Dear Son,
As you get ready to go off to college, there are some important things I need to tell you about, to prepare you for life. Besides the usual advice of keeping up your grades, studying hard, respecting your teachers, and doing your best to eat right while in school, there’s something else I must warn you about.
Don’t drink too much, son, or you might be raped.
I know what you’re thinking, that a part of the fun of college is the usual binge drinking sorority parties that you will be invited to, or the local house parties that will be adorned with cute young women on the prowl.
I need to warn you, though, if you drink too much, you will be making yourself a potential victim.
You see, when college women drink, well, they just can’t seem to help themselves, and they will be looking for an easy target, most likely, drunken young cute men such as yourself to take advantage of. It happens all the time, and young men need to prepare themselves for this potential danger. Young women will ply you with cheap alcohol, and try to get you to go into their bedrooms with them. So, you have to plan on this possibly happening, and do what you can to protect yourself. Please don’t get drunk. You are only making yourself an easy target for these uncontrollable sorority sisters.
When you go out drinking with your buddies, try not to look too handsome. I know it’s hard for you, son, with those piercing blue eyes and that charming smile of yours, but let’s be real: All those blue shirts that bring out your beautiful eyes could lead to a woman thinking you are coming on to her, and could lead to you being raped by her. I think it might be best for you to leave the blue shirts at home for now. We know that those horny young girls just can’t stop themselves. Once they start drinking, well, they can’t help but use you as their little boy toy sex machine. One minute you’re doing shots with your friends, and then the next morning you wake up leaning on the cold wall outside your dorm with your pants around your knees, a beer bottle protruding from your rear, and the overwhelming smell of dirty underwear on your face.
Be safe, son. See you at Christmas.
