From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Cheers, Queers!
Tidbits of wisdom as we head into the last weekend of Pride Month:
"I do not think that any self-respecting radical in history would have considered advocating people’s rights to get married, join the Army, and earn a living as a terribly inspiring revolutionary platform."
---Congressman Barney Frank, on being accused of having a "radical gay agenda," in The New Yorker
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When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one.
---Epitaph of Sgt. Leonard P. Matlovich
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If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello? Can't work today, still queer."
---Robin Tyler
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Things That Are Trying to Turn Me Gay and Their Success on A Scale of One to Ten:
Gay People---4
Throw Rugs---7
Clive Owen---8
Origami---2
Dog-whispering---6
Baby Carrots---11
---Stephen Colbert, from I Am America (And So Can You!)
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"I was traveling in Tennessee and I saw a bumper sticker that I'll never forget. It said: "HOMOSEXUAL: Every Good Southern Family Has One"
---Bishop V. Gene Robinson
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"I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaaaaaaming!"
---Homer Simpson
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I think it takes a lot of balls for heterosexuals to make such a fuss over this issue, considering that 50 percent of us can't even stay married. It's not like we have a lock on this institution. For all we know, if gay marriages were figured into the equation, the divorce statistics may even go down. That's actually one of my secret dreams because it would be a hell of a kick in the ass to the religious right.
---Lewis Black, from Nothing's Sacred
And a tip 'o the tiara to everyone here at Daily Kos for your unequivocal support of the GLBT community, both here and beyond these orange walls. It's frustrating not being equal just yet...but it's a hoot and a half knowing that, when all's said and done, our civil rights saga will end with the words: WE WIN. Sooner rather than later, if you please.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 25, 2010
Note: No apologies were issued to anyone during the writing and publishing of this column. We apologize for the inconvenience. (Doh! Okay, except for that one.)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Elena Kagan's Senate Badger-and-Belittle Hearings begin: 3!!!
Days `til the North Atlantic Blues Festival in Rockland, Maine: 15
Percent of America's population growth that came from non-whites between 2000 and 2008: 83%
(Source: Census Bureau via The Week)
Number of W.W. II veterans still alive out of the 16 million who served: 2.2 million
Number of W.W. II vets expected to pass away this year: 263,000
(Source: USA Today)
Percent of Americans who live in a metropolitan area: 80%
Number of people per square mile in, respectively, New Jersey and Alaska: 1,134 / 1
(Source: Time)
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 3,027
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Whatever you do, don’t forget that Take Your Dog to Work Day is...um...almost over.
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CHEERS to the end of all our troubles! There's agreement on super duper financial regulation reform! Yay! Nothing will ever be too big to fail again, and average citizens will be thoroughly protected against unscrupulous predators looking to get rich quick through any means necessary. [POOF!] Wow---was it all a dream? I guess we'll find out soon enough.
CHEERS to Democrats Not Named Ben Nelson. They voted for cloture yesterday so that a bill could be voted on that would extend unemployment benefits for good, decent, kind and patriotic Americans slammed hard by the Republican-fueled recession that almost destroyed our beautiful country. The Republicans, meanwhile, all voted---what else?---"AMERICA: FUCK NO!!!!"---every last black-hearted one of 'em, including Maine's tea-party-fearers Susan Coward and Olympia Snivel. This is what they found so detestable:
The rejected bill would have provided $16 billion in new aid to states, preserving the jobs of thousands of state and local government workers and providing what White House officials called an insurance policy against a double-dip recession. It also included dozens of tax breaks sought by business lobbyists and tax increases on domestically produced oil and on investment fund managers.
It's a slap in the face, a crotch kick and a head-butt to the backbone of our republic. A hobnailed boot on the neck of civility and compassion. Republicans don’t just want Obama to fail---actions like this show that they want average Americans to fail, too. And the Republican "small people" who are among those whose benefits will run out and leave them on the precipice of ruin? They'll blame Democrats, of course, and tell themselves that Mitch McConnell & Co. "surely must've had a good reason for acting the way they did, and I'll continue to pray for the Lord to give them strength against the socialist Democrat horde." And the mighty Wurlitzer plays on.
