"Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq."' --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20." --David Letterman
"President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense -- he wants to know what was going on, too." --David Letterman
"President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?" --Jay Leno
"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." --Craig Kilborn
"There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'" --Craig Kilborn
"Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him." --Jay Leno
"They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries." --Jay Leno
"John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either." --David Letterman
"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." --Jay Leno
"John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." --Jay Leno
"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme --'Safer, Stronger, and Tested.' Isn't that a condom ad?" --Jay Leno
"I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs." --David Letterman
"The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News." --Craig Kilborn
"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." -Jay Leno
"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the
sizzle." -Craig Kilborn
"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down
to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." -Jay Leno
"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" -Jay Leno
"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing
it!" -Jay Leno
"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild,
Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." -Jay Leno
"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he
hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." -Jay Leno
"John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale
who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy
from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It's a whole different game."
-Jay Leno
"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be
sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev.
Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely."-- Jay Leno
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