From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Last Gasp of Summer Edition
"It's almost autumn, and you know what that means: the air is getting crisper, I'm preparing to eat a dump truck full of apple cider doughnuts, and Brett Kavanaugh's in the news for allegedly putting his penis into a place it wasn't invited."
---Samantha Bee
"I keep forgetting that Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman now tells the U.S. president who to attack and how. It's all part of the Trump Hotels rewards program: rent 500 rooms, get a free war.”
—Stephen Colbert
"A move to impeach Donald Trump would go on for months: hours of hours of hearings and televised testimony, all for our couch potato president to take in. He'll be so busy watching and tweeting about it, maybe he'll forget all the other terrible things he wants to do. Basically, our president is an unruly child throwing a tantrum while we try to eat dinner at a restaurant, and impeachment is an iPad loaded with Paw Patrol. I say send in Ryder and his team of pups and let's see what happens."
—Jimmy Kimmel
Did you see the very sad news? Todd Palin filed for divorce. It happens. They just grifted apart."
—Bill Maher
"Russia: voted 'Home of the Sexiest President' by Please, I Have A Family, Just Do Whatever He Says magazine."
—John Oliver
Come on down and splash. We’re using pumpkin spice-scented chlorine in the kiddie pool tonight. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 20, 2019
Note: Coming up at 11: Derp derp derp derp derp derp derp derp derp derp derp derp, plus Chet with high school derpball highlights and Sarah’s derpy weekend forecast, tonight on Eyewitness Derp.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of Rosh Hashanah: 9
Days 'til the California Lemon Festival in Goleta: 8
Number of candidates attending CNN's "Power of Our Pride" LGBTQ town hall on October 10: 9
Miles of Trump's border wall that have been "built" by simply updating existing portions: 60
Length of the U.S.-Mexico border: 1,954 miles
Percent chance that the 2004 UFO video footage taken by U.S. Navy pilots is real, according to the U.S. Navy: 100%
Years in a row that Drag Race host RuPaul has won the Emmy for best reality show host (his latest win was last Saturday during the Creative Arts Emmys): 4
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans...
-
CHEERS to revisiting an old nursery rhyme:
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But names will never hurt me
Don’t tell that to Mitch McConnell's internal pollsters. Ever since the Senate majority leader and Russia ally (not necessarily listed in his order of importance) earned the national nickname "Moscow Mitch," it sure seems like he's seeing signs from voters that his smooth-glide to reelection may be getting a little bumpy. And one of those signs apparently says, "Act like an American once in awhile, or else." I guarantee you he did not want to do this. He had to:
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell came out Thursday in support of providing states with an additional $250 million in election security funding, an abrupt turnaround after more than a year of opposition by the Kentucky Republican on the issue.
McConnell, who has been derided by Democrats as “Moscow Mitch” for repeatedly blocking efforts to combat Russian interference in U.S. elections, announced his position in remarks on the Senate floor Thursday morning.
And in other news from the majority leader's office, Senator McConnell will host a small gathering over the weekend to welcome his new food taster Stu and his new car starter Greg. Light refreshments will be nibbled by Stu and then, assuming he stays upright, served.
CHEERS to a mission well accomplished. Today was the day that our brave men and women in tinfoil hats and not much else were planning to liberate the alien detention camp at Area 51. Let’s join Channel 13 Action News and see how the operation is going:
For the first time since 1945, Americans were greeted as liberators. A beautiful sight: thousands of outstretched tentacles throwing sweets, flowers, and coupons for 50% off your next anal probe. I just wish John McCain was here to see it.
CHEERS to the end of an ugly era. Eight years ago this week, official word came down from the U.S. Army that openly-gay and lesbian Americans were now entitled to serve in our nation’s armed forces:
Today marks the end of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.” The law is repealed.
From this day forward, gay and lesbian Soldiers may serve in our Army with the dignity and respect they deserve. Our rules, regulations and politics reflect the repeal guidance issued by the Department of Defense and will apply uniformly without regard to sexual orientation, which is a personal and private matter.
For over 236 years, the U.S. Army has been an extraordinary force for good in the world. Our Soldiers are the most agile, adaptable and capable warriors in history—and we are ready for this change...
Meanwhile, transgender Americans, thanks to Obama, were all set to be allowed to serve openly until Donald “Five Deferments” Trump, who promised to “love the LGBT community” like no other president in history, pulled the barracks cot out from under them (in a series of tweets, no less). But unlike when the discriminatory DADT was enacted, this time there’s been fierce blowback from Congress, the military, and the public. Unfortunately the judicial branch gave him the green light anyway, but you can bet the ban will be overturned at the earliest possible convenience. That would be sixteen months from today. Not that we're counting.
-
-
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Vox sees a major car company vengefully yanking health insurance from striking employees and asks: Did General Motors just make the case for Medicare-for-all?
Yes.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
-
-
JEERS to the nexus of fear and politics. On today's date in 2001, Governor Tom Ridge of Pennsylvania was named by President Bush to head the new Office of Homeland Security. During his tenure the color-coded terror alert system was created and, depending on which Tom Ridge you believe, the system was either manipulated by the Bush administration to influence the outcome of the 2004 election or not manipulated by the Bush administration to influence the outcome of the 2004 election. Hint: The second Tom Ridge tied up the first Tom Ridge and locked him away in the attic with a rubber ball in his mouth and he was never seen again.
CHEERS to good trouble. The Hong Kong protesters are showing the world how to stand up to a bully trying to erode their freedoms (sound familiar?) and yesterday they got some moral support from a big gun in D.C. China is not happy:
The Chinese foreign ministry on Thursday accused House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) of “bolstering radical violent forces” by meeting with activists involved in ongoing demonstrations in Hong Kong, according to The Associated Press.
