Cheers and Jeers is a weekday drunk tank from the great state of Maine.
Today's Forecast for the Greater Trump Mouth Hole Area
Morning, folks. Looks like we'll have an active POTUS pattern once again this morning, with a 100 percent chance of "we'll see what happens," accompanied by scattered "sirs," "excuse me, excuse me's" and crushed-Adderall sniffs. As we head into the afternoon, expect heavy downpours of "believe mes" and "totally disgracefuls" that will likely merge with a mixture of "only the very best peoples" and some "within the next week or maybe two weeks."
As for the extended forecast, a “perfect” stationary front will mean more "many people are sayings" and “you people all know thats” over the area with likely "witch hunts," "hoaxes" and "no obstruction, no collusions" for the foreseeable future, followed by "fake media," "fake news" and "fake press." But one thing we know for sure: there is no longer any chance of “Mexico will pay for it, that I can tell yous” over the greater Trump Mouth Hole area. Back to you, Chet.
Continued…
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 26, 2020
Note: Today at Piggly Wiggly, buy a carton of our fresh, juicy strawberries and receive 50 percent off a can of nuclear fissile material in heavy cling syrup. Piggly Wiggly: Quality you can count on, at a price you can afford, from neighbors you probably shouldn't entirely trust.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til daylight saving time starts: 11
Days 'til the 26th annual Honolulu Festival: 9
Percent of likely South Carolina voters polled by NBC News-Marist who say they'll vote for Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, respectively, in the Democratic primary: 27%, 23%
New Hampshire population and the number who voted in last week's Democratic primary, respectively: 1.35 million / 300,000
Nevada population and the number who voted in last week's Democratic caucuses (with early voting available, unlike NH): 3 million / 100,000
Size of Maine's medical marijuana industry, twice as big as previously thought: $111 million
Number of people who were injured by a single bullet negligently discharged by some yahoo when his gun fell out of his pocket at a no-guns-allowed flea market Sunday in Houston, Texas: 7
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 182 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 Million Moms against Clifford the Big Red Dog). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Does anyone else see a resemblance to Leonard Nimoy in this puppeh?
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CHEERS to government at work. How can you tell that Democrats control the House? Because stuff actually gets done. Speaker Pelosi and her caucus have already passed hundreds of excellent bills over the past year (all bottled up by Moscow Mitch in the Senate, but that's hardly Team D's fault), plus there was that little impeachment to-do last December. And despite it being an election year, the chamber is still running at full steam. Here are just a few items on today's agenda, demonstrating that the inability to walk and chew gum at the same time is strictly in the right’s bailiwick:
Hearing: Department of Health and Human Services Budget Request for FY 2021
Hearing: In the Dark: Lack of Transparency in the Live Event Ticketing Industry
Hearing: Promoting Rural Economies and Healthy Forests
Hearing: Legislative hearing on HR 5435 American Public Lands and Waters Climate Solution Act of 2019
Business Meeting: "Destroying Sacred Sites and Erasing Tribal Culture: The Trump Administrations Construction of the Border Wall"
Hearing: Voter Suppression in Minority Communities
Hearing: The Fiscal Year 2021 HHS Budget and Oversight of the Coronavirus Outbreak
Business Meeting: H.R. 2339 Protecting American Lungs and Reversing the Youth Tobacco Epidemic Act of 2020
Hearing: Confronting the Rise in Anti-Semitic Domestic Terrorism
Hearing: Asleep at the Switch: How the Department of Labor Failed to Oversee the Black Lung Disability Trust Fund.
Meanwhile next door, Senate Republicans will spend the day trying to figure out why the phrase "Righty Lucy, Lefty Tighty" isn't working with James Inhofe's jar of mayonnaise. (They'll unanimously deem it a communist plot in time to adjourn at 1pm for happy hour.)
