Before I tell my story about Sara...how she helped me without knowing it, I want to add something.
Even if I have been reading diaries and comments on DK for quite a while, I never bothered learning about the rules in here because I thought that I would never comment.
I don’t even know what a tip jar is, that should be an indication. I recommended a few comments here and there, that’s about it, not really sure about all the rules. I saw from time to time mentions about DK4 , and from what I read earlier, it feels like the end of the Maya calendar. I don’t really understand what’s going to happen. That’s why, even if I have a ton of work to do this weekend for the office, I’m taking the time tonight to write this diary before DK vanishes.
July 1st 2008
Canada day
One of my sons’ friends stopped by the house, looking for my youngest. I have 2 sons. I told him that he was helping one of his friends moving, but it was just at the corner of the street, that he should go meet him there. I called my son on his cell to make sure they were still there and they were. He said to me:’’ of course, tell Sébastien to come by if he wants but we’re almost done, I’ll be home soon.’’ I told that to Sébastien and he left.
I went downstairs in my office to check something on my computer and I saw in the corner of my eye Sébastien in the driveway. He was going in the backyard; I heard the sound of the fence door opening. I figured he went in the backyard to put his bike there or maybe just to wait for my son to come back.
I stayed downstairs maybe 30 minutes.....I had something on the stove. I went upstairs and opened the patio door to ask Sébastien if he was hungry.
He wasn’t in the backyard.
I stepped on the balcony and went down the stairs to make sure the fence door was closed as I have a pool and I always worry about safety.
And there it was....I came face to face with a vision of horror.
Sebastien was hung from a tree...dead at 23.
I could never describe into words the pain I felt, it was like being run over by a truck...the excruciating sadness. I was shaking like a leaf. Part of my brain could register what I was seeing, the other part was gone. Everything was spinning in my head.
I grabbed my phone and started pressing numbers, any numbers, 911 was resonating in my head but my hands were shaking so bad that I just couldn’t controlled them, I couldn’t even see anything at that point, my eyes were covered in tears....I snapped out of it for a second and pressed on speed dial ...my son’s cell number.....I just screamed....hurry, 911, Sébastien, dead.
I dropped the phone on the grass and I started to scream....help help help....My son was home in a flash, he was just at the corner; he had call 911 while running home, He screamed...just one scream but I’m sure the whole city heard him, it was from his guts, the horror!... .
He tried to revived Sébastien, tried and tried.......I saw a pregnant woman jumped over the fence and ran towards my son to help him, she was a nurse......and another neighbor, jumping over the fence.......I was paralyzed, I couldn’t move, I was just shaking.......then the paramedics arrived, policemen, neighbors....I could heard some people crying....
When I saw Sébastien on the stretcher, hooked on a machine....I jumped and said: Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, he’s alive! He wasn’t in a body bag. I called my son who was next to the paramedics and made a sign for him to approach me.....Did you see, did you see? He’s alive!
He said to me.....’’no Mom, he’s gone’’ ....and he dropped on his knees and started to sob uncontrollably. To see my son in so much pain was worst than my own pain. It’s like part of me died...it was too much for me....
He had lost one of his best friend...so tragically.
He was right....Sébastien was gone...it was instant.
Many people came to the house that night....friends, family, my ex-husband.....he couldn’t stop hugging our sons...my oldest came home after the traumatic event, he had no idea....he was in shock.
He then turned around, letting go of them for a minute and hugged me as well and said to me: ‘’that tree is gone, I’ll take care of it’’ I knew it had nothing to do with the tree....a living thing....it’s nature.......but I knew I would have never be able to look at it again....I just whispered....’’ok’’...
The sound of the chainsaw the next day was probably the worst sound that I ever heard in my life...I loved that tree, it was majestic, it had berries ...it always attracted a lot of birds.
I felt that my house was gone as well.....I wanted to move so bad....no more joy....just sadness. It took me months and months and months to be able to go in my backyard....
I didn’t work for a month. I cried rivers of tears. The nights were the worst. I couldn’t sleep....I was so exhausted. I had so many nightmares....and the vision, the horror...the cord, his neck, him limp body....night after night after night....it was there....
It didn’t go away.....
I started to work after a month, even if I didn’t feel ready; I had to occupy my mind, to concentrate. My passion for politics came back slowly. It was an exciting time in the States. I would lose myself in my passion when I had the time..or I would force myself to spend time with my friends, my family....it was difficult...they were so concerned.
Life started to feel ‘’normal’’ again...slowly,,,......even if I knew I was forever changed....the deep sadness was there, and the nightmares were not gone, the horrific vision.... I was so frightened at night.
I had to go to therapy for over a year...it helped somewhat, not much.
I became familiar with Sara’s diaries at the end of the next year I think, I know that it was months and months later...a year and a half I think....every time something was posted, I was reading her diaries, crying my heart out. I felt so sad for those people..I was still very fragile emotionally.
I wished I had a quilt for me, even if I felt guilty for wishing that, seeing those people with severe illnesses.... ....me the stranger from Canada.....who just wanted to stop the pain, who just wanted to sleep at night, to stop the nightmares...I felt comforted reading those diaries....so impressed by all that love...so impressed by Sara.
Even if I have amazing people around me,...when I am in a very dark place...I just shut down...I can’t talk about myself....my pain......I just pretend that I’m fine.....
It’s like I could let go when I was reading Sara’s diaries,...rivers of tears... it was therapeutic for me.
I could stop pretending that I was fine for a brief moment each time.
What follows is something I never told anyone...maybe because I feared that someone would think that I lost it or started to drink or something....but I didn’t....it just happened..
I was in bed one night...staring at the ceiling......I was lost in my thoughts, thinking about work......I didn’t want to close my eyes because I knew what was coming....the same pattern for so many months..........fear was setting in...
...
I closed my eyes for a brief moment and there it was.....a quilt!.....my quilt....it was so vivid....I wasn’t dreaming because I just closed my eyes a few minutes earlier.....my imagination took me there without me thinking about it.
It was like a blend of all the quilts that I saw in the diaries, full of beautiful colors.....Sara’s quilt.
It didn’t stop there.....I felt warmth in my body from head to toe....like ‘’something’’ was wrapping itself around me...my body was all warm.....it was so overwhelming that I started to cry .....For the first time in
so many months...I wasn’t scared....I felt protected, I felt safe.
I slept at least 15 or 16 hours straight ......it was a miracle to me.
It lasted a couple of weeks...every night when I closed my eyes, ....my quilt...and I felt peace and calmness inside me and I could sleep and sleep for hours.
And then it was gone.....
I didn’t fear the nights anymore....
It’s not that the sadness is completely gone, I don’t think it will ever be completely gone..or that I erased that horrific image from my mind.....but I feel at peace now when it appears...when I think about him.........’’sleep well little angel’’.
That’s why I wanted to share my story about Sara’s helping me step out of a very dark place...without knowing it. I will be forever grateful.
The power of love...
Thank you