From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today:  We're not retiring in Florida, at least here:

THE VILLAGES: Dozens of fans from across the state lined up as early as 4:30 a.m. for a chance to meet [Oliver] North, a Vietnam War veteran who is host of Fox News Channel's documentary series War Stories with Oliver North.[...]

North's visit to The Villages was one of several stops on a national promotion tour for American Heroes, which features personal accounts of U.S. soldiers North met while embedded in Afghanistan, Iraq and the Philippines.

Retired wingnuts think The Villages is heaven; thus, we're staying the hell away from there.  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today:Your North Platte, Nebraska, Police at Work:

At 8:16 p.m. on April 22, a North Platte police patrolman was dispatched by the 911 Center to a North Platte home in the 200 block of William Avenue on the complaint of a wedgie[...]

The officer was able to calm the situation and no one was cited or arrested.

The police spokesman said they are ever vigilant and on the lookout for wedgies here.

Because when the number of wedgies explode, the terrorists win.  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today: Credit Crunch Hits Bank Execs Where It Feels Good:  

Deutsche Bank, Germany's largest, has been hit by the global credit crunch so badly that it has issued a memorandum to senior executives telling them that brothel visits and adult channels in hotel rooms cannot be claimed on expenses.[...]

It says the directive was aimed at 800 workers in the bank's communications and social responsibility department, but variations have been sent to all workers.

Fascist bastards!

Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today:  There is no top story today, for reasons I'll explain in the tip jar.  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today: Your Abstinence-Only Sex Education At Work:

A recent survey that found some Florida teens believe drinking a cap of bleach will prevent HIV and a shot of Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy has prompted lawmakers to push for an overhaul of sex education in the state.

State lawmakers said the myths are spreading because of Florida's abstinence-only sex education, Local 6 reported.

The usual suspects who oppose this almost certainly oppose Plan B and abortions as well.  Christianism uber alles!  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today:  Wave that Junk to Impress the Ladies!  Recent studies of Amazon River dolphins have revealed that the males of that species woo females by grasping water grass or even tree branches between their teeth and displaying their prizes in a ritualistic way.  The behavior had previously been documented only with chimpanzees and humans, but the dolphins use it with more subtlety.  Cue the theme music!  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today: Swedish town celebrates Church Cock victory!

This isn't about what it sounds like.  No, really:

"It’s a lovely cock," said Anna-Maria Larsson, the parish vicar, who plans to mention the award during Easter services on Sunday.

"We’re fortunate to have such a nice symbol on top of our old church."

Finally, we found a new church for Ted Haggard to preach in!  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today: Secret Ingredient Discovered in South Miami Beach Omelets:

If this were Oklahoma, Sally Kern would be all over it.  But I'm sure she's busy hunting down falafels instead.  In the meantime.....let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

It's March Madness!!!  Here, with a special comment, is Dick Vitale!

March Madness!! You can feel it in the air, baby! Oh, yeah! The Presidential Race! Missisippi!  Pennsylvania!  Guam! It's showtime, baby! Toughest state? Pennsylvania! No doubt about it, baby! Number-one seed is Barack O-bama! Let's see him in action! He's fired up and ready to go! He ain't jivin’ for no one!  Ohhh!! The symbolism, baby! Oh, yeah! Obama's chief competition is Hillary Clinton! But don't forget about the superdelegates! In the end, though, Obama’s takin' home the nomination, baby!

Cheers and Jeers MONDAY begins behind There's More!  (Cue the theme music!)  Right.....NOW!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story today: when the men's versions come out, be prepared for the obvious jokes!

GREEN designers have invented women’s underwear made of WOOD.

The environmentally friendly knickers and bras use fibres from white pine trees.

There is no risk of splinters because the fibres are spun to create a silky-soft fabric.

Non-toxic dyes are used to eliminate allergic reactions.