CHEERS to performance art. Welcome to Marco Rubio Theatre! Tonight: the Florida tea party candidate for the U.S. Senate does not like the healthcare reform restaurant meal he's been served...or does he? Let's watch:
"Oh, waiter! Take this meal back, it’s terrible!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Monsieur. I shall take it back right away!"
"But, uh...leave the pork chops, they're okay."
"Yes, Monsieur. I shall leave the chops and take everyzing else back to ze kitchen and yell at ze chef."
"Actually, hold on...the broccoli's okay. Leave the broccoli, too."
"Of course. Ze broccoli stays."
"And the potatoes."
"I shall leave ze potatoes just as they are. So...er...zat leaves ze sprig of parsley. You wish me to return the parsley?"
"Yes! That parsley is an affront to the values and ideals of our great nation, and it's nothing but a socialist takeover of my dinner plate. Begone!"
"Yes, Monsieur!" (To audience, circling his ear with his finger:) Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
"I hearrrrd that!"
[Curtain]
[Applause]
Who says art doesn’t imitate life? Join us next week for our production of "Backpedaler On A Hot Tin Roof," only on Marco Rubio Theatre!
CHEERS to lookin' out for the womenfolk. A hundred years ago, on June 25, 1910, President William Howard Taft---meddling in Americans' private affairs via dastardly federal government action---signed the White-Slave Traffic Act, which said that women couldn't be transported across state lines anymore for "immoral purposes" like forced prostitution. It's more popularly known as the Mann Act, but I think they shoulda called it the Men Are Pigs Act. Anyway, my point is: don’t kidnap women and drag 'em across state lines to fuel your sex trade. Thank you. A public service message from this blog and the Ad Council.
JEERS to coming home emptyarchvillainhanded. That guy from Colorado who traveled to Pakistan with a 40-inch sword (he slipped it by security by hiding it in a 3-ounce shampoo bottle) has returned to the States without his prey Osama bin Laden. He says he'll try again. But I have a thought: Hey Pakistan, since you apparently know where Dr. Dialysis is hiding out, why don’t you stuff him in a sack and drop him on our doorstep, thus eliminating the kooky middleman? On second thought, that would take all the challenge out of it. Never mind. Dumb idea.
WHOOPS to pissing off the wrong people. On June 25, 1876, General George Armstrong Custer and his 7th Cavalry met their Waterloo at the Battle of Little Bighorn in Montana. Moments after the shooting stopped a corporal arrived on the scene with an urgent message from HQ: "Duck!" Fate is a cruel master.
CHEERS to the Wise Latina. Happy birthday (and blessings on your camels) to Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who turns 56 today. Clarence Thomas tried to give her a "pinch to grow an inch." Now he's got a good reason for not speaking from the bench---his jaws are wired shut. (But, to show there were no hard feelings, she let him suck frosting from the cake through his straw.)
