(BSNS) Virginia Beach
August 27, 2005
Supporters of televangilist Pat Robertson were shocked to learn today that he was the victim of a brutal attack by what police describe as a gay liberal Muslim Venesualan Communist Athiest vegan assassin named John Paul Stevens, III. It is believed that the alleged assassin is the mentally disturbed grandson of Supreme Court Associate Justice John Paul Stevens.
Virginia State Police Spokesman Billie-Bob Toothless said "for some strange reason, he's got it in his head that Pat Robertson was trying to kill his grandfather through 'magical' means by talking to some invisible ephemeris force. It is really sad when people reject science and follow these cultish ideas like that someone can talk to some unseen force and make someone else die. That stuff might be believable to some dumbasses in Haiti or Africa, but this is America. Hell, it would be like denying settled science like the theory of relativity or evolution." he said with a nervous chuckle.
"It just makes no sense,"said Rev. Roger J. Cavin, head of the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) youth outreach program. "Reverand Robertson would no more wish harm on anyone than I would think of hurting children." The throng of five to eight year old boys with Rev. Cavin seemed to be in shock.
"My butt hurts," said one of the boys who had just finished private bible study with Rev. Cavin. The Reverand said that in his experience children get constipated when faced with tragic events.
From his Crawford, TX "ranch." President Bush expressed grief in reaction to the assassination of his long-time political ally. "I am shocked and dismayed by this meaningless killing. I was so close to Pat," said the president, "I don't think anyone in the world can understand the pain and sense of loss that I feel right now. It's worse than if I lost my own child." The president then went on to say something about 9/11, but no one was paying attention at that point.
The President's spokesman, Scotty McClellan, stated that, in keeping with an originalist legal approach, the Justice Department was researching Federal law to see if there were some way that the old common law practice of hanging a condemned person, cutting him down while still alive then drawing and quartering him, hoisting his head on a petard from the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel and placing his quarters in cities throughout the country could be revived for such a horendous act. "We think Pat would have wanted it that way." McClellan continued, "it is sad that such a man of peace is gone."
Rev. Robertson is survived by his wife Adelia "Dede, four legitimate and three illegitimate children, 14 grandchildren he claims and eight he denies.