From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
But which one, Brit? Which one???
Generically urging a Buddhist to convert to Christianity---as the Fox Conservative Opinion Channel's Brit Hume urged Tiger Woods to do Sunday on Fox Conservative Opinion Channel Sunday---is like telling a child to trade in his dependably-yummy carrots for a new vegetable. If you gorge on a really crappy one willy-nilly and it makes you throw up---I'm looking at you, Brussels sprouts---it can leave a spiritually sour taste in your mouth. So you have to pick your brand of Christianity carefully---sniff it, squeeze it, bang it on the table, see if the dog likes it, throw it in the microwave and see how long it takes before it explodes and, finally, drown it in ranch dressing and try a nibble.
Tiger must choose wisely.
I'm Episcopalian, mostly because God gave us the power and the glory to ditch the vegetables and instead put on the best pancake suppers on Earth. ("Why, yes, it is real Maine maple syrup. What's that? The Lutherans use that Mrs. Butterworth goop? And sausage patties instead of links? Heathen.") Plus we have Bishop V. Gene Robinson on our team, and I believe that makes us the coolest denomination by default.
But, in fairness, there are other options Mr. Woods might consider as he mulls his inevitable conversion, and the very best source for exploring them is, of course, Stephen Colbert's award-winning reference book, I Am America (And So Can You!):
Roman Catholicism! Catholics have saints---more than 10,000 of them. They're like God's customer service reps, and each of them has a specialty. Say you lose your wallet. You could bother the Creator to help you find it, but if you're a Catholic, just pray to St. Anthony. Finding lost things is all he does. For Eternity. Also, there are times when you might want to pray to St. Agatha. She's the patron saint of nursing and bell-making. If you're both a nurse and a bell-maker, that's one-stop shopping.
Methodism/Presbyterians Presbyterians are identical to Methodists except that one of them says "debts" instead of "trespasses" in the Lord's Prayer. Hundreds of years of bitter armed conflict has failed to resolve this difference. How many more lives must be lost?
Baptists I'm a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don’t go for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you very much.
Quakers These folks only produced two things I like---Oatmeal and Richard Nixon.
Mormonism Casual sex is really not a problem at all to these guys, even after you're married. The church wants you to have 11 kids, so sex is never going to be casual. It's going to be work.
I'm just thinking out loud here, but another idea might be for Mr. Woods to request that Mr. Hume kindly butt out and tend to the logs in his own eyes. But barring that, I say go Episcopalian. We also use real butter.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Note: Hey, y'know how there's one key on your computer that's a little more faded than the rest because it gets used most often? I just noticed that on my machine it's the "Pour" key.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Golden Globes: 10
Days `til the Santa Cruz Chocolate Festival: 17
Decline in the minimum wage in Colorado, due to a drop in the state's consumer price index in 2009: 3 cents
(Source: AP)
U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan in 2008: 155
U.S. troops killed there in 2009: 317
(Source: iCasualties.org)
Percent chance that someone who bought an ounce of gold for $850 in 1980 would have earned more if they'd put that money into an interest-bearing checking account: 100%
(Source: Bloomberg.com via The Week)
Percent chance that gold hawker Glenn Beck would ever reveal this to his viewers: 0%
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Hey Stupid! Don’t Read This. Look. Didn't I just get through telling you not to read this. What are you doing? You're just wasting your time. You think I'm going to say something important. Well I'm not. You think you should come to the news right now. But you're not going to. See! Anyone who has gone this far is either crazy or has nothing better to do. Now here you are at the end and what have you found out? Nothing!
Don’t you agree with me that you're stupid?
---Letter written by Molly at age 11. Featured in Molly Ivins: A Rebel Life by Bill Minutaglio and W. Michael Smith
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Puppy Pic of the Day: (via Kossack texknight) Al Qaeda's most feared nemesis
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CHEERS to another shot at crashing the gate. Today is the last opportunity for gay marriage to slide through the New Jersey Senate and make it to Governor Corzine's desk before his Republican replacement takes over. The vote is indeed on the schedule today. The rest, as they say, is history. The good kind, I hope.
