Of all the activities that constitute thumb twiddling none compares to the King Kong of time killers masturbation. It is the ultimate lollygag, a near-do-well's raison d'etre and a bachelor's fail safe. Leave it to the heathen French to deconstruct one of evolution’s great merriments the orgasm with their onanistic monopoly on rally killing, existential comedowns. You are not a true Frenchman until you can ejaculate nothing or should I say actual nothingness like our man in Paris Jean Paul Sartre and to refer to it as Le petite mort, well you get the ontological picture.

In doing some research on Mitt Romney, I came across this, a guide written by Mark E. Peterson that instructs young Mormons on how to overcome masturbation.

It's the most unintentionally funny thing I have ever read.

Imagine a novel which takes on brainless pretty boy Republicans, the Catholic hierarchy, sexually obsessed politicians, traditional media reporters, talk show hosts, lawyers and a host of others.  Might I suggest "A Highly Placed Source" by former Pulitzer Prize winning newspaper writer and principal in Progressive Promotions here in Denver, Michelle Dally.  

Michelle’s razor sharp wit and pointed satire made me laugh so hard I cried.  Can you imagine the religious right’s head exploding over a young boy’s message from God that masturbation is "no big deal"?  Did God really say, "He had more important things to worry about and that I ought to enjoy myself, as long as it didn’t hurt others"?  And wait until you read what happens when the boys gets a second message from God.  It’s a real three-ring circus.  

There are heroes too.  An alcoholic reporter, an aid to a local Congresswoman.  A hospice nurse who lost her own son.  Ultimately, these characters win you over.  The ending, well you’ll just have to buy the book here.

Addicted being defined as "use on an ongoing basis."

This poll was not conducted by some liberal group of christian-haters.  This was conducted by a website that bills itself as "the world's most visited Christian website."

"This bill would support the taking of innocent human life in the name of physical pleasure," Bush said at a White House event where he was surrounded by families who "adopted" frozen sperm not used by other couples, and then used the leftover sperm to have children.

"Each of these children was still adopted while trillions of sperm suffer in deep freeze, and has been blessed with a chance to grow, to grow up in a loving family. These boys and girls are not spare parts," he said.

We oft hear of the power of words, of emotional poetry and of moving speeches; words that have sway over the public, words that can make or break even a presidency. I would like to mention just one word that has the power to perhaps change our society as can no other single word. However, I must caution that reader discretion is advised.

Iraqsturbation is the term we may use to describe a Bush Administration tactic: the consistent regurgitation of utter and absolute nonsense, with blatant disregard for human life, suffering, honor or reason, in order to justify the invasion and continued occupation of Iraq by the United States of America.

Iraqsturbation goes something like this:

*Liberals are cut-and-run softies on national defense
*Liberals sympathize with the terrorists
*Liberals can't protect you

Iraqsturbation infects, engages and confuses into submission much of the public psyche simply by repeating itself, over and over again, at the loudest volume possible... but there isn't any evidence to support it.  In fact, Iraqsturbation itself is the REAL cut-and-run strategy.

Iraqsturbation makes me mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.  Here's my, plan... I'm hoping you will join me.

John Spragens with the Nashville Scene fills us in:

....now that America's dumbest criminals have reconvened their lawmaking body, it's easy street for journalistic bottom-feeders to meet deadlines.

To wit: Senate Bill 3794 (House Bill 3798), legislation that would make it illegal to sell, advertise, publish or exhibit to another person "any three-dimensional device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs...." For that matter, if you offer to show someone your dildo collection--or possess a vibrator with the intent to show it to someone--you'd be violating this proposed state law. And don't even think about wholesaling those three-dimensional sex toys.

More below...

From an article in The Rolling Stone entiled The Young and the Sexless

Hey, I've got my masturbation counselor on speed dial. but wait, there's more...