Tonight nine little girls will gather at my house for a sleep-over (God help us) to celebrate my daughter's sixth birthday.

They will eat pizza and cake, watch Return to Witch Mountain and then play some version of Ten Little Indians to see how many of them will actually make it through the night.

But while I should be thinking of cake and painted toenails, my mind is filled with math:

Anaheim, California

Faced with countering Barack Obama's hugely successful speech in Germany, Senator John McCain boarded a boat and sailed into a castle filled with foreign citizens in the hope of proving that he too had international appeal.

The speech, which was filled rhetoric touting continued aggression towards poor people living in oppressed countries, further fear mongering, and ongoing policies steeped in arrogance and self-interest was received surprisingly well, with unexpected bouts of clapping, singing and dancing.

they are waving american flags in berlin.

...for the sake of "time".

TO: CBS editing team.
SUBJECT: Jaws

Can we just edit the "shark" out of the movie.

Its a little scary and we were hoping to air a segment with Katie in a bikini called "Beachy! Sexy! Craaaazy! Are your thighs ready for summer?"

I cannot believe these people! I canceled my subscription before, but I am now calling the magazine to get a NEW subscription, so that I can cancel it again later today!

No, no. Better yet... I'm going to buy the entire magazine so that I can go into the office of every staff member wearing a Donald Trump style wig and yell, "You're so totally and everlastingly unemployed!"

Don't know what I'm talking about?

WELL, LOOK AT THIS, SPANKY:

A few thoughts on "good-bye" and "see you next year" and... I guess... the current political climate.

True story:

Washington, July 20th, 2008

Presidential Candidate John McCain held a press conference today to clarify his response to Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki's statement that:

"U.S. presidential candidate Barack Obama talks about 16 months. That would be the right timeframe for a withdrawal... with slight changes."

Initially Senator McCain said, "(al-Maliki's) domestic politics require him to be for us getting out," but that drew fire from some who wondered how the Senator from Arizona could work with the al-Maliki if he couldn't take him at his word.

"With the Iraqi Prime Minister you need to ignore what he actually says, my friends, and listen instead to what WE say he says," The Republican candidate began.

the revolution will be stoked by a grey-bearded man who emerged from six years of prison with the clear understanding that power is seeing into action what has been promised with mere words...

Hey, live from Netroots Nation here!

I'm no good at typing fast so there will probably be a lot of mistakes, but even though I had to go through a full-body cavity search and sign a loyalty pledge (and agree to allow my phone and my email and my private thoughts to be tapped) I wouldn't have missed this opportunity for the world!

First let me say that I'm VERY impressed with the thirty foot tall ice sculpture of Progressive Heroes of the Twentieth Century, though I almost came to blows with Giselle Bundchen over whether or not Bill Clinton should have been part of the display.

Are those articles of impeachment in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Dear David Remnick, Editor, New Yorker:

Dude, I've ben thinking about a hysterical piece of cover art.

What if I did one of those evolutionary charts, showing how primitive man evolved into modern man, but where the missing link is supposed to go... I drew Barack Obama! It could be ironic, y'know, and show how SOME think black people are a lower form of human life!

Oh! And I could draw it so the last figure... the most evolved... looks like John McCain!

Huh? Huh? Funny?

Tell me what you think?

Love,

Barry Blitt, illustrator

INT. CAR - AFTER SUNDAY BASKETBALL - AFTERNOON

"Daddy, what's that sign say?"

"Huh?"

"That sign. What's it say?"

I turn, seeing a rail-thin young woman standing under a palm tree in the median on Santa Monica Blvd.

"It says... 'Need food. Can you help?'"

"What, Daddy?"

"It says, 'Need food, Can you help?'"

This little tale likely has NO political value whatsoever.

Please forgive me in advance.

In an attempt to help fellow Republican John McCain, President Bush issued and executive order this week formally changing the Merriam-Webster definition of the world "Maverick" from "a person with independence of thought or action, a non-conformist" to a "corporatist, faux-religious centrist, bootlicking, warmonger, willing to change positions and deceive the public into voting against their own self-interest".

The McCain camp, in turn, responded with gratitude, campaign manager Rick Davis issuing a statement that reads, "As we've stated from the beginning there is no one more all warm and maverciky than the Senior Senator from Arizona."

Dear Bill and Katherine:

I know we discussed you and your family coming to stay with us in Los Angeles, but I'm sad to say that our house is in the middle of foreclosure and by the time you get here, we will likely be homeless. FORTUNATELY, as Phil Gramm of the McCain campaign has stated, this is simply a mental depression and, as such, I have gone and imagined myself a four bedroom house with a pool in Beverly Hills! Therefore, if you'd like to mentally come stay at my imaginary house... just call our brain-butler Frank and he'll feed our newly imagined unicorn, Sparkles, so he's nice and strong to give your children a flying ride!

Due to Republican John S. McCain's recent troubles mastering the teleprompter, the Senator's campaign has organized a crack team of linguists, copy-editors, and speechwriters to publish "corrections" on the internet and in emails to press following all of his appearances. The first of these speech rectifications was issued this morning...

President Barack Obama will not lower your cholesterol.

He will not personally show up in your bathroom to give you a bikini wax.

And he will not inspire the local Catholic Church to start handing out “The Pope respects BOTH your reproductive choices and your gay lover!” bumper stickers...