What Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby ran for President
My fellow Americans and bribable election officials I, Joseph Fitzpatrick Fitzgerald Fitzhenry Quimby (his picture!) have decided to run for the Presidency of the United States of America. This is not a decision I have made lightly. First I consulted my wife, and then, my wife's sister. I later "consulted" the nanny, the nanny's sister, several cocktail waitresses, Miss Springfield, Miss Teen Springfield (who is 18), and screen actress Sally Kirkland. I believe that my tenure as Mayor of Springfield, one of America's largest medium-to-small sized towns, has prepared me for such awesome Presidential responsibilities as meeting victorious Super Bowl teams, supervising the White House intern pool, and flying around in Air Force One -- or as I shall be calling it, Air Force Fun. I am also considering referring to it as the Duff Partyplane. If I'm elected, politics will no longer be the domain of the fat cats, power-brokers, Atari Democrats, Coleco Republicans, and man-eating Republicats. I will be a president for all Americans, from the poorest small town mayor to the richest small town mayor. I stand before you today full of hope, courage and Drambuie. With your help,Joe Quimby will cure the national hangover, and usher in Happy Hour in America!
Homer Simpson Quotes:
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."
"The strong must protect the sweet"
"Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"
"I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight."
"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"
"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."
"Mmmm, free goo."
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
"Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!" (looking at Uruguay on the globe).
"Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers."
"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"
"Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!"
"Alcohol. The cause of and solution to all of life's problems."
"No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed."
"Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree....D'oh!" (sung to the air of Flintstones theme song)
"America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, ... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!"
"I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals flaming."
"The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."
"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
"Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman."
The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!"
"Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that."
"And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"
"I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnight."
"Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle."
"OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!"
"Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?"
"Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers."
"Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will."
"They have the Internet on computers, now?"
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
"Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button."
Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."
"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"
"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."
"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
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