This is what in the termite world is called, "edible underwear."   Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Proposed John McCain slogans and talking points:

1. One-term president, two-term Wal-Mart greeter.

2. McCain: Now with less POW angst.

3. War, not platitudes.

4. McCain for McPresident. McNow.

5. 99 billion creepy smiles served.

6. I did not have Senatorial relations with my girlfriend.

7. I still believe in a place called the Panama Canal Zone.

The return of Doc's Cheers and Jeers MONDAY begins behind There's More!  (Cue the theme music!)  Right.....NOW!  

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today: Why, God, WHY, doesn't this happen to Shrub?

Polish police are baffled after a cyclist was badly burned when his trousers burst into flames.

Mieczyslaw Jasinski, 55, told doctors he smelt burning and looked down to see his trousers had caught fire.[...]

A police spokesman said: "Witnesses said he was like a flaming human torch cycling along the road."

They must be issuing fireproof garments in the Whitehouse, considering the number of flaming assholes that work there.  
Let's go to press!  

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today: Nancy Nipples Has Some Milk For YOU!  

Nancy Nipples started the Pike Place Market Creamery in Seattle 30 years ago, selling milk, butter, cream and the like to help local independent dairies. It didn’t help enough, and little by little they disappeared. "Last year a whole new group of local independent dairies started up a new cycle," Ms. Nipples said. "Hallelujah! The cream has 40 to 45 percent butter fat so you don’t have to chant over it to whip it."

I'm not making this up. Let's go to press!

From the Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois.....

Our Top Story Today:  Who are you and what have you done with the Speaker Of the House?

I was working on my pet patients yesterday (among other things, wiring a broken jaw together) with only limited time to check online, and I about fell out of my chair when I saw what the House D's did yesterday.  Derail the FISA bill with telco immunity AND pass contempt citations for two WH aides?  Knock me over with a feather!  Lots more coverage below the jump....let's go to press!

From the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois.....

The NewsTeam at the AWIAEWNCOYS has finally gotten on the bridge to the 21st Century: a brand-new HP Pavilion dv9000 widescreen laptop, with full wi-fi capability!  So now faithful partner in life, news assistant, and one who just flat-out looks pretty (Nancy) can write to her heart's content, while I get uninterrupted time to bring you the mortal missives you've come to expect every week!  Let's go to press with the first laptop-produced AWI!

What a difference three months make.  Back in October, I attended a Barack Obama rally that was held in a parking lot at Union Station where he spoke before 800-1,000 people; I wrote a diary about attending the rally, which I got to watch from the front row, after which I encountered the Senator in a most unusual way.  At that time Hillary Clinton still had a commanding lead in the national polls and in most of the states, including Missouri.

Now, in February, things have changed, and a mere parking lot (and not even all of that) cannot contain the sheer numbers of listeners and supporters that turn out for Obama these days.  Last night's rally took an indoor football stadium to hold the crowds, and there was no hope of us getting anywhere near the front!

The Alton Weekly Inquirer!  News from around the nation, around the world, and up your alley!  ("Up my alley?"  Up YOURS!)

Sorry we missed publication last week.  I was working an extra day for a colleague and friend in Mt. Vernon, and his place didn't have Internet access.  I missed seeing my hundreds tens handful of fans last Friday!  But we're back, and I have something for you this week!  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

The Alton Weekly Inquirer!  News from around the nation, around the world, and up your alley!  ("Up my alley?"  Up YOURS!)

Looks like a wild weekend ahead, as St. John of So-Called Straight Talk goes up against Preacher Mike in SC, while our own heroes fight for votes in Nevada.  But culture will trump politics for us Saturday night, as Nancy and I will be attending a St. Louis Symphony concert.  We'll see how this comes out!  Meantime.....let's go to press!

Our Top Story Today: Clusterf**k Nation!

Thank you, America's Mitten, (Yoopers too!), for lending even more of a manic quality to the Republican nomination race! (AP Photo)