space Shuttle Discovery would be able to blast off this morning and yell in unison: "We shail into hishtory!!!" Unfortunately, things got weird:
Discovery was slated to blast off from a seaside launch pad here at NASA's Kennedy Space Center at 1:36 a.m. ET Tuesday, with forecasts predicting an 80 percent chance of good launch weather. But that nearly pristine forecast crumbled away late Monday as lightning, rain showers and thick clouds unexpectedly cropped up to prevent the launch. Lightning struck near the launch pad several times, at times within 5 miles, while Discovery's seven astronauts were strapped into their seats hoping for liftoff.
They'll try again at 1:10 tomorrow morning. Macaulay Culkin's birthday. Won’t be quite the same when they all yell, "Aaaahhhhhhhhh!!!"
Tentative CHEERS to a softer cell. Yesterday the Obama administration announced the creation of a High-value Detainee Interrogation Group, which will---and this sounds crazy, I know---consist of a group of people who will interrogate high-value detainees. Among other things, they'll stick to methods recommended in the Army Field manual instead of power drills, water torture and mock executions. While skeptics roll their eyes, the group has already proven its worth, as noted by this transcript of a recent interrogation secretly obtained by C&J's investigative journalism unit (she'll fetch anything for a Milk Bone):
"Cheetos?"
"Yes, please! I find them very yummy."
"Game 'o chess?"
"I would enjoy proving my superior strategic skills over yours, yes. Let's---how you say---rumble."
"Scotch or bourbon?"
"Really? Um...bourbon. Rocks. Thanks."
"Location of Osama?"
"Kabul Burger King. Second shift. Doh!!!!"
"Checkmate, buddy."
I'm hopeful.
CHEERS to throwing the bums out. Nine weeks after D-Day, on Aug. 25, 1944, Paris was liberated by the Allies during World War II. However, in his famous liberation speech Charles de Gaulle barely mentioned America or their other allies. Gee, thanks a lot. (But please don’t remind the Republicans in Congress or they'll go back to freedom fries.)
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Erick Erickson at RedState asks: "Is Glenn Beck TV’s Obi Wan Kenobi?"
Binks!
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to beautifully warped minds. Happy birthday to Director Tim Burton, who turns a sprightly 51 today. `Ed Wood' and `Beetlejuice' remain two of our all-time favorites (and I hope that next year's Alice in Wonderland lives up to its early hype), but all of his flicks are feats of imagination that boggle the average mind. If I were stranded on the proverbial desert island and could only have one Burton DVD, it'd be no contest: Mars Attacks!. Ack Ack!!
JEERS to seriously warped minds. I just had to share with you this little snippet of sweetness from a letter to the Portland Press Herald:
Thank God, after 64 years in Maine, my wife and I are moving to Texas in a few years, as the Texas Constitution permits the state to leave the Union. As for Maine, it is just going to the dogs like Massachusetts; I must admit it is because most Maine voters are too stupid to know better.
And after he hit "Send," he ventured out into the backyard to marvel at how the sun orbited around the earth with such elegant precision.
CHEERS to Band-Aids for your bumper. I missed this diary last week, so somebody gimme a few lashings with a wet noodle (Please please please!). Kossack SemDem hosted a healthcare bumper sticker contest, and you came up with some great ones. The Top 5:
- My Other Car is a Health Insurance Payment
- My Car Has Better Insurance Than I Do
- My Death Panel is an HMO
- Underinsured Baby on Board
- Hate Socialism? Repeal Medicare!!
Mine reads: "Look folks, we all know our health care system is broken. Sure, our doctors and nurses and their assistants do a fantastic job, but good lord, we're workin' 'em way too hard, spending way too much on administrative bullshit, and what the hell's up with pre-existing conditions and no portability if you lose your job? This is just nuts. So everybody get all up in your congressmembers' grills and let's fix this broken system already!" (My Honda Civic's bumper is 30 feet wide.)
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Five years ago in C&J: August 25, 2004
CHEERS to casting against type. Alan Alda joins `The West Wing' as a Republican with his eye on the White House. Boy, is he going to have to dumb himself down for that part.
CHEERS to Driving Osama bin Daisy. The evil one's personal driver, Salim Ahmed Hamdan, becomes the first detainee to be arraigned in Guantanamo. He'll likely get the severest penalty available: 20 years in line at the DMV.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to The NEW Pootie Chronicles, Part I. The C&J household is once again alive with the sound of "Mew"-sic. After putting several feline candidates at the local shelter through a vetting process as grueling as the Obama administration's, we finally decided to choose the one that bit us the least. Say hello to Fantom...aka "Fanny," so named because she has a black Phantom-style mask on her face. She's just a big ball of cuddly to us. The dog tells a different story:
Round 1 Dog: "Woof." Cat: [Whap!!!]
Round 2 Dog: [Sniff Sniff] Cat: [Whap!!!]
Round 3 Dog: [Glances at cat out of corner of eye, pretending not to look] Cat: [Whap!!!]
The diplomacy is, shall we say, in a delicate phase. Fantom is also obsessed with cleanliness. Not that I'm complaining, but it's hard to blog while you're getting a tongue bath.
And not to put too fine a point on it, but this is what Molly sees when the kitty walks by. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine dubbed 'Muck Monster'
---WPTV.com
8/21/09
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