Bush, Concerned About Flu Pandemic, Appoints Natural Spring Water Czar (Satire)

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Sunday October 23, 2005 · 8:21 PM PDT

2005/10/23 · 20:21

In a press conference today from the White House Rose Garden, President Bush announced the appointment of Juan Hernandez, his personal landscaper and lawn man, as the Natural Spring Water Czar.

"Evian Flu poses a grave risk as a national health emergency, and there is also concern the Evian flu virus will mutate and jump. I'm committed to keeping on top of this so that our bottled-water-drinking citizens, especially the children and elderly, are protected."

When asked if he meant "Avian" flu, the President smiled and said, "Now you know I'm from Texas, we pronounce things diff'rnt."

The President was also asked about Juan's qualifications and experience which would allow him to head a governmental agency, especially one dealing with a difficult medical and scientific issue.

"Now look. I've known Juan a long, long time. And if there's one thing Juan knows, it's water. Every living thing needs water, and no one knows that better than Juan. And he's a hard worker, and I know his heart. Juan's a bulldog in size 12 workboots. And I'm sure once the country gets to know Juan and sees him the way I see him, all these silly questions about qualifications will stop."

Reporters immediately began trying to find out more information about the new appointee, but a scant paper trail made the task next to impossible.

Juan Hernandez' wife, Maria Hernandez, spoke briefly to reporters. When asked about her husband's history with President Bush, she replied, "Juan thinks Senor Bush is the smartest man he knows."

White House insiders speaking under condition of anonymity commented on the recent appointment. "Yeah, we knew he had the vowel wrong. Hell, we knew he had the whole concept wrong. But he wouldn't listen to us when we said Harriet Miers was a bad choice. And you know, paybacks are hell."

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