Posting History for jbou
|Actually, jumping the shark sounds kind of bad ass
It's hard to watch porn when you've lived the life I've lived because I just keep thinking "DON'T DO THAT IN HEELS YOU'LL POP THE AIR MATTRESS" If Miracle Whip were really miraculous it would be ...
|In case you're an emergency, break my glass.
"Where are we headed?" she said. "To a bar" I said. "a land without feelings or genuine interest In order To reduce the awareness of Our mortality thru sin, vice, and false language in a failed ...
|I need a toaster with some bodies on it.
What do we haunt? the shell of our former selves When do we haunt it? *averts gaze* Always make one unobtainable goal so when you've completed your real goals this fucker will keep the infinite ...
|If I had time machine, I would go back and kill time.
I just want a monster I can believe in. It takes a nation of minions to hold us back. I rarely get the chance to not know where I am. Marco Rubio sounds like the most boring swimming pool game ...
|Hey, the climate hasn't changed, YOU have.
"Civilization is like a thin layer of ice upon a deep ocean of chaos and darkness. Could I have curly fries, please." Save the planet! Jupiter, that is. Or Mars. Not this one. This one is ...
|The five second rule is pointless if you drop acid.
If Orwell was alive today, he'd probably just shrug and ask for an extra shift at 7-eleven. The earth is a serial killer that wants us as a species dead. I respect the hell out of that. Nobody ...
|The cops' defense: "Freddie Gray fatally looted himself."
Quick somebody give me $5 billion so I can make Bernie Sanders president. I'm a weird middle aged white suburban guy. If police kept killing the children of people like me with impunity, I would be ...
|I'm pretty sure the moon landing hoax was faked
Take heart! The internet proves no matter who you are, no matter what you do, someone out there will always find you tiresome. There's gotta be some endangered animals who get addicted to the ...
|IDEA: The Witness Protection Program, but for anybody who feels like it.
Before you break your foot off in that ass, remember, you only have so many feet. Good night. It is Dec. 30, 2014. Affirmation: "In 2015 I will not star in a viral video in which I am eaten alive ...
|Fighting a war on drugs beats fighting a war sober
'Hard work pays off son,' he said while they watched as the owner of grumpy cat raked in a cool $100 million. Life is what we make of it. And humans are natural creators. Mostly of poop and dead ...
|I'm just asking you to give me space. All of space. Make me the Emperor Of Space
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us. The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody ...
| "Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people"
Chris Rock didn't graduate from high school but that does not stop him from imparting wisdom to us from his perspective. I really do like listening to his perspective. When we talk about race ...
|I might be going to hell but on the bright side it will be really easy to make smores
If you're ever found to be supporting a contradiction or factual flaw, just jump out of the Airplane of Logic and pull the Ripcord of Faith! ┏(°.°)┛♪ HOLLER INTO ♪┗(°.°)┓ THE VOID ┗
|I'm going to pogo stick this truth into your heads, so we might as well get started.
Spirituality is a vital part of life, so worship something. Maybe that dude's hair on Ancient Aliens or something, whatever. We all have a greatness within; something truly huge, deep inside. ...
|At last our long national pumpkin spiced nightmare is over.
Breaking: Pope Francis says gays are great, Big Bang real, evolution correct, God doesn't exist, bible is fairy tales, religion is bullshit. The first guy to fertilize a field with manure was ...
|I hope someone with a highly contagious education makes contact with Donald Trump ASAP.||jbou||10/24/2014||24||25||-||-|
|I'm thinking about suing the judge for slanderously calling all of my lawsuits frivolous.||jbou||10/20/2014||54||38||1||-|
|I'd join a cult if we got really bad@ss T-shirts and had a trivia night.
Western society has narrowed the definition of masculinity down to a ridiculous model so small, it would fit it on the head of a fucking pin... Pop quiz, hotshot: A bar fight between Mr. Clean ...
|My anaconda don't want none unless you love puns, hon.
