From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Summer of Love?
Congress is about to adjourn for the August recess. And that means America will soon be buzzing with town hall meetings. And that means...um...shall we say, a spirited exchange of views among the unwashed citizenry. (Sample dialogue: "[Bleep!] [Bleep!] [Bleeeeeep!!!]" "Officer, remove that child!")
A hearty clash of ideas that dooesn't result in mortar fire, tasering, or flying spittle-related eye injuries is democracy in its most enviable form. But, at the end of the day, we must remember that, sink or swim, we're all playing in the same sandbox. It's a small world after all. In fact, some people say it's a small small small small world.
As we do from time to time when we're feeling extra drunk patriotic, C&J donned a tri-cornered hat and slipped under the right-wing blogosphere's barb-wire perimeter yesterday in search of common ground. Waving our SHOW ME A GOOD TIME, HONEY, AND YOU CAN TREAD ON ME TIL THE COWS COME HOME flag, we searched high and low for right-wing blogger comments that perhaps we can all agree on. And darned if we didn’t find some deep and abiding truths from the bunkers of our conservative colleagues across the intertubes:
There's a skinny wire with a green tip that leads to the CPU jack with little sound wave symbols on it.
-
100% of people who drink water die.
-
You know when a politician starts a sentence with "frankly," he’s about to lie to your face.
-
Correct me if I am wrong.
-
Carville [is] kind of like the looney uncle that shows up at the family picnic babbling about aliens, and you make sure his burger is cooked properly and [he] has a ride to the home later.
-
An act of hate is always morally reprehensible.
-
Little known fact: Dean received his MD degree from the Albert Einstein College of Medicine.
-
I'm no joker, nor a smoker, but have been known to be a midnight toker.
-
You are correct that you do not control events. But you do control your attitude toward events, and how you express that attitude.
-
Too bad we can’t power our cars with hypocrisy.
-
I hope your birthday is happy.
-
The swiss make excellent chocolate.
As we head into the summer town hall season, let's all remember that mebbe we can find the occasional patch of middle ground after all, them and us.
Mebbe.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, July 29, 2010
Note: Hey, kids! If you live in Colorado or its suburbs, have we got great news for you! There's a Kossack Meetup this Saturday at Brahman Colorado's place. Click here for details! There will be ribs and pie. Oh, yes...there will be ribs and pie.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Kansas, Michigan and Missouri primaries: 5
Days `til the Ole Belle Reed Music Festival: 15
Age of the Friendship Sloop Society as of this summer: 50
Number of active sloops on its roster: 281
(Source: Bill Nemitz at the Maine Sunday Telegram)
Barack and Michelle Obama's favorable ratings, respectively: 52%, 66%
Bill and Hillary Clinton's favorable ratings, respectively: 61%, 61%
(Source: Gallup via Hardball)
Portion of counties in the U.S. that are still considered "dry": 1-in-9
(Source: USA Today)
-
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
"We suffer the worst attack on this country since Pearl Harbor, and the Bush administration sends the FBI after the American Civil Liberties Union. The ACLU exists to protect every citizen's rights as defined in the Bill of Rights in the Constitution of the United States. The ACLU works solely through the legal system: It does not advocate violence, terrorism or any other damn thing except the Bill of Rights. Since when is that extremist? ... We are living in a time when our government is investigating an organization that stands for the highest and best American ideals."
---July, 2005
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: One Two Three Four, Tell me what we're fighting for...
-
CHEERS to---Ho Ho Ho!---Supremacy Clause. Message from the Fed to the State of Arizona: Respect my authoritah! Today is the day that the Arizona's "Papers, please" immigration law was supposed to take effect. But impartial, thoughtful Federal Judge Susan R. Bolton, in 36 pages of dreamy prose that, as read by Miley Cyrus, will be the #1 audio court ruling download on iTunes this week, glanced down at her WWJMFOTCDITSDYR bracelet and asked herself, "What would James Madison, Father of the Constitution, do in this situation, do you reckon?" Then she wisely put a hold on the worst elements of the law, including the one that essentially blesses the use of racial profiling. And good news for kids: the ruling also says that they can once again celebrate their birthdays with Sheriff Arpaio piñatas---now filled with extra-sour crybaby tears. To be continued...
JEERS to the inconvenient truth getting even more inconvenientier. Gee, is it hot in here or is it just me? According to those slouches over at the NOAA, the world is becoming a great big Easy Bake Oven:
The new climate report, entitled the 2009 State of the Climate, also states that "global warming is undeniable." Each of the last three decades has been much warmer than the decade before, it reports. ... Specifically, the decade of the 2000s had a surface global temperature that was 0.96°F above the long-term (20th century) average. This shattered the 1990s value of 0.65°F above average, according to Thomas C. Patterson, chief scientist at the National Climatic Data Center.
