Late Night Snark: Last Gasp of A Tyrant Edition
"Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger said that Republican Senator Lindsey Graham pressured him to find a way to toss legally-cast absentee ballots to reverse Trump's loss in the state. Man, just when you think Lindsey Graham couldn’t sink any lower, why would you think that?"
—Seth Meyers
"At this point, Trump is just stripping America for parts. He's just there in his yard like, 'Throw in another 50 bucks and I’ll give you the Constitution. Between you and me it barely works, anyway.' Trump thinks that if he sells off enough of America, there won’t be anything for Joe Biden to be president of. He's gonna be like, 'Here's the key, Joe. You've got the White House, you've got this sidewalk, and everything else belongs to Exxon."
—Trevor Noah
Continued...
“Bad news first: the president is actively working to undermine our democracy, usurp the will of the people, and hold onto power in violation of our Constitution. Good news: He’s really bad at it. The president is desperate to somehow throw out the votes for Biden, but like everything else in his administration it’s a race between autocracy and incompetence—and with this crowd, incompetence is Usain Bolt.”
—Stephen Colbert
"I think we can always send the Navy SEALs in there to dig him out."
—President Barack Obama on Jimmy Kimmel Live
"We have filed lawsuits against this administration in violation of the Clean Air Act, Clean Energy Act, Clean Water Act, the Census, we sued him on the border wall, we sued him on Title X funding because he wanted to restrict reproductive rights for women, we've taken actions against the Trump Organization, the Trump Foundation, Trump University… I could go on and on but I know you only have an hour show. Whether or not he pardons himself, we're gonna be fine because we're ready. I and other attorney generals, we…are…ready."
—N.Y. Attorney General Letitia James to Samantha Bee on Full Frontal
"Even though traveling for Thanksgiving is not advised, some of you will choose to spend the holiday with people outside of your pod. But you can still take measures to help minimize your risk, [like] eat Thanksgiving dinner outdoors! A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving sets a great example for that. Follow their lead, except for the part where they let a filthy dog prepare all the food. Snoopy may be beloved, but he's still a dog, my God."
—Samantha Bee
"Remember, you need to start quarantining today for Thanksgiving, and then keep quarantining, and then not go."
—Conan O'Brien
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 20, 2020
Note: It's Peanut Butter Fudge Day. So if your peanut butter starts waving around a report full of “facts” and “statistics,” remember: verify verify verify.
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By the Numbers:
Months from today 'til Trump gets his sorry ass dragged out of the White House: 2
Rank of Vermont, Hawaii, and Maine among states with the lowest rates of Covid-19 infection: #1, #2, #3
Rank of North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wyoming among states with the highest rates: #1, #2, #3
Portion of voters polled by Morning Consult who approve of the way Joe Biden is handling his transition: 6-in-10
Amount Rudy Giuliani is apparently getting paid per day as Trump's hired gun to get the 2020 election results overturned: $20,000
Number of months the Boeing 737 Max fleet, now green-lighted again, was grounded because the planes kept flying into the ground: 20
Estimated number of pumpkin pies served on Thanksgiving: 50 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to maintaining the integrity of the facts. Here at Cheers and Jeers, we believe that accuracy is of paramount importance in our thriving, perfect union we call the United States of America. But sometimes we hear a claim that needs to be vetted, and tonight is one of those times so let's get this unpleasantness out of the way, shall we? According to Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms, President Trump is so desperate to get his way that, “He will eat his own children, I’m sure, if he found it prudent.” Over to you, PolitiFact:
I thought so. Always good to verify.
P.S. Huh hhuh huh huhhuh…I said Bottoms.
CHEERS to feathered surprises. When New York City's 2020 War-on-Christmas Tree was delivered to its iconic location at Rockefeller Center from its original location in Saugerties, a hitchhiker was discovered and rescued:
It wasn’t quite a partridge in a pear tree, but a worker helping set up the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree found a holiday surprise—a tiny owl among the massive branches.
The little bird, now named what else but Rockefeller, was discovered on Monday, dehydrated and hungry, but otherwise unharmed, said Ellen Kalish, director and founder of the Ravensbeard Wildlife Center in Saugerties, New York, where the bird was taken.
“I believe he did travel in the tree. I think when they wrapped it up, he must’ve gotten caught inside. The fact that he wasn’t squished or damaged was beautiful," Kalish said.
The sight of the little critter warmed America's heart, and offered a moment of hope and healing to our nation as we enter the holiday period. In fact, we hear Melania Trump was so moved that later in the day she was spotted wearing a jacket with giant words printed on the back: I Really Don’t Give A Hoot Do U?
CHEERS to spinning in circles. On this date in 1877, Thomas Edison announced to the world that he had invented the phonograph machine. True story: he broke the news via a phonograph recording, which sounded like this:
"Hello, is this thing on? Testes...testes...one two three.
We begin bombing the Russians in 30 minutes. Ha ha! That always cracks 'em up at the Elks Lodge! But seriously, folks. Mary had a little lamb—her parents were mortified.
I just can't help myself... You folks fly in from out of town? I bet your arms are tired! I slay me... Oh, by the way, the walrus will be Paul and Luke will be Vader's kid. Oops…'Spoiler alert!'
