In a desperate final bid engineers are setting up in the BP boardroom millions of pounds worth of anti-noise equipment, and a suspiciously large glass dome.
The budget for this last ditch effort is not being released, however shares in BP fell sharply in afternoon trading.
Dr Janet Sharpman said "It's and extremely delicate operation lowering the dome over Tony, we estimate the probability of him remaining in one place long enough to be in the order of 20%".
Dr Fred Peters added "Shutting up Tony is now our number one priority, we have the keys to the Rolls Royce and the chauffeur has been given extended paid leave. We believe this has improved the probability for sucess twofold."
Byron Grote CFO "We have given our engineers an unprecedented budget to resolve the verbal utterances of our rogue CEO, quite frankly every time he opens his mouth, I reach for the Valium and whiskey. This must stop now."
Dr Rosemary Finn head of press dispersal technology: "We have devised methods to prevent the press and Tony mixing, large mobile food buffets and a drinks bars have been strategically placed throughout head office. We hope our investment in Beluga caviar and Dom Pérignon will prove sufficient, we estimate their distraction capabilities at 85%. We believe we can effectively disperse the press corp.
However television sound crews are proving recalcitrant even playing U2 at extraordinarily high decibel levels has so far proved unsuccessful, you will have to excuse me I desperately need some aspirin."
John Watts head of CEO diary planning "We have adjusted Tony's diary according to engineers wishes, we worry that he will forget to consult his Blackberry. Therefore we have installed a particularly horrible ring-tone selected from Take That's extensive and annoying repertoire."
Dr Allie Sanders friction consultant "We have successfully increased the friction coefficient in the wheels of his executive chair by and order of ten, swivel capabilities have been severely reduced. We however have maintained angular displacement functions, as these may assist when lowering the dome."
Dr Richard Sloan head of adhesives "The coating of Tony's office and boardroom seating facilities are ahead of schedule. Our calculations show we could maintain positioning of a five ton bull elephant, whether this holds true on a self centered CEO is an unknowable unknown."
Dr Janet Sharpman "I really need a drink, our sanity is holding by a thin thread and the success of this mission is crucial for our future health. I really don't think I can take any more."
Dr Allie Sanders "You and me both, I believe the Kings Head's happy hour is fantastic, want to join me?"
Dr Janet Sharpman "Just let me get my coat, I really need to get blasted. Members of the press-corp are welcome to join us."
Dr Allie Sanders "There is a new curry house open across the road from the pub, I suggest we reserve a table now."
Dr Rosemary Finn " Hey Allie, what are those drinks with mint leaves in them called again? I could sure do with a few of those."
Note:
The Taj Mahal Restaurant are pleased to announce a sale on ebay of some interesting table cloth and back of cigarette pack designs. We can find no trace of patents being applied for, bidding starts at $10 billion.
.