Fellow members of the DailyKos community, I wish I were writing to you under happier circumstances.  Unfortunately, however, there is a dark and heavy cloud hanging over us and I feel that it must be addressed.

I am certain by now that you have heard the disturbing and saddening news that last night, a Democrat won a Congressional seat in Mississippi in a special election.  Like me, you were probably horrified to learn that the Republicans lost this seat despite the fact that they had shoveled thousands of crisp jillion-dollar bills into the campaign coffers.

Not only that, but the Republicans also bought every commercial block available and showed video of Jeremiah Wright and Barack Obama stomping on kittens and feasting on the blood of the innocent.  Still the Democrats won.  

As I'm sure you know, this is horrible news for the Democrats.

This past Saturday, a small town near where I live (around Louisville, Kentucky) had a big Spring Festival and Parade.  Basically, you have a parade that goes down Main St. from one end of town to the other, then ends at the local elementary school.  

Outside the school, there's basically a carnival atmosphere.  There are the overpriced "rides", where it costs two dollars for a kid to go down a slide.  There's the triple-bypass fair food, where everything from hot dogs to Snickers bars to triple-bacon cheeseburgers are dipped in lard, fried, and put on sticks.  There's the standard carnival games, where toothless carnies try to goad you into throwing 5-inch balls into 4-inch holes to try to win stuffed generic versions of famous cartoon characters -- like that honey-loving bear Windie the Pooh and his bouncy friend Tiger, or maybe even the very famous Spongebill Rectangleshorts.

The presumptive nominee of the Republican party, Senator John McCain, continues to celebrate Friday morning, several days after winning blowout victories in both Indiana and North Carolina.  Though overshadowed by the hotly contested Democratic campaigns, McCain says his victories in the two states are a source of considerable pride.

John McCain, who secured the Republican nomination way the fuck back in the beginning of March, was able to win Indiana by a whopping 77.6% of the vote.  In North Carolina, McCain was able to secure almost three-fourths of the Republicans in the state, with slightly more than 74% of the vote.

You'll see a green painted sign
On the road into town
Sayin' "Get your black ass out
Before the sun goes down"
Them's just the rules
If your skin is brown
In the home of the brave
And the free

My fellow Americans, thank you for being here today.  As you know, the past few weeks have been very difficult for our campaign.  And that is why I am here today, to speak with you.

As you have no doubt heard, it has recently been alleged that my opponent has a tattoo on her right ass cheek.  My opponent denies these allegations, but how can we know for sure unless she shows us?  Some privacy advocates have been criticizing me for this stand.  But I say that the American people deserve to know!  Is there a tattoo?  How big is it?  What if it’s a swastika, or a hammer and sickle?  What if it says "Death to America" in Arabic?  My opponent can put these questions to rest very simply.  Until she does, this speculation raises very difficult questions about her electability.  The Republicans will hammer this relentlessly, much like I am doing now.

In the past few days, people have died in Iraq, the economy has taken some pretty heavy blows, and --- HOLY SHIT, STOP THE PRESSES.  This just in!  We have received reports that Barack Obama's pastor said the words "God damn America", while referring to injustices faced by the black community in the United States.  

We will now go to a split screen for the next 72 hours, where we will put the video of this black man jumping around and getting emotional in front of a black congregation on a continuous loop.  As you can see from the video, the pastor is black and so is his congregation.  

This black pastor's tone of voice and level of emotion is fairly typical of many, many churches across America, but coming from a black pastor in a black church it is quite troubling.  Also note that black Democratic candidate Barack Obama attends this black church and often hears this black pastor preaching.  This is a significant blow to the Obama campaign.

So I was reading the reports of Geraldine Ferraro's comments regarding Jesse Jackson back in 1988, which almost exactly mirror her remarks regarding Barack Obama.  If you haven't seen the quotes, have a look:

Here's her remarks from a fundraiser yesterday:

"If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position."

And here are her remarks from 1988 about Jesse Jackson:

"If Jesse Jackson were not black, he wouldn't be in the race."

This got me thinking... we are in the middle of a constant time loop, in which history continues to repeat itself over and over.  And so, with the help of LexisNexis, I have compiled the following six news stories.  Can you correctly guess the years of the news stories, letters to the editor, or editorials/columns listed below?  The answers are listed at the bottom -- no peeking!

Disclaimer:  In some cases, I have made minor edits removing dates or names that would directly identify the year of the article.

Some commie pinko liberal people like to say that George W. Bush is the worst president we have ever had.  Now, I think saying such things borders on treason, but one thing you cannot deny is that George W. Bush is a master of soaring oratory.

"As you know, my position is clear -- I'm a commander guy."
-- George W. Bush

How could you listen to these words and not be inspired?  

Just got the email from the Horne campaign -- Fighting Dem Andrew Horne is withdrawing from the race to unseat Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell.  He likely was not getting the kind of traction he needed in the race so far and was facing a primary challenge from wealthy businessman Bruce Lunsford, who can fund much of his own primary campaign.  

This decision was difficult for many reasons, not least because of the major challenges facing our Commonwealth and Country. Millions of Americans live without quality health care, we have shamefully disregarded the needs of our veterans, our education system is deeply flawed, and we remain embroiled in a mismanaged and ill-conceived war.  Through it all, Mitch McConnell is more interested in expanding the scope of his own power than using his office to benefit the hardworking families who make our country great.