I'm bored. Can I go home and invent the light bulb now?"
Only known cure for Restless Inventor Syndrome, according to doctors: take two patent applications and call me in the morning.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to lassoing a Lone State lawbreaker. Down yonder at the border, the FBI, armed with massive magnifying glasses and fingerprinting kits hot off the assembly line, has started looking into accusations that Republican Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has been committing crimey business, including bribery and abuse of office. Law enforcement said the first sign they encountered that suggested he was up to no good was the one on his door that says, "Republican Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton."
CHEERS to reaching dry land. On November 21, 1620, after being denied boarding passes at Heathrow because they were on the no-fly list, a bunch of renegade "pilgrims" from England with a bad case of B.O. and no sense of humor landed in New England after 66 days at sea and promptly got all quill-crazy, signing the Mayflower Compact “...to enact, constitute, and frame just and equal laws, ordinances, acts, constitutions and offices, from time to time, as shall be thought most meet and convenient for the general good of the Colony, unto which we promise all due submission and obedience." By the way, the ship was destined for the northern edge of the Virginia Colony, but they ended up dropping anchor in a totally different place: Provincetown, Massachusetts. After spending several years reviewing all the available evidence, I've come to an inescapable conclusion: GPS sucked back then.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's a quick pre-Thanksgiving weekend look at various things that might show up on your tube this weekend. In a sign of the times, Shark Tank (8PM, ABC) listens to the pitch of "a maker of pandemic-inspired masks." Tonight at 9 on 20/20, ABC News takes a deep dive on the Breonna Taylor murder-by-cop. Bill Maher's guests on Real Time (10, HBO) are Michael Eric Dyson, Jon Meacham, and Alex Wagner.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here. SNL, sadly, is a rerun this week, so we won’t get to watch Kate McKinnon's take on the Rudy Giuliani hair-dye disaster. Sunday on 60 Minutes: The post-recovery effects of Covid-19, the secrets to living past 90 (topping the list: don’t get Covid-19) and the quarter-of-a-million students in our school systems that are “unaccounted for.” Animation-wise, PBS airs A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Sunday at 7:30, Bart becomes a voiceover actor on The Simpsons, and Lois and Peter differ on who should be mayor of Quahog on Family Guy. Finally, more cowbell is going to be required at the American Music Awards Sunday at 8 on ABC.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: President-elect Biden’s chief of staff Ron Klain; leader of the U.S. vaccine effort Dr. Moncef Slaoui.
Face the Nation: Biden senior adviser Symone Sanders; Dr. Anthony Fauci; former National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster; CVS CEO Larry Merlo.
CNN's State of the Union: Senior Biden transition adviser Jen Psaki; Gov. Larry Hogan (R-MD); Dr. Moncef Slaoui.
Meet the Press: Incoming White House Office of Public Engagement Director Cedric Richmond; Sen. Kevin Cramer (R-ND); Dr. Moncef Slaoui.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Tom Inglesby of the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security;
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 20, 2010
JEERS to getting boomeranged. Here's yet another reason why President Obama should've appointed a jobs commission instead of a deficit commission. Reason #1, of course, is...people don’t really care about deficits! But a bigger reason is, he's now associated with a bunch of really unpopular and draconian ideas that do little more than give Alan Simpson a woody:
Raising the retirement age for Social Security would disproportionately hurt low-income workers and minorities, and increase disability claims by older people unable to work, government auditors told Congress. ... The report, obtained by The Associated Press ahead of its scheduled release Friday, provides fodder for those opposed to raising the eligibility age for benefits, as proposed by the leaders of President Barack Obama's deficit commission.
Clearly, this commission is now toxic. So, to blunt the PR damage, next week Obama will appoint a new Deficit Commission Decommissioning Commissioner. We understand he plays a mean magic pipe and is adept at leading rats to water.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the scrapper from Scranton. Happy Birthday (and many blessings on your camels) to America's freshly-elected 46th President of the United States, Joe Biden, whose way with words—intentional and otherwise—is a thing to behold:
"There's only three things [Rudy Giuliani] mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb and 9/11."
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"There is no more consequential challenge that we must meet in the next decade than the onrushing climate crisis. Left unchecked, it is literally an existential threat to the health of our planet and to our very survival."
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"You ever been to a caucus? No you haven't. You're a lying dog-faced pony soldier."
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"If your kitchen table is like mine, you sit there at night before you put the kids to bed and you talk about what you need. You talk about how much you are worried about being able to pay the bills. Ladies and gentlemen, that is not a worry John McCain has to worry about. It's a pretty hard experience—he'll have to figure out which of the seven kitchen tables to sit at."
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“Don't tell me what you value—show me your budget and I'll tell you what you value.”
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”My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken. They have delivered us a clear victory. A convincing victory. A victory for 'We the People.' We have won with the most votes ever cast for a presidential ticket in the history of this nation.”
And the best thing anyone ever said to Donald Trump's face, and boy do I envy Joe for being the one to do it:
“Will you shut up, man?"
On November 3rd he shut him up real good, with a little help from 80 million of his friends. Joe turns 78 today—and that's no malarkey. But it is a BFD.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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