Just some random stuff. Outkast is on tour and the lyrics in this tune are relevant right now with all that's going on with the cops... This is for a certain person who was unaware of the ...
| And on the 7th day God rested, but then he sat up in bed for about two hours messing with his phone
I'm feeling so blessed that I don't live in a place like Hong Kong where cops attack and tear gas peaceful protesters. The worst thing is now I can't walk into the White House like a sit-com ...
|A surprisingly high percentage of people were kung fu fighting.
Most of my long-term financial planning involves me being frozen in carbonite and taken away by Boba Fett. Life hack: By selling illegal narcotics you can get ahead of your peers in the race to ...
|Birthday party over here. The Marti turns 30?
It's The Marti's birthday today and I wanted to give the Pootie Princess a proper party. So we'll need lots of Scotch and ice cream and firemen. Happy birthday, Marti. You never cease to make me ...
|I'm following my bliss straight off a cliff.
Sorry, but I don't have much faith in your God if I'm suppose to be one of his creations. I am proof that one person can truly make an indifference in this world. We’re weak creatures ...
|I bet Scissors just rolls its eyes when Paper beats Rock.
Pigs are actualy very intelligent. For instance: a pig would have noticed the typo in the first sentence before it was pointed out to them. Making your own craft beer at home is fun, creative and ...
|I refuse to be committed to any asylum that would have me as a patient.
Fact: You're stuck with responsibility, while spider monkeys wander freely. Who is the real hero? Our phone became our watch--now our watch will become our phone. The circle of life. Wait a ...
|Sorry I dropped that anvil on your head, but I thought you were a cartoon character.
We can't plan for every negative situation but we can always carry a cyanide pill tucked in a false tooth. Life is full of a lot of awful shit, then you die. But there's, like, cookies, ice cream ...
|For the love of all that ain't holy, hi there.
How are we expected to take Jesus seriously if the Bible never talks about him wearing a cape? Like not even once. *prays over water* Okay guys this is holy water now. Guys. GUYS THIS IS HOLY ...
|Drug Problem Sick Of Being Blamed For Area Man's Other Problems.
That guy who's like "Yea I'm drinking a Pilsner stout custom brewed IPA lager Irish nanobeer fused with the souls of 3 men" Good for you. I once shot up enough cocaine that had it not been for the ...
|Please keep your hands inside the bandwagon at all times.
There are only two reasons to build a time machine: 1) Ride a dinosaur 2) Go to Jesus' crucifixion & say "Now that's what I call Cross-fit" I love when the Moon is still visible in the morning. It'
|If you tell a cop you’re sad, he legally has to hug you.
Remember when Sheriff Andy wouldn't let deputy Fife even load his one allotted bullet? Remember when people watched cop shows on TV and were scared of being attacked by sharks. When the only tool ...
|If we move Cliven Bundy to Ferguson maybe the police will go away.
If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like the top of Rush Limbaugh's head. You know what we need right now a movie starring Will Ferrell and Colin Farrell, directed by the ...
|Hey, Death. How about you try dialing it back a bit?
We can do a lot of good in our lives or we can stay home, play games and eat tacos. Tacos are pretty fucking awesome. I've done the Neutron Dance, the Safety Dance, walked like an Egyptian, AND ...
|One man's wheat is another man's gluten.
Fire hydrants look so sad. You save lives little buddies. Be happy about that. *gently kisses one* Be happy. “This USB you invented. Why not make it plug in from both sides?” Get out of my ...
|I don't want to alarm you, but there's a clock making a buzzing sound next to your bed.
No no you can’t bring those Ebola infected people into the US. The entire agency dedicated to infectious diseases is wrong and I’m right. The United States should give Texas to the Zionists. It ...
|Hello sharkness, my old fin.
Everyone is a disappointment to their parents. Neil Armstrong's mom yelled at him for not cleaning up his footprints. Surgeon General Warning Do not become Surgeon General. All the other generals ...
|I can't believe that this is real life.