Many people, when attempting to parse the reasons why George W. Bush does some of the ridiculous things that he does, arrive at simple, one-word motives:

• Stupidity
• Evil
• Arrogance

Others have postulated more complicated reasons.  For example, he's in love with his mother and therefore hates his father and therefore wants to prove his penis is bigger and therefore had to hang Saddam Hussein and occupy Iraq.

Hungry?

Perhaps I can interest you in some pizza?  Maybe follow that up with a sundae or a fruitcake?  How about a martini to go with that?  And later, if you're still hungry, a bagel for a snack?

Sound good?

Your bill comes to $1,688,000.  Will you be paying with a cashier's check?  

=========================================

1:36 PM  I read this recommended diary, "The year we stole a Christmas tree."

=========================================

1:42 PM  I comment in this diary

=========================================

1:43 PM  I go back and read the diary again

=========================================

1:48 PM  I read the comments

=========================================

2:01 PM  I'm back in 1987

=========================================

All right, welcome back to THE SCOTTY SHOW! with Girl Scotty.  A couple of things to get out of the way in this little intro box.  

First of all, if you're new to THE SCOTTY SHOW!, here's how it works.  We take a press briefing.  We make fun of it.  We say "fuck" a couple of times, and we try to work in a picture of a cat somewhere.  

Press Corps statements/questions are italicized for your pleasure.
Dana's bullshit is thick and bold, like in real life.
My comments are in plain ordinary text, which probably signifies something profound.

Okay, now you're up to date.

Are you going to Netroots Nation?  If so, you're probably stressing about your wardrobe.  Look no further.  By popular demand, there are new shirts, produced by our good friends at Goodstorm, that keep your upper body covered while conveying your status as a cool kid.  Check them out by clicking the picture below.

As kos pointed out earlier, we can see pretty plainly that the parole of Wayne Dumond, under pressure by then-governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee, was fueled by Freepers as well as NY Post columnist Steve Dunleavy as a direct result of their hatred for Bill Clinton.  

The Freepers have rented one of those big truck-sized paper shredders and are feeding sections of their website into it, but I'm here to ensconce them in the safe warm glow of Dailykos.  

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING:  Do not read the following Freeper quotes if you may be pregnant, are trying to become pregnant, or would ever like to become pregnant ever.  Please allow up to four hours after a meal to prevent projectile vomiting onto your computer monitor.  Karateexplosions assumes no liability for damage caused by putting your fist through the nearest breakable object should you read the following Freeper quotes.

Now that's out of the way.  Let's read.

This new Scotty is more aesthetically pleasing, yet there's definitely something missing.  Male genitalia?  Yes, that, and also brains.  She's like the love child of Scotty's inability to sound convincing while lying, and Bush's inability to form a cogent thought.  But that's how we like 'em over here at THE SCOTTY SHOW!

As you may know, THE SCOTTY SHOW! has been on hiatus for a while because I am trying to take over the world.  Since I don't have the power to do this by arresting all the people who oppose me and charge them with treason, I have to do it the hard way.  And it’s time consuming -- literally taking up tens of minutes out of my busy schedule.  This time constraint hardly allows for the painstaking and time-consuming process of carefully detailing the exquisite graphics you've come to love and expect from THE SCOTTY SHOW!  But sometimes, like today, I bribe you for your loyalty to the KE World Government by giving you another fine episode of THE SCOTTY SHOW!  

And please join me in celebrating the election of new KY governor Steve Beshear, who’s exactly where I need him to be when my World Domination plans reach fruition.

The other day my wife was checking our voice mail and made me listen to the message.  A recording of a man was speaking in a slow Kentucky drawl:

Democrat Steve Beshear took the Ten Commandments out of our schools, has caused millions of babies to die due to abortion, and runs with the homosexual lobby.  I want to invite you down to the Valley Station Church tomorrow night for a chicken dinner with all the fixin's so our community can discuss how to stop him.  You are our last hope for the survival of our state...

As much as I like chicken dinners with all the fixin's in local churches filled with fucking insane people, I told my wife, "Honey, looks like we're voting for Steve Beshear.  Now THAT'S a motherfucker who can get some shit DONE.  And I'm impressed that he's able to do it while running at all, much less with the homosexual lobby."

As most of you are already aware by now, Rush Limbaugh's fine military affairs radio program recently highlighted a problem that has been afflicting our military for quite a while, now:  Phony Soldiers.

Phony soldiers are these guys who sign up for the military, go through the training, get shipped overseas, go out on foot patrols, combat terrorism and sectarian violence, get shot at, have bombs blow up near them, watch friends die, wonder if they'll ever see their hometown or their spouse or children ever again, and yet have doubts about whether we are really combating terrorism in the most effective way.

Fucking frauds, according to Limbaugh.  "Phony Soldiers".  

"Do you work for UPS?  Because I think you're checking out my package."
"Want to come over to my place for sex and pizza, or do you not like pizza?"
"Nice dress... it'll look great on my bedroom floor."

Et cetera.

Go to a bar, go to a club, go to just about any social gathering where there are a lot of people, and you're going to hear pickup lines.  In fact, it doesn't even have to be a social gathering, really.  College, grocery stores... even church are not off-limits from pickup lines.