JEERS to more than a little nip in the air. Okay, I'll say what everybody's thinking in Britain and the U.S. today: It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra face down in a snow bank. And it's gonna get worse. How much worse? Let me put it this way: if Lynn Cheney tries to spoon her husband today he may actually feel warm.
CHEERS to the Republic's BIG Moment. On January 7, 1789, the first U.S. Presidential election was held, but there was no popular vote. Instead, each state's appointees to the Electoral College got to vote twice. The top two vote-getters would become president and Veep. They picked the stoic hero George Washington and the cranky Masshole John Adams. Their first conversation: "What do we do now?" "I dunno, I thought ye knew." "Well, I thought ye knew!" "Hey, I got an ideer...let's get drunk and pee in Jefferson's desk." "We rule." "Fucketh, yeah."
CHEERS to connecting the dots. Life is all about choices, so here ya go: If you want the latest info on our fight against terrorists, click here. But if you're reasonably confident that President Obama is in control and responding competently and expeditiously to repair weaknesses in the system, and you're sick of Republicans ginning up fake outrage and stoking overblown fears, click here and connect your own dots. (The picture, by the way, is the newest addition to the TSA's body-search team. We hear some people get back in line for seconds.)
CHEERS to idle chit-chat. On this date in 1927, the first transatlantic telephone service began between New York and London. Transcript:
"Whatcha doin, mate?"
"Nothin'. What are you doing, dude?"
"Nothin'."
"Kewl. Hey, that Calvin Coolidge is so hot. He's just, like, got this Vermont chic that drives me crazy."
"Blimey...you are so right! I could just die in my kippers!"
"Hey, do you have prince Albert in a can over there?"
"Of course."
"Well let him out! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha...!!!"
[Click]
What...you were expecting Shakespeare?
CHEERS to headlines worth waking up to. In the dead tree edition of yesterday's Portland Press Herald this gem of a masthead appeared: GOP chair forecasts party failure this fall. Yeah, that would be Michael Steele, who is currently in full damage-control mode for saying that the Republican party isn’t good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people don’t like it enough to give it back the majority in the House. Steele says he's still "assessing and evaluating" the situation now. It gives him something to do as the doctor pulls the GOP shrapnel out of his butt. (Are we sure he's not a double-agent workin' for us???)
CHEERS to wacky Whigs. Happy 210th Birthday to "#13" Millard Fillmore. During his accidental presidency (thanks to Zachary Taylor's death after choking on Diet Coke and Pop Rocks), he sent Commodore Perry to open trade with Japan. He also postponed the Civil War by signing the Compromise of 1850, which added California as a free state but also established a fugitive slave law. Oh, and Queen Victoria said he was the most handsome man she'd ever laid eyes on, after which he unofficially became the first person to run a one-minute mile. Pay your respects here. He's lonely.
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Five years ago in C&J: January 7, 2005
CHEERS to getting that jerk off the air. Wow...Jon Stewart's tirade worked. Tucker Carlson has been kicked off `Crossfire,' and it looks like the whole show will now go the way of the dodo. I can't wait to start not missing it.
JEERS to banging in Bangladesh. You'll NEVER guess what caused the tsunami. It was all the gays having sex at the Asian seaside resorts! And now that you've witnessed our awesome power to destroy the world many times over...we'd like to get married, please. Or else.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Portland's version of Punxsutawney Phil. Here in Maine we predict the arrival of spring a little differently than the Pennsylvania folks do. Instead of carefully watching to see whether or not a groundhog sees his shadow, we carefully watch to see whether or not a piece of heavy equipment falls through the ice while clearing snow at our local skating pond. This year: PLOP!!! That means spring will arrive on March 20. You can set your watch by it.
Remember: whatever happens today will be excellent news for John McCain. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine...Sweaty, Glistening...Sexy?
---TMZ
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