JEERS to southern inhospitality. I turned on my TV at 8 o'clock last night and holy Moses, what the hell was that all about? Here's what I learned: Things are out of control. Everyone is lying. A pair of billionaires are duking it out for control. The endless bickering and shouting is tearing people apart. The current leader is an immigrant-bashing lout. An arsonist is on the loose. The police are inept. Prisoners are tunneling out of their cells. An old lady's pacemaker is rigged to explode. Marlena has an evil twin. Patch is now Stefano. And it occurs to me I should probably mention that I'm talking about the recorded episode of Days of Our Lives we decided to watch starting around 8:15. We couldn’t stomach the Democratic debate. Too much drama.
P.S. Yup, he said the quiet part out loud:
Oops.
JEERS to the 2/26 that was our 9/11 before 9/11 was our 9/11. On February 26, 1993, a bomb went off inside a parking garage under the World Trade Center in New York. Six people died and over a thousand were injured. It was a real test for newly-minted President Bill Clinton who, as I recall, caught the evildoers and threw 'em in jail. And we all lived happily ever after. Right? (I've been pretty busy the last 27 years...)
CHEERS to ideas that will change the world. The grand poobahs behind the Netroots Nation convention (Denver August 13-15) asked me to remind you bright and early today that there's an important deadline this week: submissions for panel discussions and training sessions are due this Friday. Then I asked them to remind me what they're looking for this year. They reminded me that they already gave me that info a long time ago and how dare I interrupt their poker game. Then I reminded them that dammit they're right, and here you go:
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Strategic conversations about how we'll work together as a movement to win in 2020, from local races to the White House
- Sessions about how to govern and enact progressive policies after we've won
- Content on how we will maintain a healthy, inclusive and sustainable movement that centers those closest to injustice
- Panels focusing on the intersections of racism and electoral justice, environmental justice/climate change and disability justice
If you have an idea for a panel or workshop that fits the above guidelines or branches off in a different but still relevant direction, click here for more info and the submission form. Entries will be accepted through midnight this Friday. We'll remind you when it’s time to vote on the entries that make it through the first round of the judging process. And, free of charge, we’ll also remind you of the fact that Denver’s a mile in the air, so double-check your emergency parachute.
JEERS to really crappy odds. 84 years ago this week, three thousand Mexicans attacked 182 Texans at The Alamo. A firsthand account:
It was intense.
After Democrats fled in panic, Louie Gohmert and members of the Tea Party Patriots arrived in the nick of time to save the day.
The surrender ceremony was conducted on a battleship, followed by a ticker tape parade.
That's why today San Antonio is the capitol of the United States and God hates libturd moonbats.
Um, Texas school board textbook committee? I think we need to have a little chat.
CHEERS to today's edition of Hold My Beer. Jeez Louise, did you see the crowd of 100,000 that showed up to greet President Trump in India? Gosh, that was a lot of people—the largest overseas crowd he's ever spoken to. Impressive! And in other news...
This has been today's edition of Hold My Beer.
JEERS to boys and their destructive toys. On February 26, 1903, the inventor of the rapid-fire Gatling gun, Richard Gatling, died. His last words: "Of course it's not loaded. I took the NRA safety course. There’s no way I’d be sitting here cleaning my Gatling gun if it was lo...” Thoughts and prayers.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 26, 2010
CHEERS to guttersnipes in prison stripes. We'd like to extend our best wishes to Bernard Kerik (Rudy Giuliani's best friend and George W. Bush's one-time nominee as director of the Department of Homeland Security) as he plans to serve a four-year stint in the slammer. But then again...nah. We’re good. [2/26/20 Update: Last week Trump pardoned Kerik. So now, instead of an unscrupulous, incompetent scumbag everyone hates who put his sex life above the safety of those in the twin towers, he's now a pardoned unscrupulous, incompetent scumbag everyone hates who put his sex life above the safety of those in the twin towers. Bring on that Medal of Freedom.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to more Star Wars. Oh, yes. There’s more. I believe this is Episode X:
Most people think it’s great. But not everyone. George Lucas doesn’t think there’s enough Jar Jar, and J.J. Abrams says it moves too slow.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Cheers and Jeers is the kind of thing paranoid, small people write. We have seen where this leads and it’s nowhere good.”
—Rep. Sean Patrick Maloney
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