The bank puts their pen on a chain because they don’t trust me to not steal it, yet, for some reason, I trust them with my money. Boredom and emptiness are barely discernible from one another. ...
|Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
This is your pilot speaking. Well, not actually yours. Like I'm not your property. I'm a person. A GOD DAMN HUMAN BEING. You all disgust me. Calm down helicopters, we hear you. Everyone’s watching.
|I'm tired of waiting for reality to get here.
If Israel invaded the United States, some US politicians would insist that Israel must do whatever is necessary to defend itself. It's almost 2015 and we still can't fly hover cars, vacation on ...
|I got chickens in the living room pecking at corn and they ain't leaving til 6 in the morn.
We've all wanted to kill a cat for being an asshole. That's why you never hear about Schrödinger's dog. Lions probably want to get coolass haircuts, but their mane concerns are about keeping their ...
|The Democratic party is buying what the Third Way is selling, again.
Others close to the White House contend that the move is at least partly driven by Democratic polling that found that talking about income inequality does not register strongly with the American ...
|What is this truth you are so desperate to have everyone know?
Hancock: What should we call today? *everyone raises hand* Hancock: Other than "We Fucked Britain Up Day" *everyone slowly lowers hand* After Benjamin Franklin signed the Declaration of ...
|Justice is blind. And deaf. And dumb.
Don’t you fools get it. This is all just a way for the Illuminati to distract the whole world while they do Illuminati things. Hopefully phones never become self-aware because my phone knows more ...
|This is the 21st century and no one cares. Just go ahead and fart already.
Trouble with the law? Don't buy the hype about rape in prison. You're far more likely to get shanked and die of blood poisoning. It's not about winning or losing, it's about stealing shit from the ...
|Pope Excommunicates Italian Mafia; Wakes To Lamb's Head In Bed.
An American exchange student got stuck inside a vagina sculpture, effectively confirming all of the Republican Partys' greatest fears. The GOP seems to be carefully honing its key demographic down ...
|BBQ'ing your sacred cows.
Wake up, sheeple. Ronald McDonald and Wendy both have red hair. Our burger supply is controlled by a secret cabal of gingers. Money is only good for buying drugs to take while having sex surrounded ...
|Do something weird. Jesus ain't lookin'.
Dislike your parents, know everything. Find simplicity profound with underlying meaning, fail at explaining it. Collect moleskins. Scowl at passing children, kick rocks. Drive offensively, play ...
|Pretty much anywhere you stand you'll eventually end up in someone's way.
My buddy said ice cream sandwiches aren’t real sandwiches, and now I have to spend the rest of our lives pretending he’s not dead to me. The other day I heard a little boy call his mom "mother,"
|There is no future in reality.
I once ingested four grams of Mexican mushrooms and fought a coyote using a perfect rendition of the Gangnam Style dance as my sole weapon. I once ingested PCP and fought a ghost with my elbows. I ...
|Well-behaved women rarely delete their browser history.
I saw a car with a "Fraternal Order of Police Assoc. Member" license plate frame. The note I left said "You're under arrest for kissing ass" . *genie appears* "I shall grant you three wishes" Can I ...
|Watch out for smart people in a bad mood.
Mankind's greatest curse. Irrationality⬅️Misinformation ⬇️ ⬆️ Hypocrisy➡️...
|Sometimes people will give up their freedom so quickly, you'd think it was burning them.
People will put so much effort into forgetting someone, the effort itself becomes a memory. Humans, as opposed to all other animals, have developed a consciousness so advanced that they are the ...
|You can lead poison a horse, but you can't do anything about corporate responsibility.
Godzilla needs to stop destroying our roads and buildings. We destroyed a lot of ground and trees to make those. Not giving us wings is nature’s way of making sure our species survives instead of ...
|White privilege. Yup. But I can't control how others perceive me.
The thing about white privilege is I have no control over who gives me the privilege. We white guys can acknowledge our privilege until the cows come home it's not going to change how we are ...
|"I accept life as it is, no denial. It is my right as winged billionaire superhero.
“I actually like how Red Bull tastes” is the motto of a disillusioned generation addicted to the convenience of synthetic motivation. Society: Stop doing that thing and do this thing we all ...
|On a scale of 1 to 1, how important is the illusion of choice?
