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Responding to fallout from a New York Times op-ed piece in which outgoing director Greg Smith described the firm’s environment as “toxic and destructive,” Goldman Sachs chairman Lloyd Blankfein not only publicly praised Mr. Smith while thanking him for his contributions to the firm, but also credited him as the inspiration for Goldman’s newest, and according to Blankfein, “most innovative investment vehicle in many years.”

Disagreeing with Smith’s allegations that Goldman has developed a culture which puts profits ahead of clients’ interests, Blankfein told reporters, “I was of course shocked and saddened when I read Greg’s piece this morning. All I can say is — and his stellar performance might bear this out — I think the poor guy was probably just working too hard. We at Goldman could not agree more with his sentiments as to how we should operate, not only because it’s good business, but because it’s the right thing to do — for our clients as well as for our long-term bottom-line. Remember, we are the one Wall Street firm that takes pride in doing the Lord’s work.”

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A visibly haggard Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus emerged from a closed-door emergency meeting of the RNC’s Executive Council this afternoon and announced to the crowd gathered outside the meeting room the immediate suspension of his party’s 2012 Presidential primaries.

Word of the announcement spread like wildfire as several of the lunchtime throng seated in the main dining room of the Whitewater, Wisconsin Applebee’s realized that the seemingly disoriented individual who had just emerged from the restaurant’s banquet room to disturb their midday meal was no ordinary rambling lunatic, and apparently something important was afoot. While several took to Twitter and Facebook to document their presence at this unprecedented, historic event, another called a local newspaper to suggest they send a reporter.

“I honestly couldn’t believe my luck — this is probably the best scoop I’ll get all year,” said Skippy Fartbuster, editor-in-chief of the Whitewater Central High Weekly Bugle, who took the call.

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In a major shift which may come too late to impact next week’s ‘Super Tuesday’ primaries, Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney’s campaign today unveiled the latest strategy which they hope will help their candidate to better connect with the electorate. In addition, they also introduced the newest high-powered addition to their team, former McCain 2008 chief strategist and Woody Harrelson look-alike Steve Schmidt.

According to Pueblo State University political science professor Newton Toomey, the Romney team’s number one priority now must be to slow the momentum of former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum.

“Sen. Santorum is coming up behind Gov. Romney so quickly and seemingly so suddenly that it almost appears as if they’re playing the roles of a priest and a choirboy,” Toomey observed. “And after narrowly defeating the Senator in Michigan —

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In a move described by Republican strategists as “going all in” in his effort to grab the conservative mantle from his opponents, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney today took a hard-line position in the so-called ‘culture wars’ by declaring that, as President, he would seek the deportation of openly gay individuals and women suspected of using contraception.

Facing possible defeat in his childhood home state of Michigan, Romney also used the occasion of this announcement to take a swipe at the fiscal history and credentials of his chief rival, Catholic conservative Rick Santorum. Santorum’s gain in momentum in recent weeks has, in the view of most experts, made him a serious threat to come from behind and barrel right through the current front-runner.

Follow on Twitter: @DesperatBlogger

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In a stunning move that rocked the political world from Nome to Homs, Bashar al-Assad announced earlier today that he will be stepping down as President of Syria and will immediately focus his full attention on his pursuit of the Republican Party’s nomination for President of the United States. According to aides, he has also already resigned from the Baath party and will register as a Republican as early as Monday, presumably in La Jolla California where he owns a residence which is currently undergoing an expansion.

from http://www.

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February 11th, 2012

Scrambling to avoid being outflanked by the Obama campaign — which on Friday released a list of 29 songs to be played at the incumbent President’s campaign events — all four GOP presidential campaigns today released partial playlists along with promises to make their full soundtracks public by the end of the week.

The reasons for not having full playlists available immediately varied by campaign:

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January 24th, 2012

According to papers filed late Monday with the Securities and Exchange Commission and the Federal Election Commission, Bain Capital, the Wall Street investment firm once headed by former Massachusetts governor and current GOP Presidential runner-up leader Mitt Romney, has reached an agreement to purchase all outstanding shares of the embattled pro-Romney Super-PAC Restore Our Future, Inc.

When reached for comment, Bain spokesman Weir Dippschitz said no immediate changes among the top ROF executives are planned, however, “a major rebranding and other ‘fine tuning’ are already in the works.”

The first, and most noticeable change as far as the casual observer is concerned, will be a change to the Super-PAC’s name. As of February 1 — one day after the pivotal Florida primary — ‘Restore Our Future’ will be known as ‘Restore Our Past’.

