From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Everything is Fine Edition
"President Trump had a meeting with Democrats at the White House. He lashed out at Nancy Pelosi. He called her 'a third-rate politician,' he called them 'communists,' and he had what Nancy Pelosi described as ‘a meltdown.’ [But] Trump didn't have a meltdown. He had a Wednesday. There's nothing left to melt."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"Wait, what? Trump is saying that America shouldn’t help its Kurdish allies because they didn’t help America in World War II? I mean, to be fair, not helping in a war is one area President Bone Spurs has experience with, but still..."
—Trevor Noah
"Rudi Giuliani is under federal investigation, meaning events have finally caught up with his face, which perpetually looks like someone who just found out he's under investigation. But this should not be surprising. On the list of things that Giuliani is likely to be under, 'federal investigation' might even narrowly beat out 'his own cousin.'"
—John Oliver
“I earned my spurs on the battlefield; Donald Trump earned his spurs in a letter from a doctor.”
—Former Defense Secretary Gen. James Mattis, at the Alfred E. Smith dinner last night
"[At his political rally] Trump kept doing that nasal sniffing thing he does. That one is not his fault—he suffers from treasonal allergies."
—Bill Maher
And two years ago this month:
“Trump is basically like an old Christmas sweater. He’s unraveling and you have to pretend you like him in front of your grandmother.”
—James Corden
That sweater is now down to a single thread. But, still, god help you if you fail to wear it to Grandma’s.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 18, 2019
Note: The Department of Corrections called about you yesterday. Apparently you've been dangling modifiers again. Probably a good idea to lay low in the safe house for a while.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til election day in Canada: 3
Days 'til the Idaho Gourd Festival in Boise: 8
Percent of registered voters who believe Trump should be impeached and removed from office, according to a new Gallup poll: 52%
Current approval of Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME) among Mainers, according to a new Public Policy Polling poll: 35%
Years since Washington D.C. went to the World Series: 86
Drop in international applications to attend U.S. business schools this year: 14%
Estimated percent of Maine’s population that is English, Irish, and French, respectively: 21%, 18%, 16%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to a pleasant stroll among the stars. A new record floated into the record books this morning when Mainer Jessica Meir and Michigander Christina Koch went for a power walk for several hours outside the International Space Station—the first all-female team to accomplish the feat:
Their operation was a complete success, by the way. They adjusted the rabbit ears without a hitch and now they're getting great reception on the rec room Philco.
CHEERS to pissing off the god squad. Everything about Trump's decision to aid and abet ethnic cleansing in northern Syria is rooted in blatant, unmitigated evil. And the conservative evangelicals who dot our fair land are now in a state of mass confusion over how their leader—chosen by God Himself, as they like to point out at every opportunity—could be acting so…so…Satan-like:
White evangelical Christians have long been some of President Donald Trump’s most ardent supporters. But the president’s recent decision to effectively abandon Kurdish fighters, considered key allies in the fight against the so-called Islamic State, appears to have caused a fracturing in this powerful religious group. […]
Some leaders have broken ranks to warn that Turkey’s invasion threatens vulnerable communities of Christians and other religious minorities in the region. Experts say these leaders’ support for the Kurds has a lot to do with how this religious group views itself―as a persecuted minority standing up for American values. Evangelical reactions to the crisis are also indicative of this group’s deep-seated fears about Muslims.
So will they ultimately take the plunge and turn their back on the president? Course not, silly. He may be the devil incarnate, but at least he's still a racist.
JEERS to emoluments eschmoluments. Who cares if it's a massive conflict of interest? The office of President of the United States (occupied by a guy named Trump) has decided it's going to host next year's G-7 summit at the Doral Resort in Florida (owned by a guy named Trump). Oh well, fellow Kossacks, it's only your tax money going into the pockets of Eric, Ivanka, Don Jr. and Cadet Bone Spurs:
The G-7 summit will draw to his property thousands of foreign government officials from Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan and the United Kingdom, among other invited countries, as well as the international press. […]
House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler, D-N.Y., called Mulvaney's announcement "among the most brazen examples yet of the president's corruption" and said his committee would continue to press for answers about the nature of the selection process.
"This is unbelievable," CREW's executive director, Noah Bookbinder, said in a statement. "The president is now officially using the power of his office to help prop up his struggling golf business," Bookbinder added.
But not everyone's upset. "We love international cuisine," said the Doral bedbugs.
JEERS to the Big Dump. On tomorrow's date in 1987—on Saint Ronald Reagan's watch—stocks plunged 508 points amid panicky selling. They called it "Black Monday." The lowlights as they unfolded:
10:30 AM With 140 million shares traded, the Dow is down 101 points, to 2145.
11:45 AM A brief turnaround gives traders a flicker of hope as the Dow regains 95 points in a half-hour.
