Trix
Seventeen days after U.S. resident Jamal Khashoggi entered the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, never to be seen or heard from again, Saudi Arabia finally admitted what the rest of the world—with the notable exception of President @realDonaldTrump—had known, or at least suspected, all along—he is no more.
According to the Saudis' cover story, after entering the consulate, the 59-year-old journalist got in a fist fight with the 15-man hit squad that had, purely by coincidence, arrived in Turkey that very same day with a bone saw—ultimately resulting in his death and dismemberment.
It's a tale so ridiculous that you'd have to be a complete idiot to believe it.
Fortunately for the Saudis, Trump just so happens to be a complete idiot.
And, the fact that that Trump has a soft spot for authoritarian strongmen certainly doesn't hurt the Saudis' case.
This week, a new front opened in the culture wars, when Taylor Swift jumped into the political arena for the first time.
Taking to social media, Ms. Swift urged her fans and followers—who far outnumber those of President @realDonaldTrump, but not of former President Obama—to vote in the midterm elections, and to vote for Democrats.
The move sent shockwaves throughout the far-right—where Swift had long been seen as an "Aryan goddess"—and caused her stock to drop around 25% with Trump.
Meanwhile, Swift's nemesis, Kanye West, saw his stock rise with Trump this week.
During a televised Oval Office meeting, the rapper delivered a 10 minute soliloquy on everything from mental illness (his own), to hydrogen planes, to the 13th Amendment, to masculinity, and more.
It was really quite... something.
We'll just have to wait and see how many jobs this hip-hop BBQ created.
This week, perhaps more than any other during the presidency of @realDonaldTrump, could best be described as manic.
First came the laughter—lots and lots of raucous laughter—from the United Nations General Assembly directed at (not with) Trump. #Respect
That was followed by a widespread sense of confusion and bewilderment over Trump's 81-minute freewheeling press conference. #WTAF
Next came the tears, as Dr. Christine Blasey Ford publicly recounted her allegations of being sexually assaulted by SCOTUS nominee Brett Kavanaugh during the summer of 1982. #IBelieveHer
Kavanaugh responded to Ford's highly-credible testimony with some (crocodile) tears of his own, along with plenty of belligerence, entitlement and contempt—as well as a healthy dose of perjury for good measure. #Beer
When all was said and done, despite numerous serious questions being raised about Kavanaugh's honesty (read: lack thereof), judicial temperament and fitness, it seemed like he was on track to be confirmed.
But then a funny thing happened on the way to a floor vote—Jeff Flake discovered the remnants of his spine, and suddenly Kavanaugh's ascension was put on hold pending a (severely limited?) FBI investigation.
Womp womp.
This was arguably one of the wettest weeks we've seen during @realDonaldTrump's presidency, at least from the standpoint of water that Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court nomination took on.
Kavanaugh's troubles began late last week, when word got around that Sen. Dianne Feinstein was in possession of a confidential letter accusing him of attempted rape as a high school student.
Then, on Sunday morning, Kavanaugh's accuser—Dr. Christine Blasey Ford—identified herself in the Washington Post and called upon the FBI to conduct an investigation into her claims, creating a public relations nightmare for the GOP.
Rather than accede to Dr. Ford's requests, Senate Judiciary Committee Republicans (11 white men) dug in their heels and demanded that she agree to testify toot sweet.
Meanwhile, Kavanaugh's acquaintances, allies, and ex-girlfriends sought to discredit Dr. Ford by suggesting that she might be mixing him up with his doppelgänger—or, alternatively, arguing that attempted rape isn't really rape.
And besides, it all (allegedly) happened so long ago, and boys will be boys.
In the White House, Trump's aides were reportedly stunned that—until Friday—he had refrained from directly attacking Dr. Ford; after all, when you're a star, they let you do it—you can do anything.
This week, America observed the 17th (!) anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks, and saw a president totally out of his element.
Constitutionally incapable of filling the role of "consoler-in-chief," @realDonaldTrump instead spent a good part of the solemn day attacking the FBI/DOJ and Bob Woodward.
It was a performance that the country will likely #NeverForget, regardless of how much historical revisionism Trump engages in.
Speaking of which, Trump's superlative efforts to gaslight the public into believing that his response to Hurricane Maria was an "unsung success"—and the official death toll of nearly 3,000 Americans is a Democratic conspiracy to make him look bad—fell flat with just about everyone except Lou Dobbs.
Perhaps Trump will have better luck convincing people that his campaign chairman's guilty plea and cooperation agreement aren't bad news for him—but I wouldn't count on it.
This week, the White House (once again) found itself in a state of crisis, as President @realDonaldTrump's fitness for office was repeatedly called into question.
What differentiated this from previous episodes is that the calls all came from inside the White House.
On Tuesday, the Washington Post published the first excerpts of Watergate scribe Bob Woodward's new book, which quotes various cabinet members, as well as current and former White House officials, casting doubt on Trump's intelligence, grip on reality, and truthfulness, among other things.
The next day, the New York Times published an anonymously (amomanously) written op-ed by a senior administration official which echoed many of the same sentiments expressed in Woodward's book, and added to the picture of a White House at war with itself.
Trump responded with his usual lack of restraint—calling the author a traitor, accusing the Times of endangering national security, and launching a full-scale witch hunt.
Needless to say, this did absolutely nothing to disprove the claims made by Woodward and anonymous.