Weird how life just kicks you in the ass sometimes and then you have to pick up a baseball bat and chase it around the corner. If everything made sense to everyone there would be nothing to ...
|I don't agree with most of you because it seems to come off as a false positive.
Listen to your heart, but only if you're way too stupid to do anything with your brain. You can spread the love by puréeing your own heart and then spraying people with a super soaker. Let's ...
|I will bake you a cake with a hack saw in it so you can finally escape.
Who cares what 4 out 5 dentists think. They chose to smell mouths for a living. These are not rational people. People say “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” like it’s some deep shit. That�
|Vote For Hillary? I want to see Jeb's paintings first.
Today's Affirmation: "I am a magical pile of flaming poo at the door. No one can stomp me out." Be someone's rock, even though they may throw you through a plate glass window from time to time. ...
| "The universe does not punish, it teaches. The universe is an abusive boyfriend."
Don't "Love Your Selfie." Love your self. Either way, you'll still be a touchy-feely narcissist. Have the courage to make big changes in your life and the anti-anxiety meds to cope with making them.
|BREAKING: Fox News signs exclusive sponsorship deal with L.A. Clippers.
How rich is Donald Sterling? He slandered a woman's race for 15 minutes STRAIGHT and she still ended the call saying "Anything I can do to make you feel better?" There are times I forget that I am ...
|Sometimes I terrify myself but it's nice to know I can.
I am not here to amuse you. I am here to covertly and systematically poison your sane little minds. I've always sought ways to alter the natural way I experience reality because it always seemed so ...
|My Indian dinner last night was so authentic I think I hate Pakistan.
It's nice how we have one day where we're like okay let's not fuck Earth up today guys. Tomorrow's cool. Not today. Today's Earth Day. In the future, history text books will have an entire chapter ...
|Nice try Jesus' disciples, but I've seen "Weekend at Bernie's
Dear God Please tell your followers to stop changing the date of Easter every fuckin year for no fathomable reason Thanks, Everyone PS. Please help those who claim to most believe in you get ...
|I don't follow rules, it's pretty funny, let's hang out.
My nephew was bitching about the painting app on his iPad. Motherfucker in my day we used crayons. Does your iPad melt in the sun? “I love this beat. Okay that part just ruined the entire thing.”
|I'm amazed at what amazes people.
There wouldn't be any shootings at Fort Hood if people there had guns and were trained to use them. The Supreme Court just guaranteed that our next president will be a Koch Brothers-designed ...
|"Whatever, dude, I don't even own an Obamacare." - Sasha Obama
"I don't know what the hell I'm talking about most of the time but I don't let my lack of knowledge affect my confidence in convincing you." Neil deGrasse Tyson "Wheelchairs look boring as ...
|I've never met a cat whisperer, but I suspect cats are pretty heavy on the sarcasm.
Welcome to the internet. That area there is for porn and over there is where nerds think too much about shit that doesn’t matter. I don't how to feel about Tuesday. I hate Monday, tolerate ...
|There's freedom in insanity if you can hold on to it.
We have "thought leaders" in our society today because douchebags are really good at re-naming what they do. http://m.motherjones.com/kevin-drum/2014/03/heres-some-better-life-advice-richard-...
|Ask Me Anything.
I had a miserable week and now I'm emotionally exhausted and bored so ask me anything. Let's turn this into something we'll want to forget or not...
|Faith is easier than thought.
I like to think of my life as a parody of a real life. Helps me make sense of things. I'm supposed to start being nicer to myself but I don't think they're aware of what I have to work with here. ...
|For optimal digestive health, eat plenty of fiber, see your doctor regularly, and stop living a lie.
Rustin Cohle is my spirit animal. Detective Rustin Cohle: Transference of fear and self-loathing to an authoritarian vessel. It's catharsis. He absorbs their dread with his narrative. Because of ...
|Look, I won’t join your gang unless it has a snacks and a treehouse.