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you need to be inside to beat the heat, there's this and that on the tube this weekend. In sports, you can choose between Wimbledon, baseball and the World Cup. (Tomorrow we kick Ghana's ass and send 'em back to wherever they came from.) New DVD releases include Matt Damon saving Iraq in Green Zone, Helen Mirren and Christopher Plummer acting up a storm in The Last Station, season one of HBO's autobiographical documentary about my life, Hung, and that guy from the Twilight movies in the most forgettable flick of the year: Remember Me. The Daytime Emmys are Sunday night. And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Pay-Me-This-Much-To-Watch Index:
Meet the Press: John McCain, the senator who has contributed nothing to modern-day foreign policy, is somehow still convincing the media that he's contributing something to modern-day foreign policy (not such a hard trick), so he'll make his 9,542nd appearance on a morning talk show in six weeks. The roundtable---which, we would point out, is not round and thus another mainstream media lie---has Thomas Ricks, Sebastian Junger, Rep. Barbara lee (D-CA), Combat veteran Wes Moore, and Gen. Barry McCaffrey (ret). Pay-Me-This-Much-To-Watch Index: $500
This Week: CIA Director Leon Panetta will show up cleverly disguised as...Leon Panetta! (It's just crazy enough to work.) Roundtable includes George Will, David Sanger, Robin Wright and Raji Chandrasekaran. Pay-Me-This-Much-To-Watch Index: $250
Face the Nation: Sens. Patrick Leahy and Jeff Sessions on Elena Kagan's upcoming confirmation hearings; Sen. Carl Levin on McChrystalgate; CBS correspondents Jan Crawford and David Martin. Pay-Me-This-Much-To-Watch Index: $100
The McLaughlin Group: Eleanor Clift, tired of having to shout at the top of her lungs to get a word in edgewise, simply holds up a sign that says, "BITE ME." Pay-Me-This-Much-To-Watch Index: I'll Pay Eleanor $50 if she does it!
The Chris Matthews Show: Dan Rather, John Harris, Katty Kay and Gloria Borger. Pay-Me-This-Much-To-Watch Index: $800
Washington Week: ABC's Martha Radditz and Time's Michael Duffy on McChrystalgate; Eamon Javers of CNBC on financial reform; National Journal's James Barnes recaps this week's primary races. Pay-Me-This-Much-To-Watch Index: Eh...a beer
Fox Pity Party with Chris Wallace: Foppish Senator Lindsay Graham (who will soon be elevated to "senior senator" from South Carolina when Alvin Greene inexplicably beats Jim DeMint by 30 points in November) and California's Dianne Feinstein. Mike Huckabee demonstrates the "Ick Factor" by...well...by being Mike Huckabee. Roundtable with Liz Cheney, Bill Kristol, Juan Williams and Mara Liasson. Pay-Me-This-Much-To-Watch Index: $1 Trillion in lithium mined in Afghanistan
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: June 25, 2005
JEERS to liberals (yes, liberals!) on the Big Bench. "Ahh, home sweet...Hey, where's my frickin' home??!!" Souter, Ginsburg, Stevens and Breyer are joined by Kennedy in saying your house can now be bulldozed. But---and this is very important---only if a private or public business or corporation wants it. Well, when you put it like that, it's not so bad...
CHEERS to Ted Kennedy. For asking Donald Rumsfeld: "In baseball, it's three strikes, you're out. What is it for the Secretary of Defense?" Rumsfeld's response: "Gosh, that's a [whiff!!] really good question [whiff!!] and I'll get back to you just as soon as I [whiff!!] can."
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And just one more...
CHEERS to taking comfort in the warm, loving embrace of meta (via Kossack divineorder). Been a long week. Gulf? Still fucked up. Afghanistan? Still fucked up. Economy? Still fucked up. Energy policy, financial reform, immigration reform, unemployment, personal income, retirement plans? Still you-know-what'd up. What say we end the week on a high note with a trip in the wayback machine to a time---four years ago, to be exact---when life was simple, cherub-faced children played stickball in the streets, and Pop came home to find his slippers, pipe, newspaper and supper waiting for him as the aroma of jasmine wafted along the warm summer breeze. Oh, and this was at the top of the DKos charts:
Since I can't delete my account myself, my only recourse is to be as abrasive and disruptive as I can be UNTIL MY ACCOUNT GETS DELETED. As long as my account remains here, I do not feel comfortable leaving. Is it really such a tough request to delete my account so I can go? Just what kind of website lets you join up but won't let you leave? One that regards people as little more than statistics, that's what. How like the Democratic Party for Kos to view his site's members as little more than statistics.
DELETE MY FUCKING ACCOUNT, KOS. You don't want me hanging around, and neither do I.
And, for a brief moment, unicorns romp once more in the Land of Plenty.
Have a nice weekend. Oh, and your eyes look a little dry---here, let's fix that. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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