This week, the walls continued to close in on President @realDonaldTrump (also known as "Individual-1"), and it didn't cost Mexico a thing.
Tuesday afternoon, at a federal courthouse in lower Manhattan, Trump's longtime personal attorney/fixer, Michael Cohen, pleaded guilty to eight felonies—and, in the process, directly implicated the man he'd previously pledged to take a bullet for, like a fucking RAT.
Mere moments later, at a federal courthouse in Virginia, Trump's former campaign chairman, Paul Manafort—who had bravely stood up to Robert Mueller and his witch hunters—was convicted of another eight felonies.
In the days that followed, it was revealed that both David Pecker—the publisher of The National Enquirer, who had spent years keeping Trump's secrets safe (literally)—and Allen Weisselberg—the longtime CFO of the Trump Organization, who is said to know where all of the financial bodies are buried—had been granted immunity by federal prosecutors in a practice known as "flipping," which Trump believes oughta be illegal.
No doubt, these developments were very bad for Trump both legally and politically, but this week did offer a silver lining for him—it turns out that Don Jr. might not be his most illegitimate child after all.
When Rudy Giuliani joined President @realDonaldTrump's all-star legal defense team back in mid-April, he hoped to bring a quick end to the Mueller investigation—perhaps a week or two.
Fast forward to the present day, nearly four months later, and the investigation shows no signs of ending anytime soon.
In fact, a good argument could be made that Giuliani's presence has contributed to its longevity.
Between his contradictory statements, "alternative facts," and unreasonable demands, Giuliani has all but ensured that the investigation will hang over the midterm elections.
According to numerous press reports, Trump is eager to talk to Mueller—believing that he can convince him this is all a "witch hunt."
But Giuliani knows that if Trump tells the truth (unlikely), he'll be guilty of obstruction, and if he lies (likely), he'll be guilty of perjury.
For the past 18 months, despite a growing body of evidence to the contrary, President @realDonaldTrump had steadfastly denied that there was any collusion between his presidential campaign and the Russians who hacked the 2016 election.
But that all changed this week, with Trump's personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani, arguing that collusion might not even be a crime (fact check: collusion is, in fact, a crime called "conspiracy to defraud the United States").
Trump was quick to embrace this novel legal theory, taking to Twitter to share the new talking point with his millions of followers.
He then called on his Attorney General, Jeff Sessions—who is recused from the Russia investigation—to immediately put an end to the so-called "witch hunt."
It's probably just a coincidence that this abrupt shift in legal strategery occurred right as Trump's former campaign chairman, Paul Manafort, was facing trial.
This week, President @realDonaldTrump took a page directly out of George Orwell's dystopian novel, 1984.
Speaking at the VFW convention on Tuesday, Trump ordered the assembled crowd, "Just stick with us, don't believe the crap you see from these people, the fake news. What you're seeing and what you're reading is not what's happening."
It was his final, most essential command.
A few hours later, Trump's most loyal supporters would be put to the test when CNN aired a surreptitiously recorded conversation between the president and his former attorney/fixer discussing a secret hush money payment—a payment that Trump had previously denied knowledge of.
The same thing would play out on Thursday, when CNN broke the news that Michael Cohen is prepared to tell the special counsel investigating collusion and obstruction that Trump had foreknowledge of the infamous Trump Tower treason meeting.
Meanwhile, Trump's new lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, quickly sought to cast doubt on that claim—arguing that Cohen is, and has always been, a liar.
But don't quote him on that.
This week, "your favorite president," @realDonaldTrump, held his long-awaited, highly-anticipated summit with former KGB agent Vladimir Putin.
The one-on-one meeting marked the culmination of Trump's efforts—which began at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow—to become Putin's best friend.
Coming just three days after 12 Russian intelligence officers were indicted for hacking Democrats during the 2016 presidential election, and one day after a Russian operative was arrested for infiltrating the NRA/GOP, the tête-à-tête and subsequent joint news conference offered Trump the perfect opportunity to confront Putin, and perhaps lay some of the lingering questions about his loyalty to rest.
But that was—err... wasn't—to be.
Instead, while standing alongside Putin, Trump cast doubt on the findings of the US intelligence community, touted some of his favorite conspiracy theories, and lauded his counterpart/handler for making a "sincere" offer to interrogate US citizens.
Suffice it to say, for the most part, Trump's Helsinki performance was not well received back at home.
Maybe next time will be better.
This week, President @realDonaldTrump traveled to Europe for the NATO summit, where he strongly defended the Western alliance.
Just kidding.
From the moment that Air Force One set down in Brussels, Trump seemingly did just about everything in his power to undermine the post-WWII international order.
Employing one of his favorite tactics—projection—the "very stable genius" accused German Chancellor Angela Merkel of being Russia's puppet—though, of course, he didn't dare say so to her face.
Trump then left the summit in chaos and headed to the United Kingdom, where he's extremely popular (as evidenced by the large crowds he drew)—more popular than Abraham Lincoln, in fact.
There, he pulled a similar stunt—talking shit about Prime Minister Theresa May to a British tabloid, which he then denied doing while standing alongside—as opposed to in front of—May.
Given the immense damage he did to America's international relationships—which must far exceed Vladimir Putin's wildest dreams—Trump is sure to receive a positive job performance review when he meets (alone) with his Russian handler in Helsinki.
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