[SCENE: Mar-a-Lago office of Donald TRUMP. Vice presidential hopefuls are being interviewed by TRUMP for the VP slot on the GOP ticket. In the room are Kristi NOEM, Tim SCOTT, Doug BURGUM and J.D. VANCE.]
TRUMP: So you really shot the family dog?
NOEM: Right in the face. Plus a goat. Twice.
TRUMP: I like that. You're a killer. Mike Pence was not a killer.
SCOTT: I'll kill my gerbil!
BURGUM: Figures you'd have a gerbil, Scott.
VANCE: I'll kill the family dog, the cat, goldfish... Hell, I'll shoot one of the kids if that's what it takes.
NOEM: I actually did it, Mr. President! These guys are all phonies! I kill things!
TRUMP: Putin has people who will kill his political enemies. I like that.
BURGUM: Mr. President, I'm a billionaire. I can get it done.
TRUMP: I don't want to know about it. You'll talk with Boris Epshtyn, assuming he's not in prison on state charges somewhere.
BURGUM: Perfect.
VANCE: President Trump, I know hillbillies! They'll do whatever I ask. You read my book, right?
TRUMP: Do you know anything about me, Vance?
VANCE: Sorry, sir.
TRUMP: The last book I read was Mein Kampf. Well, I didn't read it, but I had Ivanka read it to me at bedtime.
SCOTT: Loved that book, sir!
NOEM: Me, too! I loved Nine Comp!
BURGUM: Mein Kampf, not Nine Comp, Kristi.
NOEM: I knew that, Burgum. I'm governor of the smarter Dakota.
SCOTT: Sir, I rank Hitler right up there with Kim Jong Un, Vladimir Putin, Viktor Orban and Xi from China. Great leaders. I bet Adolph Hitler would have loved you sir!
TRUMP: No doubt. He would have sent me love letters like Kim.
VANCE: President Trump, if you name me as your vice president, I will do everything in my power to make sure that your place in history is right up there with Adolph Hitler.
TRUMP: Powerful statement, J.D. Anyone else?
NOEM: I'll kill any one and any thing! Just snap your fingers, sir!
TRUMP: This is going to be a tough choice...