Republicans: We will lower your taxes. Democrats: We, um, support policies that encourage a fairer distribution of growth and....and....working man....party of FDR....um.... http://www.motherjones....
|Trees will have their revenge someday.
You can get further by crawling in the right direction than by sprinting nowhere special. Whatever, you're gonna look nuts doing either. The answer is likely "no, you have a sedentary job, drink ...
|Lay back and relax while I burrow into your psyche like a starving leech looking for a vein.
Life would be so much better if people could just stop blaming and shaming and pointing fingers and just forgave someone for being human. Sometimes the conversations I'm having with myself end ...
|Moths are just butterflies who’ve never gotten high.
Math, science, mystery Unraveling the history It all started with the Lord saying let there be light then creating us from dirt and a rib. Soldier 1: Did you bring the rope? Soldier 2: You were ...
|I challenge Bob Johnson to a debate and my dog is smarter than his.
I challenge Bob to a debate because Bob posts too many comments that make people laugh and that's my territory. Plus I have some cocaine and I'm bored.
|Hang on, I'm waiting for the nihilism to kick in.
That's fine yes, thank you. I'll have the soul crushing realization that we are all completely alone and yet utterly connected to go, please. My existence is insecure and needs to remind me of ...
|I'm poking around for the perfect theory that explains everything so I don't have to think anymore.
It's fine to treat life as a highway you want to ride on all night long, just remember you're a bug and life is filled with windshields. In the online world, the competition is for who can play ...
|I respect and accept all people, regardless of their stated pie preferences.
Whoever invented hockey probably just wanted to see what would happen if you let a bunch of angry guys wear knives on their feet. I hate when I show up to a bank robbery and another guy is wearing ...
|The Clintons are whats wrong with the Democratic party.
The modern Democratic party is a pathetic bunch of Wall Street hacks and the Clintons are to blame. I am not going to mince words. President Clinton raised a lot of money from Wall Street and ...
|Every day I wake up surprised my character hasn't been killed off. Yet.
WHISKY & WEED Because I've decided to take the scenic route on my journey into nothingness. I am just good enough to build something so big that when it starts to fall apart there is no ...
|I checked my account balance and the dog from Duck Hunt popped up on the ATM screen and laughed.
It appears colleges are being redesigned to better prepare you for a life toiling away in the lower middle class paying off debts until you die. Shameless self promotion: I'll be working on the ...
|Back in my day, you could rot your teeth with carbonated sugar water without making a statement
You think how great it would be to have a leprechaun and then you get one and all they do is lie around and complain about the spinach dip. I never drank Coca Cola to start with. Does this mean I'...
|Stand on the edge of a cliff and do jumping jacks with me.
I never really noticed crossing the point of no return. I just looked back one day and there it was, with that shit eating grin. All my thoughts are throwaway photographs depicting a landscape ...
|I probably should have worn a shirt during my sanity hearing.
Google Earth makes me a bit paranoid so on top of my house I painted a satellite image of a different house. I fear that Justin Bieber will be unstoppable now that he has street cred. Be the Biebs ...
|Fortunately, my skull has eye holes, or it would be dark in here.
When I’m sad, I imagine a centipede wearing 100 tiny rollerblades and freaking the fuck out because it doesn’t know how wheels work. I hate cyclists. You're driving along enjoying life then ...
|Be the shame you want to see in the world.
SPOILER ALERT: We keep doing stupid shit until we’re dead and then get replaced by more people doing stupid shit. There are two types of people in this world…assholes and people that don’t ...
|I would not be surprised if they discover that Hurricane Sandy was on Chris Christie's payroll.
Chris Christie has gone too far. If Americans are ever going to rise up, it's going to be over something like traffic. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I'll never be able to sit in another ...
|I told the wolf he should slip into something more comfortable. Now he looks just like a sheep.