Of course, the challenge is taking those microscopic variances in temperature fluctuation and breaking them down into simple terms so that the average person sees the big picture. This is how I explain it to people on the street: "Hey! Yer burnin' up the planet, ya fuckin' moron!" And then I hit 'em with my purse until they look at my chart showing the difference between 0.96 and 0.65 whatchamacallems. But don't try it on old ladies---they got bigger purses and they hit back.
P.S. Al Gore is still fat.
CHEERS to thumbin' a ride home. Just three days 'til August, the month when a major chunk of our combat troops trudge out of Iraq, having served valiantly there for over seven years in a war that they never, ever, ever should've been called upon to fight. Thankfully, the withdrawal is going smoothly, although our bases there will be far from empty for the foreseeable future:
The U.S. is "ahead of schedule" with plans to wind down combat operations in Iraq and reduce the number of troops there from around 70,000 now to 50,000 by the end of August, the White House announced today.
Meanwhile, Joe Biden started welcoming the troops home yesterday by assembling them in a room and making a few remarks. Unless someone intervenes, those troops won't actually get home until 2011.
CHEERS to the birthday girl. Former...repeat, former North Carolina Senator Elizabeth Dole gets 74 candles on her cake today. C&J has a rule that we never jeer someone on their birthday. But there's nothing that says we can't revisit their Waterloo---in this case the famous 2008 "Promise" TV ad, which ends with the immortal words, "There is no God!!!" Actually, there probably is, Liddy. Exhibit A: you lost.
JEERS to the logic of the loon. Here's an important lesson on how to be a good little Republican clone. Today we tackle the deficit!. Deficits are like the cooties of democracy...but only when the president is a Democrat! The deficit is a boogersnot blown from the nostril of Satan himself...but only if the GOP is in the minority. The deficit is like answering the phone and finding out you're the poor random sap Mel Gibson just drunk-dialed. Deficits are bad. Got it? Good. Now here's a quiz: True or False? Spending an extra $34 billion to extend unemployment benefits is a deficit killer while spending an extra $37 billion for guns and bombs and pallets of cash to bribe warlords in Afghanistan in the pursuit of undefined and unrealistic goals is not a deficit killer. Answer: true! Don’t ask why, just bask in the glow of your awesome brainy lobes.
CHEERS to the first ringy dingy. On July 29, 1914, transcontinental telephone service began when someone in New York called someone in San Francisco and promptly sold a couple hundred bucks worth of term life insurance, a Thighmaster and a dozen ShamWOW!s. Smooth operator.
JEERS to BPnis envy. Jeez, China, do you have to copy everything we do???
The first details emerged Friday on the cause of China's largest reported oil spill, while environmentalists urged the government to do more to warn local residents of potential danger, saying children are playing still off nearby beaches. ... The explosion was caused when workers continued to inject desulfurizer into the pipeline after a tanker had finished unloading oil, according to a statement posted Friday on the website of the State Administration of Work Safety. ...
Cleanup workers have reported using chopsticks and their bare hands to remove the gooey oil from the sea...
We're flattered and all, but...[sigh]...you probably shoulda stopped at copying bootleg DVDs.
-
Five years ago in C&J: July 29, 2005
CHEERS to calling it quits. They IRA says it's turning in its weapons, ending an era frought with terror and violence. And yes, guys...you need to turn in all your boiled cabbage, too.
(Mild) CHEERS to the noble opposition. My partner Michael's former boss, Peter Cianchette, announced yesterday that he'll be the Republican candidate for Governor of Maine in 2006. He's a Bush loyalist, which sucks, but he's also that rare GOP bird: a really nice guy. But we still intend to kick his ass. [7/29/10 Update: We did. Then Bush appointed him Ambassador to Costa Rica. Nice work if you can get it.]
-
And just one more...
CHEERS to the DNC. Good for them---they're generating buzz and, more importantly, news coverage for their spiffy, sumptuously-scored ad that sums up the modern-day GOP in a tidy little bundle of evil. And for those moments when you find yourself debating a Republican teabagger (Whoops---call the redundancy police!) about their non-vision for the future, you should memorize their Top 10 greatest whiffs. Tim Kaine wisely left off #11, which reads: Gahhhhhhhh! What...is...with these people??!!!!
But seriously. Have a nice Thursday. Practice patience. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I'm so mad, I'm so angry and this is not the nicotine, this is Cheers and Jeers! Bill in Portland Maine f**king don't love me one bit---you know it!!!!"
---Mel Gibson
-