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View Diary: FckH8 - A letter from a Dad to his afraid, gay son. (110 comments)

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  •  I was successful at hiding my trans-ness (26+ / 0-)

    from my parents because:

    1) They didn't want to know.

    2) There was no concept of trans-ness back then. The only concept available was homosexuality, which my father told me was "worse than death."

    3) I was a lot smarter than they were.

    But mostly because of

    4) They didn't want to know.

    When I was outed to them in my late 20s by helpful helping professional, they decided I was just trying to hurt them, and then pretended nothing had changed. They still didn't want to know.

    When I actually transitioned years later, they decided that I am insane and did it to just hurt them and that I don't exist anymore and that nothing has changed.

    I.e. They still don't want to know, and have unpersoned me to maintain their state of ignorance. I have had no contact with them since I transitioned and they told me to go live in an insane asylum "with others like you".

    •  Recc'ing for your courage (6+ / 0-)

      I am so sorry.  It sounds like a cliche, but it really is their loss.

      I hope you are surrounded by a ton of support and have dozens of people who love you exactly the way you are.

      •  I live on SSDI (9+ / 0-)

        in a city where nobody knows me, having lost my professional career of 20 years when I transitioned. I got the SSDI because of a suicide attempt when I was about to become homeless again.

        Not an unusual story for trans people, though not the one the media will give you.

        •  I am chair of the Gay Straight Alliance at (6+ / 0-)

          my UU church -- we have several out transfolk in our congregation.  I would be happy to help you find people who will know you and see you in your city.  Feel free to either kosmail me or use eclecticcrafter @ pobox . com

          No one should be alone.

          I'm sorry for your pain.

          •  I think UU still requires you to believe in JC (3+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            LSophia, Ginny in CO, Calamity Jean

            which I don't. I was an atheist much of my life, then I became a Goddess-path pagan, mainly because I thought it was what the world needed to restore any degree of ecological health. But it turns out that the women who run the Goddess-path pagan world are hyper-transphobic, and I was ejected from that world too.

            So I have lapsed back into atheism -- and I expect humanity to commit ecological suicide within the next few decades; just waiting for the big methane clathrate gun to fire.

          •  I was brought up UU (4+ / 0-)

            in our church, we believed that JC existed and was a great teacher and leader, but not divine.  

            In my local (very liberal) Episcopalian Church, our rector has gone on record as saying he believes that salvation is universal, and that we believe JC is divine "whatever that means" to each of us.  Literal belief and signing a statement of fact is not required.

            It might be worth looking into.  BTW, one of our priests is a transgendered woman.  :)

            •  To me, nothing is more divine (2+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:
              Ginny in CO, LSophia

              than a Redwood grove... or a Kelp forest.

              •  Also a UU, born to active parents. (3+ / 0-)
                Recommended by:
                wishingwell, LSophia, samddobermann

                No baptism for me or my kids, no indoctrination in any religion. There are 7 principles we affirm. Very simple. I am especially fond of 1 & 7.

                - The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
                - Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
                - Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
                -A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
                -The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
                -The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
                -Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

                They are essentially guidelines to explain who we are to others. I maintain that no more than 5% of UUs could recite them from memory. ;)

                In addition to having board members, religious education teachers, choir directors and ministers that are LGBT, we also have wiccan and pagan subgroups. My daughter and I had a wonderful time at one of their meetings. That church has a new lesbian minister, who has been with her partner for ~25 years. UU ministers are not assigned, they are chosen by the congregation.

                Check out other sources of principles and faith UUs draw from.

                You might be interested in my parenting comment above.

                Our Whole Lives Lifespan Sexuality Education Curricula

                Our Whole Lives is a series of sexuality education curricula for six age groups: grades K-1, grades 4-6, grades 7-9, grades 10-12, young adults (ages 18-35), and adults.
                You don't have to join to participate in services, programs or social events. A good percent of UUs were raised in another church. Family alienation and rejection are well understood in our members.

                Added to being in a city where no one knows you is a huge void. I hope you can find a place to meet people who will support and care about you.

                "People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone. " Audrey Hepburn "A Beautiful Woman"

                by Ginny in CO on Fri Mar 15, 2013 at 07:09:46 PM PDT

                [ Parent ]

    •  As Christians, even if they don't (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      LSophia, wishingwell

      understand you - even if they really think you are insane - they are supposed to be loving and compassionate toward you (I assume they are Christians based on your story).

      •  No, they are not religious (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        LSophia

        They are Roman Catholics who never go to church, and my father is an atheist. Just very, very homophobic. In fact, they are the "liberals" who belie the stereotype that homophobes are all Glen Beck followers.

        •  So they are homophobic but insist they are not? (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Calamity Jean

          You said they are liberals?   Yikes, they are in major denial all the way around it appears.  To reject their own child is just terrible.

          Follow PA Keystone Liberals on Twitter: @KeystoneLibs

          by wishingwell on Fri Mar 15, 2013 at 08:25:57 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

        •  Usually there has got to be (0+ / 0-)

          a reason someone is a homophobe. Somebody must have taught them to think the way they think. They probably did not decide to hate gays. Given whatever childhood they were presented with, this was the virtually inevitable outcome. I'm straight and have always stridently supported gay rights. But I was taught to think this way by my parents. If they'd taught me to hate gays, I'd probably be on a very different blg right now.

          •  Homophobia is a social inclusionary requirement (1+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Calamity Jean

            for many males: they have prove they are "one of the men" by hating gays. If they don't hate gays enough, others will thinks they are one. They also have to hate women (except as sex objects) for the same reason.

    •  I am so sorry that your parents cannot accept (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Calamity Jean

      their own child....my heart goes to you. I admire your courage and strength.

      Follow PA Keystone Liberals on Twitter: @KeystoneLibs

      by wishingwell on Fri Mar 15, 2013 at 08:14:36 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

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