1 PM As rumors spread about a NYSE shutdown, the Dow plunges 100 points in the next hour.
2:15 PM With the Dow down 300 points,an investor outside the NYSE screams, "Down with Reagan! Down with MBAs! Down with yuppies!"
4 PM The NYSE closes. Chairman John Phelan says it was the closest thing to a "financial meltdown" that he had ever seen.
The percentage decline (22.6%) was actually worse than the crash of 1929. Thank god we learned our lesson and, through sensible legislation, never had to experience anything like that again. Attaboy, Congress!
CHEERS to news from across The Pond. [Beep Beep Beep Beep…Beeeep!] "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a breaking news bulletin, old chap: today marks the 97th anniversary of the BBC, which is properly pronounced, of course, 'Beh Beh Seh.' Since our founding we've maintained a reputation for being cool, calm, impartial, and accurate. So of course you Americans have no idea what to make of us.
Now stay tuned for The Goon Show, followed by Educating Archie and assorted ramblings from Her Majesty the Queen during her ceremonial Drinking of the Several Glasses of Sherry. This program came to you from London." [Beepity Beeeeep!]
CHEERS to home vegetation. Super great news! Yesterday we went down to Woolworth and tested all our TV tubes in the tube testing machine (by the lunch counter next to the blood pressure cuff machine), and they're all in great shape for weekend TV viewing. Hot damn!
It starts the usual way, with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow sifting through the Friday news dump. On HBO's Real Time at 10, Bill Maher talks with Susan Rice, Neil deGrasse Tyson, AEI's Danielle Pletka, author Thomas Chatterton Williams, and good ol' scruffy Sam Stein. Guests on tonight's The Graham Norton Show (11 on BBC America) include Paul Rudd, Bruce Springsteen, and Robert DeNiro. New home video releases include the further adventures of Buzz and Woody in Toy Story 4 and the reboot of Child's Play with Mark Hamill as the voice of Chucky. The Astros are playing the F*cking Yankees right now in game 5 of the AL championship, which Houston leads 3 games to 1. (The Boston Red Sox, of course, remain the current World Series champions.) The NFL schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. (The Boston Bruins will rake up the Maple Leafs and toss ‘em in a brown paper recycle bag that’ll be placed by the curb and picked up by the sanitation department on Monday Ha Ha Ha!!!) On 60 Minutes, survivors of the Tree of Life Synagogue terrorist attack speak out. Sunday night at 8 it's Treehouse of Horror XXX on The Simpsons, and Disney demands a complete reboot of Family Guy on, um, Family Guy.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Reps. Jim Himes (D-CT) and Will Hurd (R-TX); Gen. (Ret) Raymond Thomas, Commander of U.S. Special Operations Command; former CIA deputy director Michael Morell; former Deputy Secretary of State Bill Burns.
CNN's State of the Union: Mayor Pete Buttigieg; Senator Amy Klobuchar; Reps. Joe Neguse (D-CO) and Sean Duffy (R-WI).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Mayor Pete!!! Plus: world’s worst lawyer (and with Rudy Giuliani skulking around that’s sayin’ something) Mick Mulvaney, who made Trump’s impeachment situation “much, much worse” yesterday, prays to God that Chris Wallace doesn’t ask him any tough questions. (Spoiler alert: God’s not listening.)
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 18, 2009
JEERS to early departures. Yeesh—what a big ball 'o confusion this week when a silver flying saucer thingee took off (no one really knows how it got loose) from a tornado chaser/extraterrestrial seeker's home in Colorado and ascended to 15,000 feet and achieved speeds of 30 miles per hour—and everyone thought the guy's 6-year-old son was occupying the basket inside it. It made the news and everything...
The kid was actually playing in his attic. So everyone lived happily ever after. But I have something I wanna say to that family right here and now—publicly—and I want a straight answer with no bullshit: Where can I get me one 'o them cool flying saucers? (Get on it, Hammacher Schlemmer.) [10/18/19 Update: Turns out dear old Dad made the whole thing up and ended up spending 90 days in jail for the hoax. I did, in fact, get my own version of the saucer, but loaned it to an extra-terrestrial so it could get back home. Turns out it made the whole thing up and just wanted it to fly down to cruise chicks in South Beach. What happened next will shock you. But that’s a story for another time.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to previews of coming previews. Unless you’ve either been stranded on a desert planet or you have something called “a life,” you know that the first official trailer for Star Wars Episode IX: Lando’s Prostate Strikes Back drops on Monday. It’s going to be huge—so huge that my blood pressure is already spiking to 568 over 21 or something. I assume you’re also chewing through the drywall waiting for it to come out, so to calm ourselves down, here’s Kylo Ren, courtesy of the genius Auralnauts, with his official reaction to the preview of the trailer (aka the trailer trailer) that dropped awhile back. Caution: this is entirely safe for work:
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Episode IX opens in 62 days. I’m told that the running time is 155 minutes. May the bladder control be with you.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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