Leonard loves his bunny. And I love my little bubba. Spark joy, he does.
I’m so confused, y’all. I’m experiencing that thing where scarcity makes your brain not work right. Poverty is traumatic and causes PTSD, for real. I’m trying really hard, as you know, and I’m making some progress, but I’m also getting kicked in the teeth, frequently enough to make it increasingly hard to get back up again. Last post, I wrote about my clients making progress; unfortunately right after I wrote that, my younger client passed on. He was only 56, but he was very ill with kidney failure. We were at the doctor’s getting him a scan when it happened. If I’d known that us sitting together quietly in the waiting room was going to be the last thirty minutes of his life, I’d have spent it differently. But I didn’t know. And that is how it happens. His pain is over now and wherever he is, he is at peace.
That was hard. I’ve also been having problems with my car, which is a little 1991 Mercedes 190e requiring expensive replacement parts. You may remember this was my first car in ten years, and I really felt great about having a car with all the legal paperwork and stuff. It gave me the idea that maybe I could climb out of poverty. It made me feel like a valid member of society, turning the crank of the economy, like productive adults do. Since last December, I’ve been dealing with car problems. A local mobile mechanic has been working on it, and I’ve spent probably $600 over the past few months, then $400 yesterday, literally every penny that I had, plus forty bucks I had to borrow from my roommate. The mechanic told me it might not fix the problem, but he replaced the fuel pressure regulator and thermostat housing and water outlet, and he started it and it ran great. The battery is new, I’ve replaced all the belts, the exhaust system, four tires, and a couple of expensive relays but it’s apparently in terrible shape and the mechanic says, parts are failing. Later last night I drove and the car worked fine. Got up this morning to go to work, and it wouldn’t start. And the mechanic is out of town for a few days. Getting another car is out of my reach, my credit is terrible and I don’t have any income without my car, at this point.
Since my client died, we’ve had two big snowstorms; between that and car problems, I haven’t been able to get a new client. I only have eleven hours a week right now, which I can’t work without a car. So there’s not a lot coming in a month from now. I finally got an MRI of my back and neck, and the reason it’s so painful to stand or walk or sleep is because I have three ruptured discs. The first surgery, on my back, won’t happen until May and it’ll take four days in the hospital, then I’ll have to wear a brace. Maybe I could let go of the car, move downtown, find clients that don’t want to go anywhere, but I can’t walk even to the bus stop for the foreseeable future. I need a better job, that I can do sitting down. I hope that someday I will be hiking and dancing or just standing around talking with people. It will just take time to heal.
I’ve been applying for therapist jobs again (although Eugene is lousy with mental health professionals, and I’ve been looking for over three years: put myself out there, get knocked down, get back up. Repeat. Question myself mercilessly until my confidence is gone.) Trying to make it on poverty level wages so I can keep my healthcare is really hard, but Oregon’s expanded Medicaid is the best insurance I’ve ever had. I’m terrified of losing it. But if I got a counseling job, in two years I’d have my license, and then I would be in a much better position to have a car that works and other luxuries like that. And the job search is going well, I’ve gotten several calls and had two interviews, one in Coos Bay, on the coast, over two hours from Eugene; another here (I was rejected.) But the coast job pays really well, and it is quiet, and near the ocean, which is beautiful. But I’m working on a healthy support system here in Eugene, unusual in my adult life. But I really need to secure something more durable for my future than mere subsistence, with near-homeless periods; I need to be using my master’s, I need to be helping people, and I need to be getting paid more. But moving to Coos Bay would be tricky, and I’d be lonely. But in two years I’d have my license. But maybe if I keep trying, I could find a counseling job here in Eugene. Maybe not. There’s some reason I keep getting rejected, even if it’s something I can’t control for, like my age. I don’t see how I could turn down the job in Coos Bay if it is offered.
I’m just going around and around. I don’t think about applying for disability anymore; I may be blessed with high-functioning autism and cursed with depression and anxiety, but I hope I am capable to take care of myself, with just a little support. I’m hoping to find an intentional community. I’m estranged from my conservative Southern family, so I have to find that support in other places. I’m such a nerd that Daily Kos is my social media. I have a hard time connecting to people, for a long time it never happened IRL. But I’m getting better. I have a spiritual practice, and new friends, and old friends. I go to counseling and see my shrink. Last night I went to a gathering of women, and there were many people there, but I led a prayer, and wasn’t too freaked out, and met new people. The women were so appreciative of my facilitating the activity. Leonard particularly enjoyed the fire and skritches. It seems stupid to leave a place where I’m healing and finding friends.
The idea of leaving Eugene makes me sad, but that might be the only way I can get a therapist job and get licensure. The idea of pouring more money into my car seems dumb, but it might be the only way I can have a car, and if my car works I can make money. If I abandon the whole having-a-car project, then I’ll need to move and get a different job and completely rearrange my life. I’d appreciate some advice. Y’all are always so wise with your guidance and suggestions and it really helps me clarify my thinking in a way that I can’t do when I’m verbally discussing something, because the talky-looky thing is overwhelming. See, that right there is something I never realized before this minute. It’s like I was forking asleep until I was forty-five.
Of course, I’m panicking about money; rent will be due before I’ve had a chance to earn it, but more urgently, Leonard the WonderWoozle needs to go to the vet for his itchy-dog shot and get food, and my car insurance payment is due, if I still have a car. If you can, please help by donating $5; if that’s not a lot of money for you, it’s a lot of money for me. My goal is $250. Oh, my registration is expired also. I forgot about that. Anyway. You can paypal me through my email address, which is leannemnorth (at) gmail (dot) com. Or here is a link. I would be so, so grateful, and also send you a thank-you note if I can. Thank you so much, I don’t know where I’d be without the support and love and advice and wind-beneath-my-wings I have found here, but I will never give up. Never.
