What Made Trump Look Like A Bigger Jackass in March
This month’s contribution to Bullshit Mountain
Nero
His spawn
Junior colleges
His grandpappy
Peter Alexander
The "My Pillow" guy
This is just the tip…
More Bullshit Mountain from March…
Yamiche Alcindor
4,000 COVID deaths
Speaker Nancy Pelosi
His wandering Sharpie
His dead, soulless eyes
His knowledge of history
His lying Surgeon general
All the people he can't find
His coronavirus gaslighting
His inner snake-oil salesman
"We're not a shipping clerk"
His "lay on of hands" stooges
Missed COVID-19 test deadlines
The number of people in South Korea
Trumpregierungsschlamasselschmerz
Per the health inspector, the rest of the bullshit is quarantined at the bottom of today’s C&J. And now, our feature presentation...
-
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Note: Today is April Fools Day. It's the day we have permission to put our scruples aside, make up wild stories and endlessly bullshit people. Or as Mitch McConnell’s office calls it : Wednesday.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Easter: 11
Negative swing in public approval of Trump's handling of the pandemic over the last week, according to a Navigator tracking poll: -13
Drop in Senator Kelly Loeffler's (R-GA) approval since she got busted for insider trading as the pandemic ramped up: -12
Drop in Senator Richard Burr's (R-NC) approval since he got busted for insider trading as the pandemic ramped up, according to PPP polling: -18
Number of minutes it takes Scarborough, Maine's Abbott Labs to detect a positive COVID-19 reading using their new coronavirus testing machine: 5
Number of test kits they'll be producing per day: 50,000
Current average price of gas in Maine: $1.93
-
Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 5 volcanoes and an infinite number of supernaturally-multiplied rolls of toilet paper). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today. (But we seriously advise against it.)
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Human in training…
-
CHEERS and JEERS to April. Wikipedia tells me that "The traditional etymology is from the verb aperire, 'to open,' in allusion to its being the season when trees and flowers begin to open." But the modern etymology is “from the verb 'Gimmethat,' in allusion to its being the season when Trump cultists continue stealing toilet paper and hand sanitizer from little old ladies in broad daylight."
And what a packed month it is. It's Poetry Month, Summer Tire Changeover Month, and Jazz Appreciation Month. There's a "pink supermoon" on the 7th, Easter, Passover, Earth Day, Patriots Day, Arbor Day, National 8-Track Tape Day, Administrative Professionals Day, Queen Elizabeth's 94th birthday, the 104th Pulitzers, and as a special treat every day this month is Stay Six Feet Away From Me or I'm Calling The Proper Authorities Day. Strap yourselves in. It's gonna get bumpy.
JEERS to "grim milestones." Well, there it is:
Deaths tied to the novel coronavirus pandemic topped 3,000 in the United States after a further 540 people died with the virus, surpassing the number of people killed during the 9/11 terror attacks and Hurricane Maria. According to Johns Hopkins University, 3,173 3,634 3,815 4,000 people have died due to the virus in the U.S.—more than the estimated 2,996 who died on 9/11 and the 2,975 who died during the 2017 hurricane.
History will never forget which president was on duty at the time: Donald J. Trump. Or as Donald Trump will tell it in his ghost-written memoir: "Buchanan. It's totally James Buchanan's fault. Sad."
CHEERS to Rachel Maddow—TV host, razor-sharp political analyst, hypocrisy slayer, Rhodes Scholar, avid angler, dog owner, and birthday chick! MSNBC's brightest bulb turns 47 today. (I’m old enough to be her father, assuming I sired a child at age 8.) Every night, piece by piece and brick by brick, she peels back the layers of Trump’s criminal antics and other GOP tyranny with such grace and dexterity that her conservative guests (those with the guts to show up, which is pretty much no one these days) usually end up thanking her for the shellacking. She tolerates no BS, and that especially includes our idiot president:
Cheers, Rachel, and—everybody say it with me—many blessings on your camels.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to—squeaky squeaky!—that clean plate sound. On today’s date in 1889, the first dish washing machine was marketed in Chicago. We have one in our house—a rescue mutt named Haley. Upside: she saves us a bundle on electricity. Downside: poops way more than a Kenmore.
CHEERS to order in the court. Lest we forget, Donald Trump isn’t just the worst president in U.S. history. He isn’t just a cowardly draft dodger, nor is he just a shitty husband, deadbeat dad, massive failure as a businessman, or huge success as a racist slumlord. He's also a criminal. And on Monday he got caught criming again:
A federal court in Manhattan on Monday ruled against President Donald Trump’s private business, finding that a former business partner could pursue fraud claims stemming from allegations that the president’s company evaded income taxes and under-represented expenses at its scandal-plagued Panama hotel and condominium complex. […]
In a 26-page opinion, U.S. District Judge Edgardo Ramos ruled that Ithaca [Capital Investments] could amend a previous lawsuit to add fraud claims against Trump International alleging the company induced purchase of a majority of the units by fraudulently misrepresenting the hotel’s performance. […]
According to the complaint, Trump’s company repeatedly provided Ithaca with false information while the company was conducting due diligence on the hotel’s financials prior to a potential purchase.
And while that skullduggery's bubbling in the legal cauldron, here's another bit of news that the president's personal fixer—aka Attorney General—Bill Barr isn't happy about: he just had to fork over an unredacted copy of the Mueller Report to a judge who believes Barr handled its release last year with all the credibility of Mike Pence serving as grand marshal at a gay pride parade. The plot thickens.
JEERS to crazy fool stunts. On April 1, 1930, baseball Hall-of-Famer Leo "Gabby" Hartnett of the Chicago Cubs broke some kind of altitude record by catching a baseball dropped from the Goodyear blimp 800 feet over Los Angeles. He caught the ball awkwardly, and it broke his jaw. We think someone should faithfully re-enact that stunt on its 90th anniversary with complete historical accuracy. Is Marco Rubio busy today?
-
Ten years ago in C&J: April 1, 2010
CHEERS to clearing a path to the gate. The California Supreme Court has ruled that Hare Krishnas and other groups are no longer allowed to hassle, annoy and delay people at the state's airports. The justices unanimously agreed that the airlines were doing a good enough job of that already.
-
And just one more…
JEERS to more of Mr. Maniac’s maniacal manure. As promised, here’s the bottom half of this month’s record-breaking list of people and things that made Trump look like an even bigger jackass in March:
His slurry Oval Office national address
His non-existent sense of responsibility
His tennis-obsessed wife's tender fee-fees
His disaster Rose Garden press conference
His "control" over the coronavirus outbreak
Rejecting the "horrid idea" that was his idea
His illegal interference with the Justice Dept.
His naps during emergency pandemic meetings
His obsessive coronavirus-taunting face touching
The dozens of ways he lied about the coronavirus
The non-existent Google COVID-19 testing web site
His "short, awful, counterproductive" address to the nation
How high will Bullshit Mountain get in April? Grab a pair of binoculars and stay tuned.
Happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
The US Navy Hospital Ship Comfort has docked in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool
—CNN
-