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Pay tribute to Cheetah, who passed away on Dec. 24, 2011 without ever receiving his well-deserved Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and let the GOP know our country deserves a candidate who would make a better President than a dead chimpanzee...

More faithful than Gingrich,
More human than Romney,
More open-minded than Paul,
A better debater than Perry,
Saner than Bachmann,
More electable than Santorum,
Better known than Huntsman...

If you agree with the millions of Americans who believe that that nobody on the Republican Presidential Primary Ballot is a better candidate, then Write-in Your Vote for Cheetah -- The Better Primate...

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I believe ____________ would make a better President than a dead chimpanzee:

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0%0 votes
0%0 votes
0%0 votes
6%1 votes
13%2 votes
0%0 votes
80%12 votes

| 15 votes | Vote | Results


Unconfirmed reports indicate that Capitol police have called for a hostage negotiator to respond to an ongoing situation in the Capitol building in which House Speaker John Boehner and Majority Leader Eric Cantor have barricaded themselves in a conference room, demanding that they be joined there by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell along with President Obama and the Obama family dog Bo. Authorities have confirmed that the eight Republican House members appointed by the ‘Cincinnati Cinnamon Stick’ to the conference committee which he was expecting to negotiate the pending tax holiday legislation with Senate Democrats are with the Speaker and Majority Leader, but it is not certain if they are there voluntarily or have been taken hostage like the rest of the country.

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GOP presidential front-runner Newt Gingrich today unveiled his plan to reform the nation’s juries, the second — and what he describes as “most crucial” — step to rein in what he views as our most troublesome branch of government.

The former House Speaker, acknowledging that bullying and browbeating so-called ‘activist judges’, “can only accomplish so much,” called for jurors — whose pay is taxpayer financed — “to be held to the highest possible standard or face severe consequences.”

When asked to elaborate, the erstwhile ethically challenged former GOP leader explained, “The judicial system is our only branch of government yet to be privatized — it remains fully funded by the public. While the Executive and Legislative branches both answer to private interests as well as, to some degree,  the public at large, activist and renegade judges and juries are free to run wild secure in the knowledge that the average voter is too busy to monitor their activities. Unless and until private money finds its way into this third branch of government, the other two branches, I feel, can only be derelict in their duty to uphold the public trust unless they have the authority to more closely scrutinize and influence an otherwise independent judiciary and judicial system.”


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Happy Holidays – just kidding… Merry Christmas to all of our subscribers!  We at 1%er Talking Points hope you spend your end-of-year bonuses in good health as we all look forward to another year of unprecedented prosperity!

With that in mind, the editors would like to share with you a suggestion passed along by one of our readers who, like most of you, wishes to remain anonymously above the fray…  As many of you will be attending the season’s major art auctions, you may be well advised to purchase a portfolio of works by living relative unknowns.  As our anonymous source, former hedge fund CEO and Professor of Recession Economics at Pueblo State University, Newton Toomey points out, with the predictable pending upswing in the mortality rate among artists, most of whom are unemployed, uninsured, and otherwise belong with society’s other bottom-feeders, those currently producing works of merit can be expected to die in the short-to-medium term (as opposed to medium-to-long) leaving behind limited bodies of work which should appreciate handsomely in value.  As an ancillary benefit, ‘supporting’ struggling artists by purchasing a warehouse full of contemporary pieces at fire-sale prices (even by today’s standards — remember, they need to buy food and pay rent) as opposed to purchasing one $20 million Rembrandt will help to solidify your credentials as a ‘job creator’.

(Disclaimer:  As always, we at ‘1%er Talking Points’ bear no responsibility for any action taken by any organization, group, or individual based upon any statements or actions of ours.)

Again, Merry Christmas and a Happy and Profitable New Year!

Now, on to the task at hand:


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New York (DBI) – As if their depiction by GOP Presidential hopeful Herman Cain wasn’t already hard enough to swallow, scores of ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protestors were rushed to area hospitals today after falling ill from what sources believe was a tainted delivery — ironically, it is presumed, —  from Godfather’s Pizza, Cain’s former company.

“When we arrived at the scene, we observed perhaps a hundred or more people in various stages of gastrointestinal distress,” EMS Captain Christopher Toomey told reporters.  “We were able to confirm that most of them had consumed various food items that had been delivered earlier in the day.  But I must say, there were several really queasy looking ones I spoke with personally who had not eaten at all, but did report they had been watching YouTube videos of Mr. Cain’s weekend television appearances.”

Toomey added that none of the cases appeared to be life threatening.

When told of the incident – and its positive prognosis — Mr. Cain is reported to have responded to an aide, “Of course it’s not life threatening – none of those a****s have lives.”

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