Israel's national healthcare system now funds abortion on demand. Pat Robertson's entire worldview seems to be imploding. I'm no conspiracy theorist, but this weather tells me that the Sun may have ...
|You know you're drunk when U'R chopping pineapples in half screaming "SPONGE BOB I KNOW U'R IN THERE
I'm sorry, detective. Whoever he was, he was killing her softly with his song - too softly for voice print analysis. At some point, you'd think there'd be a City Council inquiry into the ...
|I've accepted the fact most of what is in my head is worthless and resigned to spread the nonsense.
Expressing gratitude is a positive manifestation of bonding emotions and a good way to convince people you care, like some asshole. If you expect me to kiss your ass don't be surprised if I bite it ...
|I find solace in the feeling of insignificance I have in the scheme of the universe.
So if you make people feel safe and explain things to them you have friends, then a cult, then eventually a religion. Human connection isn't just about sexuality. We are wired to think so but what ...
|Actually, partridges are well-known for their intense hatred of pears.
Introduce novelty into a variety of situations. At lunch, order "extra gluten on everything," tongue kiss the server and start twerking. Sometimes life is a marathon. But sometimes it's also a ...
|It's fun to end statements with question marks?
Christmas is almost here! Don't worry about those January bills if you have insurance and a flammable tree. BOSSES: Have lots of fun with the next round of dismissals by making fired employees wear ...
|Sometimes there's just no point to taking reality into consideration.
The ability to deal with emotion in a healthy manner will either be beaten out of you or strengthened by experience. Life is tough on the soul. Outsource your emotions to a third world country, ...
|Everytime you have to explain a joke, the Baby Jesus owes Richard Pryor five dollars.
The only thing that really differentiates a person from another are the delusions they chose to believe. If you face reality you'll be ready for it when it attempts to punch you in the face. Hey ...
|This holiday season, really choose to give yourself completely to gluttony and sloth.
Affirmation: “This week I will avoid falling prey to holiday excesses like some total asshole.” Thanksgiving week begins in the United States! Americans, begin the week with gratitude because ...
|No one's as confident as someone who's just about to fail miserably.
You can spend your life hating on terrorists, cancer, or yellow Starbursts, but you’re not a “hater” until you disagree with a stupid person. DON'T DO COCAINE BECAUSE THEN THERE MIGHT NOT BE ...
|Nothing's more frustrating than wanting to clobber someone but you're in a straitjacket.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for the Republicans. Black Friday is the only holiday I can think of that really captures the ...
|If you're rich, in America at this point in time, you are living a better life than any mammal ever
In today’s foodie culture, in which some fifth graders would rather feast on hand-delivered lunches of locally procured salmon over turkey on rye, the company is playing to moneyed, obsessive ...
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from this blog?
Set the sticky flag for this diary in the slide rotation:
Set the maximum number of slides to display in the feature:
Recommended by jbou
- I've been quiet for a while. After this some may well conclude that they were the good months. Months without Twigg, months of calm political discussion, months where progress was made ... ...642 comments 387 Recs
- Greetings, all you white supremacists, you Neo-Nazi Nutbags, you teabaggers and all you other racist Hatriots spreading your ignorant Islamaphobia all over this country; all you who equate 'science" ...162 comments 256 Recs
- A teacher at a Rhode Island charter school has been put on administrative leave after sending a ...3 comments 7 Recs
- The Trans-Pacific Partnership Intellectual Property Rights Chapter released to WikiLeaks late last year contains a Trade Secrets section that allows for the criminalization of investigative ...55 comments 152 Recs
- I'm a Tom Joad democrat, a prison reform democrat, an anti-poverty democrat and a pro-justice democrat - so the party left me a long time ago...and they never looked back as they went chasing after ...658 comments 589 Recs
- Tears well as a tsunami of emotion rises in me threatening to break through my skin and fill the world. All it takes is a song, a word, a memory - and I rumble like an earthquake down where the deep ...356 comments 324 Recs
- Earlier this week, in between the much-appreciated & simultaneously disagreeable-to-hiking rain storms, I took my dogs out for a wildflower sight-seeing hike. We went to a close, common hike for us, ...72 comments 89 Recs
- If I get high enough, this video will begin to make sense. I'm sure of it.12 comments 7 Recs