“We urge the U.S. to stop bolstering radical violent forces in Hong Kong that advocate Hong Kong independence, and stop intensifying words and actions that undermine the prosperity and stability of Hong Kong,” foreign ministry spokesperson Geng Shuang said during a daily briefing. […]
“We strongly urge the U.S. to respect China’s sovereignty, stop interfering in Hong Kong affairs in any form...” he said, according to the AP.
Having dutifully taken their umbrage, China then went back to work hacking the Pentagon computer system and rigging our elections.
CHEERS to filling in for your boss. On this date in 1881, Chester Alan Arthur of the gilded and foppish Republican party was sworn in as the 21st president of the United States, following the unexpected meeting of an assassin's bullet and James Garfield's spine. (Or, more accurately, Garfield’s spine and his medical team’s unwashed hands.)
The Chicago Tribune wrote of Arthur what it could easily be writing today about our current president: "It requires a great deal for him to get to his desk and begin the dispatch of business. Great questions of public policy bore him. No President was ever so much given to procrastination as he is." In Arthur’s defense, he suffered from an energy-robbing condition called Bright’s Disease, and he died of it shortly after leaving the White House. Trump, on the other hand, suffers from an even worse condition. It’s called Being Donald Trump Disease.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Not much going on TV-wise this weekend until you hit Sunday evening, when all hell breaks loose. But tonight starts with MSNBC’s Chris Hayes, who’s holding a presidential candidates Climate Forum tonight, followed by the unpacking of the Friday news dumps with Rachel and Lawrence. On HBO's Real Time (10PM), Bill Maher talks with Ambassador Samantha Power, Heather McGhee, Andrew Sullivan [insert eye roll here], Sarah Haider of the Demos think tank, and author Tim Naftali (Impeachment: An American History).
New home video releases include X-Men: Dark Phoenix not a whole lot else. The baseball schedule starring the current World Series Champion Boston Red Sox is here, and the NFL schedule is here. (The Patriots will "leave the Jets on the tarmac" Ha Ha Ha!!!) On 60 Minutes: a profile of Chanel Miller—aka"Emily Doe"—who was raped by Stanford rapist Brock Rapist Turner and now has to live with the fact that the rapist Richie Rich got off with only a 6-month sentence and likely has a bright future in the Republican party. The new Ken Burns film Country Music continues Sunday night on PBS with a chapter on the rise of superstars Loretta Lynn, Merle Haggard and Charley Pride. Then on Sunday night (8pm on ABC), the host-less Emmy Awards will be handed out. I'm rooting for Jared Harris for Chernobyl, Julia Louis-Dreyfus for her final season of Veep, and The Late Show for best variety talk series—Colbert's anti-Trump monologues have been equal parts harsh and hilarious. But if they go past 11 o'clock, that's just tough, cuz I'm changin' the channel to HBO for another new episode of likely Emmy winner Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
Face the Nation: Current Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and the last real Secretary of State John Kerry.
This Week: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: House Intelligence Committee chairman Adam Schiff (D-CA); most punchable face in America Steve Mnuchin; Assistant Speaker of the House Ben Ray Lujan (D-NM).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Ben Cardin (D-MD);
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: September 20, 2009
CHEERS to busy little B's. Barack Obama will spend his week scratching world leaders' backs at the United Nations, emceeing the G-20 summit (apparently Neil Patrick Harris was already booked), and rewriting history in the peacekeeping tent with the leaders of Israel and the Palestinian Authoritah. Bill in Portland Maine will be scratching his belly, emceeing 4:30 Bingo ("G-60!") at the Shady Pines Nursing Home, and reordering another tub of heel-softening cream. It's like we're twins, him and me.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to America's favorite literary boogeyman. Tomorrow 72 skulls go on the cake of most-famous-Mainer Stephen King, born September 21, 1947 in Portland, just steps from where I live. (Okay, several thousand steps, but still.) King is an unabashed Democrat (he'll be especially active in dislodging Susan Collins from her perch over the next year) who isn't afraid to speak his mind, which he occasionally does by blowing up twitter:
» 2018: IF Susan Collins votes to confirm Kavanaugh, and IF she runs for re-election—two big ifs—she will be defeated. It would be unwise for anyone to mistake how angry most Americans are at the way this is being railroaded through.
» 2019: Let's remember that Susan Collins voted to confirm frat party boy Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court!
» Tucker Carlson is your basic white, well-fed, complacent and entitled fuckdoodle.
» As for Trump, he’s basically a kidney stone on the body politic. He will pass.
» Up in Canada for a few days. Not many guns, but the health care is amazing. They take care of what’s wrong with you right away. And it’s really cheap.
» Members of Boris Johnson’s party have stood up against his craziness. It’s a shame Senate Republicans don’t have such moral courage.
» David Koch has left the building without cash, credit cards, or checking accounts. As we all do.
» Here's a joke I heard from bestselling author (and wonderful son) Joe Hill: What did the Gestapo agent say to the grandfather clock? "Ve haff vays off making you tock."
» Space Force: I keep thinking of one of those old Saturday morning shows with puppets n shit. Retweet ONLY if you think this is possibly the dumbest idea out of Trump's admittedly dumb head so far.
» Little by little, Trump is isolating himself. Soon he'll be Oz the Great and Terrible: little man, big voice, hiding behind a curtain.
» I'd like to see a day when there was no news. None. Zilch. Zip. I'd turn on CNN and Brooke Baldwin would say, "Nothing happened today, so we're going to show a bunch of rock videos."
Today's special in the C&J watering hole, as always: half-off Redrum and Cokes.
Have a great weekend.Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-